Bachelor In Paradise 2020 is pulling no punches, huh? It is literally punch city up in here! First, we lost fan fave Abbie in like, episode TWO – wild. Ciarran, our sexy future husband from Angie’s season, is now our sexy fuckboy. And like, Timm and Brittany? Maybe in love? Madness.

So we open episode 3 with everyone dealing with obvious hangovers by the pool, as we run through the tentatively-formed couples – like Brittany and Timm, who already look like my Mum and Dad at Palm Cove Travelodge Resort after they shunt us kids off into the Kids Club (Kidz Club).

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
oi love pass us the chardy would ya

Ciarran and Jess are basically blending into the same person over here:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
I cannot tell where one ends and one begins

But Helena isn’t sure if she’s feeling it with Glenn. She thinks she might like him but also it might just be friendship. I don’t think Helena understands the basic concept of Bachelor In Paradise which is this: even if you think they’ve got the sexual energy of a snail, pretend you are in love with them so you don’t go home.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
I dunnooooo I’m still waiting for Zac Efron, he’s in Byron ya know

Meanwhile Brittany tells everyone Timm is like, the furthest from her type she’s ever dated. Guys – is this man not just Honey Badger with more tatts?

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
Seriously it might just BE Honey Badge with some stick-ons

Like, sorry but for us Bachie viewers this is exactly your type. Meanwhile the ugly hat convention is in session out on the swings:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
ok fine Mary’s passes but fedoras? At this time of year? At this time of day? Localised entirely in Paradise?

I am sorry, I think fashion is a fluid concept and creativity/expression are more important than following trends. But I draw the LINE at fedoras, people. Even Justin Timberlake doesn’t wear them anymore.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
stop trying to make fedoras happen

Anyway once I rewound after Fedora Shock, I realised that Mary and Cass were discussing Cass’ new love for Jake. This will be important later, of course.

Over under some chic plastic frangipanis, Glenn has fully embodied himself with the spirit of Sunburnt Jarrod.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
i am the sunburn captain now

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, GET THE MAN SOME SUNBLOCK IMMEDIATELY. IS ANYONE LISTENING HERE.

Next minute, Timm runs in with a date card. It’s for Jake – he can pick whoever he wants to take on a date! Mrs Fedora is like:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
ohohohoooo me and this short-brimmed bitch are getting outta here!

Except Jake blindsides us all and picks…. Helena?

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
see, if your hat had a wider, normal brim you could hide your disappointment under it

Also I am starting this now – Niranga Watch.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
A rare Niranga sighting!!!!

These women are sleeping on this man, the producers are sleeping on this man, bloody Not-Wais the bartender is sleeping on this man (where is his FRUITY BEVERAGE GODDAMNIT). I have had ENOUGH OF IT.

So Jake and Helena choof off to drink warm champers on some soiled couch cushions or whatever, while these two who are clearly welded together at this point shuffle their new, singular self onto a paddleboard in the middle of what looks like a tropical hurricane.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
lets superglue our shoulders together next

Over on the Jake/Helena date, Jake is also channelling the spirit of Sunburnt Jarrod. I swear to god it is only the men on this show who get burnt.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
it’s me your little cherry tomatey

Helena is into Jake, but she’s unsure if he’s actually in Paradise 100%. Basically – she reckons he’s still holding a flame for his ex-Bachie love, Meghan Not-Markle.

I mean it’s pretty fucking obvious he does when she asks him this, and he starts looking like an extra in a 2005 Lindsay Lohan ballad.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
this would be Lindsay’s bf who broke up with her bc his dad left the family and he can’t emotionally handle the pain

Elsewhere we have a new, even more hideous hat convention:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
you didn’t think it was possible but it is!!!!!

Can we make special note of WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH JAMIE’S HAT PATTERN?

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
is that mould or a questionable marble print?

