Cass, We All Know That You Haven’t Had A Single Date Yet, Pls Stop Talking

It’s a corker day to be writing about The Bachelor again, hoo roo.

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We open with HB – and I have confirmed this – saying “The birds are twerking“, before taking Brittany, Sophie, Dasha and Brooke out for a day racing cars. The MVP for this group date gets some one-on-one time with ya boii, and a box of avocados. #somillenial.

As they fang it towards him, he genuinely asked Osher to hold his hand. Or at least we think it’s genuine. We choose to think it’s genuine. If they could walk off into the sunset together at the end of this season, we’d be quite pleased tbh.

They’re blindfolded and trying to drive to his instructions – but Dasha doesn’t know how to drive a manual car, a recipe for disaster. And then they’re reversing and flicking or something, and Sophie goes for it, and wins the time.

He gives her a rose in the box of avocadoes – he’s a man of his word, our Badge – because they seem to be genuinely vibing each other. And they pash with tongue, awwwwww.

Cue #somillenial avocado jokes:

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jamie-Lee scores herself a single date. When the time comes it’s all awkward racial politics and maybe not totally culturally sensitive music because they’re gonna play samurai (!!!). Jamie-Lee doesn’t want to play samurai.

I have a dirty mind so what I’m thinking is that sword yet again is a surrogate for his penis – he can’t wait to get his “hands on [his] weapon, and wheel it around“.

But what the internet sees is mostly that Cummins seems to blatantly be doing activities from his bucket list, rather than romantic date things that help you get to know an almost-complete stranger.

Jamie-Lee and Nick reach the sit down and talk about your feelings portion of the evening and *crickets*.

When Jamie-Lee returns, she’s distressed because she bloody knows she cooked it, and tells the gals as much. Cass feels bad for her.

But she would also like to remind the nation/the person she is comforting that she has never had a single date herself so she can’t fully understand how Jamie-Lee is feeling.



Tenille decides that tonight she must address how the Lie Guy yesterday told Nick she was distant. She does that by saying that if he really liked her he ought to do more to encourage her to open up, which obviously he can’t do when he has eight other women to attend to.

So she cries because she feels like her ousting is inevitable. She chooses to leave to save her dignity, HB walks her to the car, Osher has to tell the other girls because Bach has just headed home on his own. There is no rose ceremony, but plenty of crying. And somehow Jamie-Lee stays to fight another day.

Until next week, lovebirds.