We’ve wrapped up the second week of Bachelor In Paradise and just like last year, it’s the precise point that the Common Fuckboy starts to be spotted in the wild. Something about being holed up on an island with a plethora of beautiful, decent women causes some of these blokes to start acting like complete deadshits. It’s infuriating enough to watch, but you can only image how it feels for the beautiful, decent women in question. We saw some tears tonight — hell, even one of the blokes put on the waterworks.
As usual, me (Josie, Head of Editorial) and Mel (Senior Features / Style Editor) sat through it, ate a lot of chocolate — not the pizza we so politely requested? Dominos where u at — and screamed at the screen. Then we turned that screaming into a recap for you. Enjoy!
MEL: So we opened this episode with all the couples being loved-up. And… Zoe/Nathan slowly drifting out to sea on their paddleboards. Bye guys. You know who wasn’t loved up? Rachael, who is fucking STILL going the FUCK on about Richie. Honestly, what?
JOSIE: I’ve written in my notes: ‘Rachael please just stop you despo’. It’s just… like we said, some of it is probably editing but some of it she is just flat-out saying. To like get personally offended by Richie frolicking in the sludge with Cass? You don’t own him! But also, the frolicking was a bit sibling-esque. Apart from the extreme g-string action it remind me of rough-housing with my brother in the ocean at age 9. “Nooo now I’m gonna fake-drown YOU!”
MEL: Yeah aside from the complete nakedness of the two of them, I’m really not buying the Cass/Richie love story. Maybe they’ll change my mind in future but what once was cute and shy has become stale and brotherly. Meanwhile, Osher the Rainforest Love Nymph is back, poking his head out of the bushes and startling Bill before telling him there’s a secret woman out in the middle of the ocean waiting for him.
It all sounds like an elaborate ruse to see the guy drown, which I… semi wish it was bc Bill sucks. But no! It’s our old friend Flo! This makes complete sense because Bill = Jake 2.0. Totally Flo’s fuckboy type.
JOSIE: HOW does Flo know every single Bachelor contestant that has ever lived? And seems to have dated them all? And I cannot with Bill continually talking about seeing girls at the dog park. Is “dog park” code for his seedy bedroom?
MEL: It absolutely is, and they’ve definitely fucked. Both their faces screamed “I’ve seen your genitals on purpose”. I get that it’s Paradise and the point is to play the field a bit but Bill is a sly fucken dog, and the way he lied to Flo about Alex was suss as shit. Like absolutely go on the date, even stay at the fancy hotel. But don’t be all “I’m single as a tuna fish”.
JOSIE: It was absolutely a dog move. That’s why he lives in the dog park. But let’s remember Flo did this exact same thing to Davey last season so I only have a very small amount of sympathy.
MEL: Yeah totally, she’s not an angel at all. Not like Brooke and Cass, who both went through some SHIT tonight. I feel like Alex telling Brooke she’s not keen anymore and Bill’s the one for her was a bit premature. Alex clearly had feelings there, why not just coast things? Brooke was! It was super strange to me. I was sad to see Brookie leave because she seems like a really genuine gal, but I also totally got it. Why bother sticking around if there’s no one there you want to fuck who wants to fuck you back?
JOSIE: Exactly. And like we said to each other while watching, Brooke’s a very low-key gal. She’s not like Alisha for example who is a spicy bitch who lives for drama. Brooke’s not gonna hang around just for shits and giggles. It was kind of a shock to see her go, but I still stand by the Brooke / Alex thing being a bit forced and it seems like maybe it was from Alex’s end, she cooled off on Brooke pretty bloody quickly.
MEL: Meanwhile, Rachael took batshit to a new level – I can’t believe she dragged Cass off for a deep and meaningful “lay off my guy” chat, and made the sweet angel cry!
Rachael needed a reality check, and I’m actually glad Richie gave her one in their one-on-one a little later. “I just want to pull back from you” was a pretty harsh line but she needed to hear it, even if it made her cry for about 40 years.
JOSIE: I thought he handled that really well. Richie seemed honestly baffled by how intense she was being about everything. It probably took all his power not to laugh about it. He was pretty blunt but she needed to hear it. At least he had the balls to actually communicate, unlike Ivan who just flat out stopped speaking to Brittney. That hurt me in my heart.
