‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Charlie Slut-Shames Ali ‘Cos He Thinks She’s Smooching Too Much

Another Wednesday, another episode of The Bachelorette. What fun! Thank God I have you here with me to help me unpack this flaming pile of trash in this here Bachie recap.

Alright, we open to Ali ragging on Saucy Boy Rob, who should have been sent home last week. But so should’ve Pete and Danny. Really just dump half the blokes no and save us all the energy.

Upon Rob’s request, she’s turned up to the mansion to chat to him ahead of a planned group date. “I really hope we can reconnect and get over this together,” she says.

He immediately goes on about how he’s uncomfortable with not knowing what’s going on since their date – which is the entire basis of this damn show. It’s not like she’s going to immediately drop all the other blokes because you’re so charming. He says he feels at the mercy of the Gods, and she says she is his God, basically.

You’re at the mercy of me and our connection.

No, what are you thinking about?

She tries to reassure him by saying she wants to explore their connection further, gives him a quick peck. She has decided to ignore the advice of her best mate and her cousin, which seems unwise.

If my mates had been this up front about my shitty ex from the get-go, we all could’ve saved ourselves a lot of time/pain/hurt feelings.

They turn up to the mansion together, where Rob tells the boys that he considering bailing on the entire exercise after the last rose ceremony. Ali is visibly pissed off listening to this because he didn’t say any of this stuff about having his “bags packed to go” during their chat. Yikes. Dude, you’re getting dumped today I can feel it in my bones.

WTF is this announcement, “I’ve decided to stay.” And all these blokes, they would have rather seen you go. Your friendship is not the name of the competition. Ali thinks that it was also mean that he decided to rub his reassurance in the faces of the others.

It’s a dancing for a music video date! This is cruel to Ivan! RIP IVAN! The guys do not want to dance. They even let that guy no one recognises, Daniel, talk about how he doesn’t want to dance until he’s necked some bevs (same). Paddy says he’s a real good dancer because of course he does.

Ali’s gonna judge this not on technical skill but fun had, so time to fake having a good time, boys! Like you will every second you two spend together.

Paddy, Charlie and Rob are in detention. Paddy is the star, and Charlie is getting antsy. The others are enjoying watching the guy look furious he is not the centre of attention.

It’s a ’50s diner scene with Todd, Bill and Dan, and why would you make more Dan do the tough one? He clocks her in the face. She takes his awkward moves in her stride, is inwardly seething.

Lastly it’s Taite and Daniel doing a jungle scene, and really does Taite need to be Tarzan? Could he just be Taite? She has a few counts just to feel him up which she definitely wants to do real bad because she has a lady boner for that bloke. Todd wants to help Daniel get out of the background.

It’s time to actually perform and of course Paddy has a schoolgirl fantasy, JFC. And he was rubbish in school, are we unsurprised. I want to see this video clip so much. Paddy is trying to get too steamy, Charlie tries to get back at him with some very bad dancing. Ali is not impressed with Rob’s effort.

I hate this.

Todd enjoys how her dress keeps flying up, yuck. I enjoy how Todd looks in that jacket, so it all evens out. Todd is getting all up in there and smizing and who wouldn’t want to share that milkshake with him?

Ali knows what’s up: “Hello, where have you been hiding?

All of these men are looking up her skirt.

She’s very pleased that Taite isn’t wearing much. Everyone laughs that Daniel appears to be mounting a croc.

Hello jungle bois. 

Osher is proud of them all. This has been cut together very quickly. How? Everyone is laughing and loving it all. How do the three thread lines connect? They don’t. What song was this cut to? Who knows? There’s a lot of questions to be asked here.

She’s choosing Silent Boi Daniel for one-on-one time, bloody finally. The croc ploy worked! Let’s find out literally anything about him. She’s interested in getting to know somebody she doesn’t usually go for. Probably because he’s not like one of those outgoing exhausting charming guys? The music has set this up as an awkward chat. And it is, no matter what Ali tries, because Daniel is shitting himself with nerves. He talks about his bad circulation. It is deeply unsexy. How is this deeply uncharismatic man meant to motivate anyone as a personal trainer?

They put nice music on while he speaks earnestly, and she seems to like him being a bit of a bumbler. He wont win, but he is getting a rose. She is definitely going to choose a confident man in the end.

I may never have another conversation with this man.

