It is Saturday, my friends, which for the next ten weeks will mean only one thing: Stan Original’s RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under (a real tongue twister) will be airing at 7pm. Buckle up, because for the next couple of weeks we’re going to be Ru-capping absolutely everything, from all the drama and shade, to all of the positively outrageous lewks.

Kia ora and g’day, and welcome to the RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under Ru-cap. Now, I’m going to assume you’ve seen the episode when you come and read this, so expect only a few spoilers. I’m not going to go hog wild with spilling tea, but If you haven’t watched the ep yet, please do.

Okay, y’all still here? Good.

Now, fuck me, what an episode that was. So Australian. So Kiwi. So much Perth-onality Everything we’ve ever wanted. Let’s dig in.

At the very beginning of the episode we discover that ultra daddy Taika Waititi will be a judge on the episode, and if you listen carefully, you can hear my heart beating out of my chest.

This means all we have to do now is wait for the Minogues to eventually appear, but Taika! On the first ep! Perfection!

First to walk in was Art Simone, a Geelong drag celebrity who is walking into this comp with a whopping 143K followers and her own web series on America’s Wow Presents Plus. Huge. Her entrance line? “I’m not here to fuck spiders.”

She’s a legend, we stan, I’m in love. And this dress? I’m having a full-on art attack.

consider my wig snatched and my spiders fucked.

Next up is Sydney icon, Maxi Shield‘s breastplate. It also happened to be attached to the equally iconic Maxi Shield — two contestants in one!

The second Maxi turned to Art and said “oh not you ya dog,” I knew this was going to be a brilliant fkn season.

if Maxi leaves, is it considered a double elimination? triple elimination? asking for science.

Bite the pillows ladies, mama’s a hoe and she’s going in dry, it’s Jojo Zaho!

Jojo is super quippy, and you may remember gagging on some of the hilarious things she said this ep like “colonise their colons”.

“First Nations realness balls deep” is something I will never forget. God, I love her! (And out of drag, Jojo is… so hot.)

i can be your pillow biter or your sword swallower any day Jojo.

The fourth queen to enter this episode was Elektra Shock, who introduced the first bit of tension and drama to this season, mainly because nobody knew who the fuck she was.

Her wig is thirsty, her nips are tassled, and she’s allegedly been doing drag for eight years.

The queens don’t seem to believe her for a second, but hey, I actually loved her entrance line. I mean, “I was a model before the accident?” Come on, that’s hilarious.

that wig needs a dip in Warragamba immediately.

You’ve definitely heard her name before seeing her on the show, it’s Scarlet Adams in next.

Honestly, I smell a villain edit. Maybe it’s the devilish reds and razor-sharp nails, but I have a feeling she’s coming for blood this season.

*insert Perth pun here*

If you live in Sydney, this next queen will be no stranger to you at all, it’s Coco Jumbo.

When she says she has all of Syd under her belt, she means it. She practically runs the place, and you’ve definitely seen her galavanting her gorgeous, womanly mug about town.

She also says “sorry Sydney” in her entrance, because she’s been LYING to our FACES about not being on Drag Race Down Under.

apology accepted you beautiful WOMAN.

Fancy a bump? It’s Kita Mean, the next queen to walk through the door.

Unlike her namesake, she did not at all put me into a hazy asleep, with a bright, outrageous and perfectly camp outfit. She’s looking camp right in the eye. But in a good way.

Kita hosted the NZ show House of Drag alongside Anita Wigl’it, and mentions that she’s glad to finally be away from her ‘coattail riding’ partner. Thankfully, her partner in crime isn’t here. Wouldn’t that be awful if she just walked through the door, whip in hand?

hold your horses, it’s Kita Mean! (I could do this all day.)

When the lights are on, the roaches come scurrying in. Next up is the glamour bug Etcetera Etcetera, who is an absolute darling of the Sydney scene.

Everyone loves them, including the cockroaches in my cupboard, so it’s only fitting that they have come dressed as a divinely rhinestoned bug. Simply gorgeous.

If anyone asks, the antenna falling was intentional. It just adds to the charm, didn’t you know?

i’m simply dying for mor(tein).

And of course, in walks Anita with a whip in hand. It’d be too on the nose to have her come in right after Kita, but hey, we’re glad that she’s here nonetheless.

Her energy is goofy and exciting, and I cannot wait to see what she brings to the comp.

she’s whip-smart.

Next up is Karen from Finance with what may just be the best entrance into Drag Race ever. I mean, walking all the way forward into the camera saying you can’t see the mark? Hilarious.

And then she says something like “Lookslikeimmaneedabiggerlockerforthishat”, but hey, I don’t speak Melburnian so I didn’t quite catch it. Either way, we stan.

crown it already. just put a big ol’ crown on that big ol’ hat.

Finally, we have all ten bitches in the room, and we can get into the nitty-gritty.

Ru walks in the room wearing his best Fred from Scooby-Doo cosplay, and the shiniest head this side of the Red Rooster line. Très magnifique.

Ru tells the queens that the mini-challenge for today’s ep is to film a promo for a Thor spin-off called Thar. I have no idea who the hell thought of this, and I don’t quite get it, but the fact that Taika Waititi is the judge? That heals all wounds.

ru please, what the fuck is Thar.

Fast forward to the challenge and we find out that the queens need to hold a massive fuck-off laser gun (?) while standing next to two scantily clad men (??) while talking in a complete lisp (?????).