Wait guys guys guys guys. I worked it out. These two are literally – I shit you not – having a romantic date in a torrential downpour.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
huddle closer to me for warmth we will get through this

Their “date” goes terribly. It’s basically Jamie either failing to read the very, very clear signals sent by Britt or he’s just not keen, in which case it’s like ok well why did you give her your damn rose then mate.

Anyway! ONE – NIRANGA WATCH.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
a wild Niranga appears!

TWO – an actually GOOD hat convention? Shocking! Two hats I don’t hate!

Brittany explains to us that the Renee/Ciarran drama is far from over and everyone’s decided she’s coming to Paradise. Which will be awkward, because as Brittany explains – Jess, who is currently a new limb on Ciarran’s body, was friends with Renee?

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
Renee is my best friend forever

Then Osher appears. He explains what we already know – Cass is friends with Renee (for now). Ciarran is Renee’s ex. Jess WAS friends with Renee. But he also tells us that Niranga (my dude!!!) and Renee have been “talking” since a Bali holiday.

OH MY GOD WE ARE FINALLY GETTING A NIRANGA STORYLINE PEOPLE.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
VINDICATION THIS MAN AND HIS DECENT HAT

Cass is giggling with gossipy glee over all of this, which seems a bit premature considering she steamrolled over her “friendship” with Renee to have a crack at her douchey ex.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
oops forgot about that

Ciarran has a massive tanty, stomping all over Paradise in his yellow budgie smugglers and splashing foot-cleaning water everywhere while Timm minces behind him.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
me when i’m told WFH is over

Then BAM! Renee is here, marching into Paradise with a lot of nervous energy. Honestly, I’m nervous?? So she must be crapping her dacks.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
man, hope no one filmed that lil bush spew

They must push her into the shrubbery or something (“not NOW idiot we said at the DINNER PARTY”) because she doesn’t return until the Bula Bonanza or whatever it is. Jess is immediately like:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
there isn’t enough Moet in the world rn

She starts grilling – I mean GRILLING – Renee over who she wants to see here, who she reckons is here, etc etc. Renee is a bit taken aback and she’s like, I don’t know??? I literally climbed out of some hibiscus bushes ten minutes ago, lady???

The women head to the Bula Bonfire, and Renee avoids saying hi to Ciarran until the last second of life. THEN, she spots Jess and Ciarran like this:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
babe, your night-time sun protective cap is so cute, nooo I love your blue light glasses babe

And she’s like:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
oh I see how it fkn is, BFFFFFL for life, not

But in my soul I am just Mary down the other end of the table hoovering her entree while watching the carnage play out.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
you eating those prawns or

NIRANGA WATCH.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
My eyes say stressed but my shirt says party!!!

There he is!

Meanwhile Ciarran starts banging on a glass of red and tells the table he’s got a big speech. The other end is RIVETED by the drama and frothing on the fact it has nothing to do with them.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
we are all Brittany right now

Ciarran tells Renee he’s sorry he cheated, blah blah, all the shit we’ve already heard. He looks pretty sincere:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
Sincere, but also scared shitless

Renee tells us on the side that she’s not having a bar of it – he’s doing it for the cameras, and she’s had a gutful. She also keeps alluding to some sort of “more to the story” business and honestly by this point I’m like:

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy

Honestly can SOMEONE up in here give us the juice, we need the juice.

Anyway, everyone opens the secret box filled with secrets and starts drilling Ciarran and Renee about their relationship. Ciarran lasts about 2.5 questions before throwing his second tanty (this time a fully-clothed one), storming off with Glenn in tow.

Once Glenn’s corralled Ciarran at the bar with a Bundy and Coke, Ciarran breaks down. It’s actually heartbreaking, though? Not saying he’s an angel from heaven but it’s hard to see someone upset ok! I don’t have a heart of stone!

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
unless these are fake in which case JETTISON THE MAN INTO THE OCEAN

But then I snap out of it coz IS THAT WAIS THE BARTENDER BACK FOR SEASON 3?

