We’re back! It’s episode 2 of The Bachelorette Australia for 2021! It’s my favourite episode – the dodgy photoshoot designed to humiliate anyone with a fragile ego!
We first see everyone hanging out super naturally on the couches outside, probably in sub-zero temperatures given the sheer amount of polyester parka we’re accosted with. Seriously, every second person is wearing a giant parka. Is this the North Pole?
I love seeing all the contestants in their normal clothes, it’s like seeing teachers in the wild.
We’ve got jaunty hats, questionable beanies and pleather jackets galore. Oh, and the 400 parkas on their way to landfill. I imagine that big rubbish slug that’s in the ocean (you know the thing, it’s like a huge island of just garbage) will be entirely made of this year’s parkas.
Sorry, I really have it in for the parkas.
Anyway, Holly bursts out of the drywall to tell everyone that there’s a group date. Jamie-Lee is first on the list. Jamie-Lee loves that she is first on the list, and wonders whether this means anything, like Brooke sits there deliberating until 3am who she’ll take on a group date, and not the producers just playing name-out-of-a-hat.
Jess is going, much to Konrad The Chair Fucker’s dismay. But! He is also going. Great news, that won’t end badly at all.
Everyone leaves their parkas and heads off to some Victorian mansion in the country for the shoot. They’re introduced to the stylist who is there to ruin their lives, hopefully with crab costumes.
The stylist looks extra intimidating because she’s wearing a mask. I’m already enjoying this too much.
The first shoot is a pool party New Year’s Eve shoot – the theme was “places you fall in love” this year. The bar is on the floor. One guy starts doing push ups to get instant abs or something, coz that’s definitely how it works.
The guy, I don’t know his name because he hasn’t become important yet, does the WORK. He’s picking Brooke up and pretend-throwing her into the pool and doing a frozen cheek kiss. It’s about as romantic as you can get on these shoots, and Jamie-Lee is pissed.
She then says “these two can go over there now right? I’m the lifeguard” because she’s playing the lifeguard in this weird setup that’s meant to be a pool party but the lifeguard was invited and is wearing a jaunty party hat.
Jamie-Lee is obviously as confused about her role in this shoot as I am because she just stands attractively next to Brooke and smiles like she’s at Sunday brunch with the girls and not meant to be fake-saving Brooke’s life.
Next is, of course, Jess and Konrad. They’re meant to be at a romantic dinner – Konrad is the date, Jess is the Scottish (I assume, with the tartan) waiter maybe. It’s weird.
It gets weirder when Jess goes “hey can I sit down” and suddenly Konrad is serving the waiter and his supposed date. This shoot is bonkers, I can’t wait to see the trainwreck final pics.
Konrad The Chair Fucker can’t stop with the chair business. He cannot let it go. Do you think we’ll have to hear about the chair the entire way through this season?
But then Konrad has the genius producer-led idea to fake propose to Brooke and wins the shoot. She loves it. It’s a cute moment.
Next is a Halloween shoot and YES!! WE HAVE A SEMI-DEFLATED PUMPKIN!!!
Beautiful stuff, but we didn’t get to see much of him because it was all about Beau pouting and this In The Navy guy showing his hand that he just wants to get famous and be in the newspaper. Which was compelling stuff but I wanted more pumpkin.
Next Brooke has chosen Holly to be some sort of masked mystery lady at a New Years Eve ball. Who goes to New Years Eve balls? We already had the New Years shoot!
Anyway, the chemistry is out of control. They slow dance again (please no more from Holly now or I’ll have to accuse her of making slow dancing a personality) and it’s very hot. Holly asks if Brooke wants to kiss her and Brooke says yes, but you can tell she’s a bit shy and she tells us to-camera that she gets scared of making the first move. Then all these fireworks go off and it’s all VERY WIFEY ENERGY.
Anyway, they don’t kiss but it’s hot in that way that Pride & Prejudice is at the end, in the Kiera Knightley version (shut up, it’s good) where they don’t kiss but they have sex with their eyes.
Then it’s time for a single date! Brooke takes Darvid The Great, saying he really stood out to her. She keeps saying this but I keep feeling like all I remember of Darvid is the sparkly blazer and how he made her sit on the ground to drink lukewarm tea. But I guess Brooke felt a spark because he cops the HELICOPTER DATE. Easily the most expensive date, well done Darvid.
We get a lot of TOUCHDOWN HELICOPTERS signage because hey, these expensive dates don’t pay for themselves.
They fly off to the country and get hurled OFF A CLIFF to sit in some unstable-looking basket. I would actually shit my pants if someone made me do this. I would shit my pants, and then make them sit there dealing with it for the full hour because I would have frozen from fear, no one would be able to get me back up, and they’d have to sedate me in the end. Tres romantique.
It gets worse – they then make some poor guy abseil down with a basket of hot chocolate. No one is enjoying this date. Everyone is fearing for their life, including the group of people who I think are personally winching the Death Basket so it doesn’t careen down into the forest. This show is batshit, I love it so much.
Anyway, Darvid actually seems very sweet. He comes across as quite a thoughtful, quiet type and Brooke seems a bit smitten with him. He gets a rose. They get along well in a cutesy, Bachelory kind of way. You know, where you can’t tell if they actually are falling in love or if they’re just trying to make the date good so they can be airlifted to safety.
Then it’s time for the cocktail party. Everyone’s keen to get time with Brooke, but she takes Matt off first. Side note – Brooke is SERVING in her pantsuit tonight.
Matt gets about 0.05 seconds to chat with Brooke though before Darvid The Great, of all people, whisks her away to show her a magic trick, probably involving his penis. KIDDING. I bet there actually are toxic king magicians out there though that would do that.
Anyway, everyone is sooooo pissed that Darvid – who, by the way, has a rose already – has stolen precious seconds of Brooke’s time from them. Except no one does anything about it they just sit and stink-eye him and bitch.
Then Brooke grabs Holly. They are SO very vibey together. Everyone can see it – even Jamie-Lee is like, I should be jealous but they just look SO GOOD TOGETHER.
Brooke gives Holly a rose and they hug, but no kiss yet. The tension is so highhhhhh guys! I’m like:
THEN we get the best moment, I love these – one girl is drunk for sure, and starts telling Darvid she’s soooo disappointed in him for whisking Brooke away, and then just starts saying cliche terms like “live, laugh, love” vibes. I think it’s “this is a reflection of you not me” and “to each their own”. Darvid is just like:
Then it’s time for the rose ceremony. Everyone gets through and we’re left with Beau and the guy who wants to be the next Jamie Durie or something:
In the end, Jamie Durie gets through and Beau is gone. He’s mad AF, as he would say.
Next week! Holly gets a solo date and Darvid is the most hated dude in the house because *checks notes* he’s only there for… Brooke?
Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and would rather kiss Tony Abbott than abseil into a hanging Death Chair. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.