MEL: Oh my GOD. I could not believe how ridiculous Ivan and Jules got over Tenille. That was outrageous. Like she’s obviously gorgeous and I semi get that Ivan was cooling with his Britt feelings, but just talk to the woman? Don’t fucking not even say HELLO IN THE MORNING. Standard immature bullshit, she can do way better. And Jules! Hello! Alisha is the best??
JOSIE: That was just stupid, the way they reacted over Tenille. Like, everybody who arrives is really hot, it’s a fucken reality show! But they were like cutting out their hearts and presenting them to her on drinks trays. It was bizarre. I could NOT with Jules. It’s like… he finally gets attention from a really nice and decent girl (Alisha) and then suddenly thinks he’s god’s gift to women? Honey, you ain’t.
MEL: I was SO down with Alisha’s attitude about that. She was clearly hurt but she gave it to him straight and was basically like “I’m not going to put up with this shit” and was clear that she was only into him so if he was confused, she was out.
But yes, both those dudes – fucked. How Ivan was all “she’s number one on my wish list”? Mate, she’s not PROPERTY. Calm the fuck down.
JOSIE: It was so fucked. Not to mention that bizarre dance he did for her while wearing clothes approximately 14 sizes too small. I like to think Alex Nation deliberately helped him picked an outfit that made him look like an even bigger dipshit. Honestly if someone approached me while wearing that I’d sacrifice myself into the sludge.
MEL: Chriiiiist alive that dance was hell on Earth! I wanted to become one with the chair I was on when I watched that, I can’t even imagine how much Tenille wanted to shrink into a pea and roll on out of there. Also thrusting your penis into the face of the girl you’re interested in is not how you win her over, juuuust saying. Maybe in the club at 3am but not at 7.30pm in Fiji.
Not that Tenille isn’t being weird herself. What was with her telling Ivan “you’re funny, but I’m funnier. I’m witty funny”. I… just don’t think you can ever go around declaring you’re witty-funny? Witty funny people do not do that.
JOSIE: I know! Like I said, even Emma Thompson, a genuinely witty-funny person, would never dream of saying that. Also speaking of funny, when Bill and Flo came back from their date Alex’s face was actually GOLDEN. She was so off it. I was obsessed, it was the biggest vibe.
But Bill is an absolute demon, lying to both Flo and Alex about the status of each relationship. Classic. Fuckboy. Behaviour. He’s a smiling assassin. I cannot BEAR HIM. The way he talked about him and Alex in the past tense TO ALEX was like when murderers get sprung talking about their victims in the past tense even though the cop didn’t mention they were dead.
MEL: Hahahaha yes. He has the full vibe of a murderer minus the actual murdering bit. Smooth, gaslighter, manipulator… but I feel Alex isn’t one to cop that shit and not see through it. Meanwhile we must discuss Nathan stepping in for Bill to tell Flo about Bill/Alex.
Loved Flo and Alex’s chat where they finally learned all the shit. It was like their power pants drew them together.
JOSIE: Yes it was a real power meeting of power pants and I feel like there’s an Anti-Fuckboy Brigade movement stirring amongst the girls. We saw it with Alisha too.
MEL: Omg yes! I loved how Alisha went back to Jules but not REALLY, admitting to Alex that she was basically planning to ruin him for fucking her over. I hope to all heaven that Alex, Flo and Alisha find a way to boot Jules and Bill next rose ceremony.
JOSIE: I hope there’s some scheming, because Demon Bill sure did some scheming at this rose ceremony by bribing American Alex to do his bidding and save Flo. Poor Alex had shades of Michael Turnbull last year, the guilt was too much for him. He looked 20 years older than he did in the morning?
MEL: Oh my god that was ridiculous! How Bill was muttering “fuck yeah” and “thanks man”. Gross. Also I wasn’t sad to see Brittney and Rachael go, tbh I think they should have just walked out? They both knew they weren’t getting roses. That being said how good was Britt’s shut down of Ivan.
JOSIE: Fucking power to her! I was stoked that she blocked him. I don’t know, she was all “Unhinged Brittney” for a lot of it but she’s got a good head on her shoulders. She knows her worth! Speaking of which, I just adored Alisha’s flinty smile when Jules gave her the rose. Shit is going to go down.
MEL: Oh my god yes, and Alex’s flinty hug to bill before ripping into him after the ceremony. Fuck yeah ladies! Down with fuckboys. Can’t wait for next week, I sincerely hope bill and Jules and Ivan get theirs.