We’re in the boring third week of Bachelorette Australia where nothing much happens, so for tonight the evil producers plotted not one but two hell dates for Angie Kent‘s suitors to go through.
Firstly there’s forced stand-up comedy (no) and then there’s hanging from a building on a harness (NO). There’s also some random cocktail party drama and a conspiracy theory, but hold up for a sec while me (Josie) and my colleague Mel take you through it from the start.
JOSIE: Can I please kick off this discussion with a moment of silence for *checks notes* Adam, the third long-haired guy who has faded into obscurity because the other two long-haired guys, Timm and Ciarran, are just charisma overload. Adam got up to read the group date card and for the 15th time I was like ‘who the fuck is that guy!?’. Poor Adam.
MEL: I also thought there was a fourth long-haired guy but maybe he went home? There’s simply no more room on the Bachelorette for long, lusciously-haired men here besides Ciarran and Timm, is the reality. So yes, Adam-whose-name-we-forgot reads out the card and 8 boys saunter down to Fox Studios, where Angie is waiting outside The Comedy Store. I already knew where this was going Josie and I wanted to call the police. Do. Not. Force. People. To. Do. Comedy!!!
JOSIE: Mel, this is absolute hell. This is a torture date. Giving them two seconds notice before they all have to do stand-up sets in front of actual punters? NO. If I was on the Bachelorette I’d honestly rather Angie be like “hey guys for this group date I’m going to pull off all your fingernails with a pair of pliers, one by one”. I felt so bad for all these guys. Harley Breen was there to try and help them shape their routines, but still. It was all very last minute and I felt extremely stressed for them. I could barely watch it.
MEL: I would straight up yeet myself out the window. I would not do it, I swear to god. It’s a crime – even if you’re funny, it doesn’t mean you’ll be good at stand-up, as Timm reminds us with his visceral levels of anxiety. So everyone plods off to one-on-one sessions with Harley, who is trying to make them semi-funny. He’s a pretty good teacher, I have to say. Very patient, even with Tom – our resident flight attendant whose personality seems to be “I’m a flight attendant”.
JOSIE: “I’m a flight attendant” — end of routine. Yes, he was a worry, and so was our mate Timm who was talking absolute smack while Harley looked at him nervously, pointing out that Timm would either totally nail it or totally bomb. Thankfully they didn’t make us sit through every single Bachelorette comedy club routine but some of the guys seemed like they did pretty well, which was nice. Poor Tom completely bombed.
MEL: TOTALLY bombed, I became at one with the back of my chair from cringing. And it seems unfair to judge them based on this? Although I think Angie was more like, I’m going to judge if they’re chill and can take the piss out of themselves over whether they were any good. Some people were amazing though like Ciarran, and thankfully Timm who pulled it together in the end. Ciarran wins top gong though, getting whisked off to some garden to drink with Angie again.
JOSIE: As soon as he got whisked off I started mentally chanting (and maybe audibly? I’m not sure I had headphones on so maybe) “KISS. KISS. KISS” and literally the first thing Angie said was “I want there to be a kiss this time”. They had a nice time talking about their friends and family, and then Ciarran had a moment where he didn’t know what the word “sibling” meant. Honestly as a journo and someone who likes words I’d usually be mortified by this, but because Ciarran is pretty I didn’t mind. Get every word wrong! I don’t care!
MEL: You definitely chanted it audibly. And agree! Who cares if Ciarran can’t even spell his own name, not me. But then they did kiss and… it felt kinda flat, don’t you reckon?
JOSIE: I mean they both insisted it was straight FIRE but I didn’t even see any wet tongue or anything! Their lips were just kind of smushed up against each other? I love Ciarran and I think Angie really likes him too, but I almost wonder if it’s more like he’s great fun and there’s not a lot of sexual energy going on. She’s def had hotter kisses, as much as it pains me to admit because he’s my person in the Bachelorette office sweep. What was really cute, aside from him in that mustard coloured shirt MY GOD, was the next day how he refused to admit they kissed. Ciarran = a gentleman.
MEL: LOVED THAT SO MUCH. Everyone just lie after you come back from dates, telling the others you kissed is just dick-swingy energy I have no time for. None of that is you being a good mate or honest, it’s just you trying to throw your weight around. Huge mood, Ciarran just not doing that. Meanwhile Jamie, as always, is level 500 unstable.
