Bachelor In Paradise 2020 is pulling no punches, huh? It is literally punch city up in here! First, we lost fan fave Abbie in like, episode TWO – wild. Ciarran, our sexy future husband from Angie’s season, is now our sexy fuckboy. And like, Timm and Brittany? Maybe in love? Madness.
So we open episode 3 with everyone dealing with obvious hangovers by the pool, as we run through the tentatively-formed couples – like Brittany and Timm, who already look like my Mum and Dad at Palm Cove Travelodge Resort after they shunt us kids off into the Kids Club (Kidz Club).
Ciarran and Jess are basically blending into the same person over here:
But Helena isn’t sure if she’s feeling it with Glenn. She thinks she might like him but also it might just be friendship. I don’t think Helena understands the basic concept of Bachelor In Paradise which is this: even if you think they’ve got the sexual energy of a snail, pretend you are in love with them so you don’t go home.
Meanwhile Brittany tells everyone Timm is like, the furthest from her type she’s ever dated. Guys – is this man not just Honey Badger with more tatts?
Like, sorry but for us Bachie viewers this is exactly your type. Meanwhile the ugly hat convention is in session out on the swings:
I am sorry, I think fashion is a fluid concept and creativity/expression are more important than following trends. But I draw the LINE at fedoras, people. Even Justin Timberlake doesn’t wear them anymore.
Anyway once I rewound after Fedora Shock, I realised that Mary and Cass were discussing Cass’ new love for Jake. This will be important later, of course.
Over under some chic plastic frangipanis, Glenn has fully embodied himself with the spirit of Sunburnt Jarrod.
I ALREADY TOLD YOU, GET THE MAN SOME SUNBLOCK IMMEDIATELY. IS ANYONE LISTENING HERE.
Next minute, Timm runs in with a date card. It’s for Jake – he can pick whoever he wants to take on a date! Mrs Fedora is like:
Except Jake blindsides us all and picks…. Helena?
Also I am starting this now – Niranga Watch.
These women are sleeping on this man, the producers are sleeping on this man, bloody Not-Wais the bartender is sleeping on this man (where is his FRUITY BEVERAGE GODDAMNIT). I have had ENOUGH OF IT.
So Jake and Helena choof off to drink warm champers on some soiled couch cushions or whatever, while these two who are clearly welded together at this point shuffle their new, singular self onto a paddleboard in the middle of what looks like a tropical hurricane.
Over on the Jake/Helena date, Jake is also channelling the spirit of Sunburnt Jarrod. I swear to god it is only the men on this show who get burnt.
Helena is into Jake, but she’s unsure if he’s actually in Paradise 100%. Basically – she reckons he’s still holding a flame for his ex-Bachie love, Meghan Not-Markle.
I mean it’s pretty fucking obvious he does when she asks him this, and he starts looking like an extra in a 2005 Lindsay Lohan ballad.
Elsewhere we have a new, even more hideous hat convention:
Can we make special note of WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH JAMIE’S HAT PATTERN?
Wait guys guys guys guys. I worked it out. These two are literally – I shit you not – having a romantic date in a torrential downpour.
Their “date” goes terribly. It’s basically Jamie either failing to read the very, very clear signals sent by Britt or he’s just not keen, in which case it’s like ok well why did you give her your damn rose then mate.
Anyway! ONE – NIRANGA WATCH.
TWO – an actually GOOD hat convention? Shocking! Two hats I don’t hate!
Brittany explains to us that the Renee/Ciarran drama is far from over and everyone’s decided she’s coming to Paradise. Which will be awkward, because as Brittany explains – Jess, who is currently a new limb on Ciarran’s body, was friends with Renee?
Then Osher appears. He explains what we already know – Cass is friends with Renee (for now). Ciarran is Renee’s ex. Jess WAS friends with Renee. But he also tells us that Niranga (my dude!!!) and Renee have been “talking” since a Bali holiday.
OH MY GOD WE ARE FINALLY GETTING A NIRANGA STORYLINE PEOPLE.
Cass is giggling with gossipy glee over all of this, which seems a bit premature considering she steamrolled over her “friendship” with Renee to have a crack at her douchey ex.
Ciarran has a massive tanty, stomping all over Paradise in his yellow budgie smugglers and splashing foot-cleaning water everywhere while Timm minces behind him.
Then BAM! Renee is here, marching into Paradise with a lot of nervous energy. Honestly, I’m nervous?? So she must be crapping her dacks.
They must push her into the shrubbery or something (“not NOW idiot we said at the DINNER PARTY”) because she doesn’t return until the Bula Bonanza or whatever it is. Jess is immediately like:
She starts grilling – I mean GRILLING – Renee over who she wants to see here, who she reckons is here, etc etc. Renee is a bit taken aback and she’s like, I don’t know??? I literally climbed out of some hibiscus bushes ten minutes ago, lady???