Handsome Todd gets a single date! Apparently she planned it for Rob but is taking Todd instead because Rob was being too much of a dick. He was gonna get the second single! He’s doomed now. Anyway, Ali has turned up to take him away, and the others aren’t happy, but also don’t seem threatened. Todd, you may not have gone on a date yet, but you’re stupid good-looking. You get to the final five based off your face alone.

She introduces Todd to an Aussie designer, Daniel Avakian, who designed her first night dress apparently. They’re going to design their cocktail party outfits with him – which yeah, screams Rob. Which means they both get to be in their undies. Her undies are actually leggings??? But he’s down to just his jocks. Good thing he chose nice jocks today.

The face of a woman loving what she’s seeing.

It feels weird for them to dress each other, like he’s wading into dangerous territory talking about her body like that. He suggests strapless, which literally no woman will ever request. Strapless dresses are hell. How can it be strapless and backless? It can’t be. I would not be impressed by a dude telling me how to dress. How are these outfits going to be made from scratch so quickly?

While the sweatshop gets to work they get to have champers and talk. Not much of a date really. Doesn’t seem to take long. He says he’s looking for a good mum in the women he’s dating, and that also sounds horrifying. He is not my favourite anymore because you have no idea mate if I’ll be a good mum. I have other qualities than my ability to give birth, nurture, conform to feminine gender roles.

Nvm, time for him to get her eyelash out of her eye for her and then to SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH. Boy gets a rose, obvi.

Time for the lads to have some bevs at the cocktail party. I think we need a beeeeeeeeef. Charlie calls Todd “placid“, wow, burn. He’s disappointed he didn’t get a second date, and starts ranting about how she’s connecting with far too many men already. Mate, I’m sure she would’ve dumped half of you off looks alone already if she could, but that is not the game. She’s giving people a go. Chill out.

Todd and Ali come into the cocktail party holding hands.Her dress is strapless with fkn cut outs. Big ones all around the back. Straight into interrogating Todd. Rob seems to have clocked onto the fact the date was meant to be his.

Currently out of the eight blokes, Ali has snogged Charlie, Rob, Taite, Bill and now Todd. No biiiiig kisses for the two Dans and Paddy. Charlie will not let up on his belief that she needs to knuckle down and really pursue an existing connection. Keeping her options open is a personal affront to him apparently.

This is what he says to Todd: “This is her last chance at love…” Mate, it’s not her last chance. She’s not going to transform into a super old spinster if she doesn’t end up with a bloke from this. Also like what does telling Todd this achieve? Does he want Todd to leave so that Ali will zero in on him and Bill? Is he trying to tell Todd he’s going to lose? Todd calls the way Charlie speaks for her a “sense of entitlement“, and nail, meet head. He also calls Charlie a “jealous boyfriend“. So true.

Anyway, he’s taken her aside to be an arsehole. Gives her his jacket. Her make-up game is on point with all these zoom-ins. Yuck, Charlie calls her “spread out“. He’s doing this weird villain thing with his tongue. Maybe he’ll be the one to go because Ali does not like being slut-shamed. Actually neither do I – she can give out as many roses and smooches as she damn well wants. She does not need to be moving to Charlie’s arbitrary ‘I love you’ timeline. Fuck this guy.

I’m reconsidering ever smooching you.

Her answer: “I’ve got this.” (You are not my real dad). It’s the first time she’s clocked this intensity apparently, even though he seems to be like this literally every single day. She trusts her gut rn, feels good about it. The reason she’s distant from you is because she wants to boot you out for being a rude prick. “We were a power couple,” he says, and no, you weren’t. This is a reality TV game of love. You are not part of a couple.

ROSE CEREMONY! She could dump Paddy and Dan easily because she has spent zero time with either of them. She could dump Rob or Charlie because they deserve to go. Bill and Taite are through, no question.

Rob thinks he did nothing wrong by telling all the boys in front of her that he was planning on bailing. Charlie thinks it’s only fair enough that he wants more time with her to get more invested before we approach the pointy end of the ~journey~. They are both deeply wrong.

We have cinematic music because two dudes who went on dates are in the bottom two. Who is getting thrown out? Ali might cry. She sends Rob home, and he’s crushed. Charlie did not deserve that rose.  Now it is Ali who is crying because she found this very hard. At least Osher is here to comfort her properly. Rob tries to be a gentleman about it but is very cut.

I dumped you but I am the one who is sad.

Probably coulda sent him home last week, ey? Didn’t need to lead him along all episode. Hopefully in tomorrow’s Bachie recap I can say she tossed Charlie.

Until tomorrow lonelyhearts.