JOSIE: He started going off in some Shakespearean monologue about how his entire life, from birth, had been leading up to a single date with Angie. I love Angie as much as the next person, but matey you’ve known her for a couple of weeks max in the context of The Bachelorette. You cannot possibly have this much of love and devotion directed at her. What about when Scot said Jamie had got up at 12.30 to prepare for the single date? This man can’t be a real person. I refuse to believe it.
MEL: He cannot be real. He’s either an actor or a robot. That’s all there is to it. So then this fire engine starts lumbering in, which as you said is such a troll on Jamie bc he is a fire fighter! But instead it’s some nonsensical date idea the Bachelorette producers have concocted to put Ryan and Angie dangerously close to death in the name of a date.
JOSIE: Even with certain death facing them, it still managed to be the most boring date ever. I’m sorry but I do not see how Ryan is a frontrunner in this competition. Am I just blinded by my undying love for Timm and Ciarran?
MEL: HOWWWWWWWWW. I mean I am also blinded by undying love for Ciarran and Timm as you know, but seriously. Ryan is lovely, but he’s about as funny as a deflated pool toy. Their date was awkward, their kiss was awkward, I simply refuse to believe Angie is genuinely feeling vibes with this guy.
JOSIE: When you’re thrilled about bonding over the fact that you both have disgustingly sweaty hands, you know you’re clutching at straws. But Angie was really talking him up afterwards. I just don’t understandddd. And it turns out the Bachelorette blokes don’t either, as soon as it was cocktail party they were airing their conspiracy theories about him being “sketchy”, which obviously we both loved as noted conspiracy fans.
MEL: Love a good conspiracy based simply around “he seems untrustworthy”. I fully back this as a reason to be suss on someone, by the way. Meanwhile Jamie’s out here presenting Angie with the romantic gift of socks, because Yvie said something about how Angie hates her feet? Mate, this guy is a ROBOT.
JOSIE: They were saying Ryan is really evasive when asked questions about his life. I think because they’re trapped in this mansion they are descending into paranoia, which is really some excellent energy for a fun, light-hearted dating show. Meanwhile they all got a good laugh when Jamie presented Angie with the socks, with Timm pointing out that’s what he might buy his grandpa for Christmas. But Angie seemed to appreciate the gesture and said it was thoughtful! I do think maybe the Bachelorette producer said: “Angie please say something nice about Jamie now”.
MEL: They absolutely asked Angie to find a good element to Jamie for an on-camera bit, since the poor guy is getting relentlessly roasted. But you can tell she’s so off him. Anyway then Ryan proves his sketchiness by swooping in to chat to Angie… even though he has a rose already. IDK, honestly the boys lost their shit over this but like, Timm did it LITERALLY last week? Why is Ryan suddenly a demon for chatting when he’s safe, if Timm did the same thing?
JOSIE: I feel like they were mildly miffed at Timm but when Ryan did it they all acted as if he’d deeply offended their great ancestors. It didn’t help that when confronted, he pulled out the “I’m not here to make friends” line. I feel like they are a friendly kind of bunch so this was just, like, the final straw. Literally, grown men were grabbing their G&Ts and storming off.
MEL: And then Tom’s like up in Ryan’s face pointing his finger like a cranky granny all “all I’m saying mate is you’ve offended the boys” Looooool.
JOSIE: “The boys have lost respect for you over this”. Ryan was politely listening like “Coooool, I couldn’t give a flying fuck”. I don’t even like the dude but it was QUITE the overreaction from like, 5 guys. I wonder if there was more to it that we didn’t see. Even blessed Ciarran flounced off at one point!
MEL: Surely there was more to it, I can’t see Ciarran marching off in offence over Ryan simply chatting to Angie. Whatever it was, we weren’t privy to it – rude – and then it was time for the rose ceremony. Osh sombrely tells everyone 3 dudes will be going, and in wild areas Jamie gets through immediately.
JOSIE: Maybe Angie genuinely couldn’t wait to slip her hoofs into those socks? I was baffled by his immediate ticket through to next week! So Adam (RIP boring long haired man), Scot and Tom all got booted, which was interesting to me as Scot and Tom were big on the We Hate Ryan train. Maybe Angie saw some of the drama go down, or was told about it?
MEL: And I thought Scot was doing well! I’m so deeply into this Bachelorette conspiracy Josie. I bet it goes all the way to the top!
Love Josie and Mel and also conspiracies? Well you will love their mystery / true crime podcast All Aussie Mystery Hour. Check it out HERE.