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
Please we beg

He was honestly on screen for 0.000002 seconds and I have a feeling it’s a different sexy Fijian man, but I will hold onto this dream. Wais must return. He can’t possibly have moved on from all of this annoying melodrama. I won’t believe it.

Back at the table, Timm has found his Paradise purpose and it’s called “stirring up shit that doesn’t remotely involve me because I’ve had a few too many shandys”. His target? Cass, who is playing the BFFL card with Renee but hasn’t told her about that whole bit where she was rubbing her feet all over her ex’s legs.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
you mean that was filmed

Honestly, Timm is being such a dick but I am also LOVING IT because sorry Cass, but you can’t be all “I am HeRE FoR MeEe” and then pretend you didn’t “here for me” all over Ciarran on the sex couch.

Side note can we all applaud the amount of Niranga Time we got tonight? The man is finally getting the screen love and (I hope) IRL love he deserves!!!! You cannot tell me these two are just mates!!!!

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
that is love if I’ve ever seen it!!!

I ship it so hard, I’ve started a couples Instagram for them.

You know who isn’t in love anymore? Brittany with her 27-going-on-11 year old boyfriend.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
just pass me the bottle so I can drown him out

She is fuming over his behaviour, and tells us she’s never seen him so defensive before. I wouldn’t say it’s 100% over but Timm did himself no favours bullying the table, tbh.

Renee is the next to storm off from the dinner, which has about two people left at the table by now. More prawns for Mary I guess!! I’d be stoked.

Renee properly breaks down, first with some producers and then with “BFFL” Cass. She tells Cass she’s been holding in this huge secret and the pressure is just too much. She sounds honestly so traumatised and by this point, if I was Cass I’d be shaking the poor woman and shouting “WHO CARES ABOUT THAT DOUCHE JUST TELL EVERYONE WHAT HE DID, SAVE YOURSELF!”

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
“hey so I know you’re sad but can I also explain again that I like, maybe licked Ciarran one time ok”

Eventually, Ciarran decides to go talk to her – much to the distaste of Jess, who is well and truly sick of this “Ciarran is maybe a dickface” business ruining her goal of becoming this man’s conjoined twin.

At first, they talk in the dark, as far away from producers as they can get. But eventually Renee makes them sit down. They have a heated convo where Renee whispers “no one knows the truth” and things of the like while Ciarran’s like “I TOLD EVERYONE I CHEATED OK”.

Finally – FINALLY – we get ~the secret~. Renee actually tells producers in a to-camera bit. She says that when Ciarran left Angie on The Bachelorette, he was actually going home to give their relationship another go.

BACHIE RECAP: Well Fuck, Renee’s Secret About Ciarran Really Was A Doozy
oopsy

!!!!!!! YOU!!!!!! GUYS!!!!! WHAT!!!!!! THE FUCK!!!!!!!

I have SO many questions. Did his grandma actually pass away? I assume she did since Renee didn’t say “also his grandma doesn’t exist”. So I guess it was more like, he used that as an excuse to leave but the real, underlying reason was to be with Renee? I think?

She reckons he was phoning her the whole time, he was over the whole thing and was still in love with her. HOLY MOLY BAZOLEY. This is big news.

She was not wrong when she said it would ruin Australia’s image of the guy – but also I mean, he did that for himself by dry humping the entirety of Paradise in under 24 hours. Like I wouldn’t feel bad Renee ‘cos the man really was sauntering his budgy smuggler-covered ass up to anyone who was interested. Think I speak for Australia

In the end Ciarran’s like, ok I’m done – he tells Renee he’s going to leave so she can have a chance at love. It is all VERY dramatic? And we don’t even know if he’s actually going to just be like “lol bye Jess” because that’s where we leave everyone.

Will he leave? Will he stay? Will Jess sew herself to his back in protest? Guess we’ll find out on Bachie tomorrow.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.