The women head to the Bula Bonfire, and Renee avoids saying hi to Ciarran until the last second of life. THEN, she spots Jess and Ciarran like this:
And she’s like:
But in my soul I am just Mary down the other end of the table hoovering her entree while watching the carnage play out.
NIRANGA WATCH.
There he is!
Meanwhile Ciarran starts banging on a glass of red and tells the table he’s got a big speech. The other end is RIVETED by the drama and frothing on the fact it has nothing to do with them.
Ciarran tells Renee he’s sorry he cheated, blah blah, all the shit we’ve already heard. He looks pretty sincere:
Renee tells us on the side that she’s not having a bar of it – he’s doing it for the cameras, and she’s had a gutful. She also keeps alluding to some sort of “more to the story” business and honestly by this point I’m like:
Honestly can SOMEONE up in here give us the juice, we need the juice.
Anyway, everyone opens the secret box filled with secrets and starts drilling Ciarran and Renee about their relationship. Ciarran lasts about 2.5 questions before throwing his second tanty (this time a fully-clothed one), storming off with Glenn in tow.
Once Glenn’s corralled Ciarran at the bar with a Bundy and Coke, Ciarran breaks down. It’s actually heartbreaking, though? Not saying he’s an angel from heaven but it’s hard to see someone upset ok! I don’t have a heart of stone!
But then I snap out of it coz IS THAT WAIS THE BARTENDER BACK FOR SEASON 3?
He was honestly on screen for 0.000002 seconds and I have a feeling it’s a different sexy Fijian man, but I will hold onto this dream. Wais must return. He can’t possibly have moved on from all of this annoying melodrama. I won’t believe it.
Back at the table, Timm has found his Paradise purpose and it’s called “stirring up shit that doesn’t remotely involve me because I’ve had a few too many shandys”. His target? Cass, who is playing the BFFL card with Renee but hasn’t told her about that whole bit where she was rubbing her feet all over her ex’s legs.
Honestly, Timm is being such a dick but I am also LOVING IT because sorry Cass, but you can’t be all “I am HeRE FoR MeEe” and then pretend you didn’t “here for me” all over Ciarran on the sex couch.
Side note can we all applaud the amount of Niranga Time we got tonight? The man is finally getting the screen love and (I hope) IRL love he deserves!!!! You cannot tell me these two are just mates!!!!
I ship it so hard, I’ve started a couples Instagram for them.
You know who isn’t in love anymore? Brittany with her 27-going-on-11 year old boyfriend.
She is fuming over his behaviour, and tells us she’s never seen him so defensive before. I wouldn’t say it’s 100% over but Timm did himself no favours bullying the table, tbh.
Renee is the next to storm off from the dinner, which has about two people left at the table by now. More prawns for Mary I guess!! I’d be stoked.
Renee properly breaks down, first with some producers and then with “BFFL” Cass. She tells Cass she’s been holding in this huge secret and the pressure is just too much. She sounds honestly so traumatised and by this point, if I was Cass I’d be shaking the poor woman and shouting “WHO CARES ABOUT THAT DOUCHE JUST TELL EVERYONE WHAT HE DID, SAVE YOURSELF!”
Eventually, Ciarran decides to go talk to her – much to the distaste of Jess, who is well and truly sick of this “Ciarran is maybe a dickface” business ruining her goal of becoming this man’s conjoined twin.
At first, they talk in the dark, as far away from producers as they can get. But eventually Renee makes them sit down. They have a heated convo where Renee whispers “no one knows the truth” and things of the like while Ciarran’s like “I TOLD EVERYONE I CHEATED OK”.
Finally – FINALLY – we get ~the secret~. Renee actually tells producers in a to-camera bit. She says that when Ciarran left Angie on The Bachelorette, he was actually going home to give their relationship another go.
!!!!!!! YOU!!!!!! GUYS!!!!! WHAT!!!!!! THE FUCK!!!!!!!
I have SO many questions. Did his grandma actually pass away? I assume she did since Renee didn’t say “also his grandma doesn’t exist”. So I guess it was more like, he used that as an excuse to leave but the real, underlying reason was to be with Renee? I think?
She reckons he was phoning her the whole time, he was over the whole thing and was still in love with her. HOLY MOLY BAZOLEY. This is big news.
She was not wrong when she said it would ruin Australia’s image of the guy – but also I mean, he did that for himself by dry humping the entirety of Paradise in under 24 hours. Like I wouldn’t feel bad Renee ‘cos the man really was sauntering his budgy smuggler-covered ass up to anyone who was interested. Think I speak for Australia
In the end Ciarran’s like, ok I’m done – he tells Renee he’s going to leave so she can have a chance at love. It is all VERY dramatic? And we don’t even know if he’s actually going to just be like “lol bye Jess” because that’s where we leave everyone.
Will he leave? Will he stay? Will Jess sew herself to his back in protest? Guess we’ll find out on Bachie tomorrow.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.
