Guys, we need to have a talk about Davey.
A real, honest, no-fooling talk.
The kid is ridiculous, and way too emotionally hyperactive – like a wind up monkey with the key stuck in it – to the point where I’m dead-set shocked he can even manage to stand upright without vomiting.
Throughout his whole journey through this show, he’s been trying valiantly to find the secret mask that will magically unlock the door to Sam’s heart. But the problem is that his prevailing emotional drive is jealousy.
Not regular jealousy. Not run-of-the-mill “Someone else got a thing I want and I’m a bit bummed about it” jealousy. No, this is super-strength, turbo-charged, “FUCK OFF EVERYTHING IS MINE AND IF YOU BREATHE ON ANY OF IT I’LL SET YOUR HAIR ON FIRE” jealousy.
And it is OOZING out of him all episode long.
But it’s not a mere constant. It’s got stages. Very defined stages.
STAGE ONE: Expectancy.
STAGE TWO: Rejection.
STAGE THREE: MY INSIDES ARE DYING.
And normally, like in past episodes, it just sort of stays bottled up and everything’s mostly fine.
But in the Carnival Group Date it boils over like a science fair volcano and erupts absolutely everywhere. Who knew throwing a little competitive masculinity into the mix would make him go absolutely batshit nuts?
It’s there when he realises he’s in a test of strength against blokes who are sporting WAY bigger rigs than him.
It’s there when he suddenly finds himself within a sniff of victory.
And it’s there when he loses – even in the background – heart SHATTERING INTO A MILLION PIECES.
M8, he is spewing.
Also, it’s there when he gets weirdly homoerotic and goes the double-hand butt pat.
Which I have immortalised on an infinite loop.
Butt pats. Forever.
Those light, feathery taps. Good god.
Why can’t he be more like Michael the Socceruse? A man who is clearly suffering dearly from similar jealous pangs, but has learned how to deal with it like a regular fucking adult.
Say it with me, kids.
You BOTTLE.
THAT SHIT.
THE HELL UP.
But if you thought that was it – that that would be all we saw of Jealous Guy – you’d be dead wrong. It’s not just an off day. He’s gone completely off the deep end. He can’t even begin to handle hearing about how much fun Richie and Sam had on their solo date, so he starts crazy laughing and shooting off weird, irrational insults.
Just look at this Cackling Madman in full flight, would you?
And the most bizarre part about all of this is that through it all, he remains utterly convinced that he’s going to win.
He hates not getting the one-on-one time with Sam practically more than anything else in the world. But he’s still steadfastly confident that he’ll outlast everyone.
It’s a confidence that doesn’t waver. Not even for a second.
Until right here.
This one, perfect, utterly glorious moment when he suddenly realises “Welp. I’m boned.“
And that’s it for Davey. No rose ceremony. No exit speech. Motherfucker DOESN’T EVEN GET A LIMO.
There’s been some spectacular binnings on this show before, but this takes the cake. We don’t even see Sam telling him to scram, FFS. It just cuts to a commercial, and then there’s Osher telling the other blokes “He’s gone lol.”
It’s GLORIOUS in how cruel it is. He’s just straight-up erased from the show. No trace. He could’ve gone full skitz for all we know. The production could be keeping him tied up in the basement of Dude Manor. He could have just melted like he’s a Nazi soldier gazing into the Ark of the Covenant.
THEY ACTUALLY POOCHIE’D HIM, YOU GUYS.
And the amazing thing about this is that it all happens around what is inarguably the funniest, best date so far.
Richie and Sam get done up in old-person makeup to make them look 80 years old. Shine Australia clearly springs for the pro makeup artists instead of putting the work experience kids to work, and it shows.
Richie is HILARIOUS, as it turns out, and the whole thing is really sweet and nice and kind of wholly romantic, and on any other day of the week, in any other week of the year, in any other year of the decade he’d be a clear MVP of the episode by a freaking mile.
But then this ABSOLUTE LEGEND shows up.
I’m trying hard to contain myself here but OH MY GOD SOMEONE FIND OUT WHO THIS LADY IS IMMEDIATELY AND GIVE HER HER OWN SHOW.
GIVE HER ALL THE SHOWS. PUT HER IN EVERYTHING. EVEN THE ONES AIRING NOW.
FIRE KOSHIE AND SUB HER IN ON SUNRISE. HAVE HER HOST THE CHASE AND ALSO BE THE CHASER. STRAP A HEADSET TO HER AND GET HER TO CALL FRIDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
This must be done. For the good of the nation.
Poor old Rich tries his hardest to win back the Best on Ground nod – even busting out some remarkably great breakdancing skills, tapping into that well known fact that “athletic things done in old man makeup are always funny.“
He even brings his SUPER ADORABLE family into the mix, and it’s still not enough to be the best thing on the episode. And they are *super* adorable.
NAWWWWWW MUM!
But, frankly, he can’t compete with everything else. How could you? It’s not even fair.
If you’re looking at the votes for MVP of the episode, it goes like this.
THREE VOTES: Cheeky Nonna.
TWO VOTES: Richie’s Mum.
ONE VOTE: Osher’s right nipple.
Apparently Dude Manor can get a bit chilly. Who knew?
Although with all that said, Sam makes a very last minute ditch for the award with this incredible stare of evil intentions after she ices Davey.
My god. She’s going to kill us all.