Apparently, the queens are playing a character from the planet thickening? Like sickening but with a lisp? I truly cannot stop using question marks for this???

Kita Mean must’ve been in the ideas room for this one, and I don’t mean the queen.

I mean, come on now. Just look at the material. Theriouthly?

who the thuck thought of thith?

The queens scream, lisp and scream some more through this challenge, and we slowly discover that Taika Waititi is, in fact, a pre-recorded daddy, rather than an in-studio one.

Even now I weep at the thought of papa Taika sitting by his little power fan, recording messages for each of the queens and then calling it a day. Uncontrollable sobbing.

we love you daddy Taika.

The winner of the mini-challenge, however, is announced to be Elektra Shock, the ‘underdog’ of the season, mostly because none of the other queens care for her, including her out-of-show in-real-life bosses, Kita Mean and Anita Wigl’it. Drama drama mama.

Elektra Shock did great though. Very expressive screaming.

The queens then get out of drag and find their work stations, in preparation of the maxi challenge, which is to pull off two looks on the runway.

The first look is Born Naked, and the second is No Place Like Home. Basically, the girls need to come out nude for the first look, and then represent their home town in the second.

As always, in the stage of undressing, the queens get to see who is hot (Jojo Zaho) and who is not (everyone who isn’t Jojo Zaho).

Etcetera makes the comment that Maxi Shield is a “truck driver” out of drag and a “truck” in drag, and baby, I spat out my drink.

The girls are also shocked that Elektra won, because for some reason nobody fkn likes her. Makes for some electrifying television though, I’ll tell you what.

Also, allow me to mention once more how HOT Coco Jumbo is in drag. That is a real-life woman.

*judges you, sexily*.

While donning their makeup and outfits, Kita opens up about her gastric sleeve surgery, and how she feels a bit awkward about the whole idea of ‘being naked’.

Meanwhile, Anita opens up about competing with Kita, and always feeling like her sidekick. Kita Mean is on everyone’s mind apparently, just like at a circuit party.

Jojo also opens up about living on a mission in WA for a year, and how she aims to represent her culture, and her Faboriginality, in the competition. Truly, if you do not stan Jojo, log the fuck off.

As the queens are getting into their hooly dooly tiddy suits, Scarlet Adams has a bit of a backdoor rip moment, turning her Born Naked lewk into C-section couture.

The visuals are simply stunning.

previously, on x-rated Teletubbies.

Now it’s time for the runwayssss. There were twenty in total, so I can’t show them all, but my God, how stunning were they?

Ru also announces that he will be judging Drag Race Down Under out of drag because a dingo ate his makeup? (Yikes.) One can only assume it’s because his team couldn’t come over with him to film the show? Either way, it’s refreshing to see him judging without all the hair and makeup. albeit strange.

Alright, let’s dive into some notable lewks.

Miss Coco Jumbo comes out with massive fuck-off lips and huge fuck-off eyes attached to her, and yet somehow still looks like a divine WOMAN. My lord, I am obsessed.

The look however didn’t quite hit the mark with the judges, because something about massive eyes as a bra doesn’t really scream nudity, but I can’t put my finger on why.

the nipples are the eyes of the face.

Etcetera Etcetera comes out in a gorgeous look to represent non-binary finery, and my eyes were glued to the screen.

Meanwhile, Karen from Finance, who is usually more clothed than a nun during Pentecost, reveals her skin for the born naked runway, and it’s a real highlight.

The queens then move onto their hometown looks, and Maxi Shield comes out as a fkn Ballina prawn. Nobody in the world would understand but us Aussies, and I love that.

She even rips the head off her costume… like you would to a prawn. Obsessed. You bloody ripper.

do i make you prawny baby?

Coco Jumbo redeems herself with a killer gorilla look representing the Big Banana, Jojo Zaho holds up an “always was always will be” sign (we STAN), Anita Wigl’it comes out as an NZ sheep, and Art Simone reps the Melbourne graffiti scene.

Unfortunately, Jojo’s look, while incredibly important, lacked a few finishing touches, which displeased our almighty judges.

Meanwhile, Elektra Shock came out in… something?? It’s a look that was supposed to represent Tāmaki Makaurau, the land of one thousand lovers, but it ended up looking like me tangling out of the sheets on Valentine’s Day.

Points for concept though, points for concept.

it was in this moment, she knew, she fucked up.

The time comes for the golden verdict, and it is announced that Karen from Finance is the winner of the challenge with her impossibly perfect Melbourne cup runway.

It had money being thrown into the air, toilet paper stuck on the heels, it had everything. Totally deserved.

This also makes her the first-ever winner of a Drag Race Down Under challenge. That’s hot.

the Melbourne cup, oil on canvas, circa 2021

The bottom two is announced to be Jojo Zaho, for a slight lack of polish here and there, and Elektra Shock, for wearing a white sheet down the runway and having a “lot going on” up top.

The duo is asked to lipsync to ‘Tragedy’ by the English-Australian legends, the Bee Gees, and oh my Waltzing Matilda what a bloody good lipsync it was.

Death drops, splits, comedy, it had it all.

“should’ve taken those little athletics lessons.”

And the winner of the lipsync is announced to be Elektra Shock. Super deserved, as she absolutely turned it.

This means the eliminated queen this week was unfortunately Jojo Zaho, and it’s sad to see her go so soon. As the only queen to represent Australia’s First Nation peoples, it’s a real loss to RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under to have her just vanish so early.

I will truly miss daddy Zaho.

Image: Stan