BACHIE RECAP: Jamie Gives Himself Haemorrhoids Trying To Choose Between Britt & Abbie

And we are back for Bachelor In Paradise episode 2’s recap! About five minutes have passed since we witnessed the goings-on from episode 1 – the Cass/Ciarran/Abbie love triangle, the Bula Bonanza or whatever that dinner party was… it’s all happening.

Let’s get into it.

So we open to a lovely, only mildly overcast and drizzling day in Fiji. Cass is telling Mary and that random Hydrangea Princess about how Ciarran is sooooo funny but “Abbie may like him too”. Mary’s like:

bitch, do you have eyes

Meanwhile can we discuss Captain Of Paradise Ciarran for a sec, because guys… are we really feeling this?

literally that guy at a bush doof who has the bad pingas

Hydrangea princess must have run off into the forest as soon as Cass started talking, because next second she’s zooming back in with… a date card!

She of course chooses Ciarran, and they walk off while Cass looks like she’s planning to pour bull ants into Abbie’s undie drawer.

I will also put boiled eggs in the air vents, just try me

Over by the pool, Jamie‘s talking to Jake about who he’ll give his rose to. He says he was going to give it to Abbie “as a friendship rose” (yeah right) but now she’s with Ciarran, he’s RELIEVED coz he can give it to someone he likes!

PHEW thank GOD hahaha coz Abbie doesn’t like me, no that’s not a tear, a bee just stung me in the eye

He talks for so long about it that Timm‘s ears fall off and he hops on a paddleboard then guns it into the horizon, never to be seen again.

brb off to find Tom Hanks and Wilson

Jk he’s back, but only to collect Brittany and fuck off again. Niranga and Glenn also collect a woman each, and I’m starting to think this is an elaborate ruse to escape their demountable bunk bed hell and be free.


Then this really cute thing happens. Brittney and Jamie go for a chat and they actually seem to like each other!

I ship this harder than Harry & Louis

The producers must have lassoed the escapees, because Glenn is back. Mary’s attempt to seduce him goes about as well as a loaf of bread in a party of coeliacs, and by that I mean he says “you’re a great mate” and Mary is like:

cool I’ll eat my pineapple and go fuck myself, then

Jess walks in. Who is that, you ask? I had NFI either – she was one of the intruders on Matt’s season who lasted 0.002 seconds. She has tatts and when Hydrangea Princess asks Cass what she’s like, Cass says “she’s got tatts and is a stripper”.

Yep, there’s no love lost between Cass and Jess at all. Jess is like “I didn’t think Cass was interesting enough for Paradise” and the first thing Cass says is “you’ve lost so much weight!”

omgggg thank youuuuu hope the pool drain sucks out your hair extensions

Helena gives Jess the lay of the land, saying Ciarran’s on a date with Abbie but no one’s really coupled up yet. No shit, it’s been like thirty minutes since they got to Paradise.

We segue over to Ciarran and Abbie who are fornicating in sewerage.

nothing makes me hornier than leeches and the stench of bat poo

Jamie is still giving himself a hernia over choosing someone at the rose ceremony. Then we get this brilliant declaration of love from Jamie for… Big Sexy. Also known as Timm.

Ah, my sweet Big Sexy

But Timm’s a hot tamale – Hydrangea Princess (Jaynie) is into him, and he likes her vibe, but then Brittany pulls a “can I just take you for a chat?” OG-Bachie move and corrals him into a bathtub. Like an outdoor bathtub. Not a spa. A bath.

bachelor in paradise
why are we having a literal bath in the bushes

Jaynie’s pretty devo, and now I’ve seen them together and seen a bit more of her I kind of… love her? She’s like “Timm will decide if he wants the dream woman or someone as awkward as him” and while Britt seems like a ledge, I feel like all Timm says about her is “her EYES omg her EYES” which like, are you going to gouge her eyes out in her sleep, I’m concerned.

Anyway, they make out in a pool of their own filth.

did you wee

They seem to kiss for five hours because they’re still licking each others faces off into the dead of night. Meanwhile, Abbie and Ciarran return. Abbie’s smitten but Ciarran tells Timm there’s nothing between them except sexual chemistry.

Timm has also been possessed by the spirit of The Fat Controller, apparently.

bachelor in paradise
choo choo

Ciarran lets Cass rub her tiny feet up and down his legs before Jess pulls him away for a chat. They talk for all of five minutes before choofing off to one of the demountables to dry hump???

bachelor in paradise
this is just a hello thrust

I mean, all power to ’em since they’re single and ready to mingle but that is some real horny energy right there. The next day, Jaynie – who shares the room with Jess – tells Abbie and Cass about the Ciarran sleepover. Abbie is PISSED.

what do you mean the biggest player in Paradise just played me

Then Osh appears from the palm fronds in a very sweaty-looking suit.

hurry the fuck up you chunts, my underarms are chafing

He tells everyone there’s going to be a rose ceremony that night – but not before an overdressed cocktail party! Everyone reconvenes once their Boohoo twin-sets have been gussied up with questionable hair flowers and their Tarocash pants are pressed down the seams.

First, Abbie decides she likes Jake now. She takes him for a chat, but Cass – who seems to think this is Survivor: Destroy Abbie Edition – yells across the island to Jake that THEY should go for a chat. It is awkward as fuck.

where’s MY immunity pin

Jamie has suddenly, out of literally nowhere, decided Helena is his future wife. Instead of telling her about it though, he sits down with Brittany.

bachelor in paradise
wait do you think my name is Helena

After THAT awkward convo, Timm and Britt 2 join them and Jamie AGAIN starts talking about Timm like he’s the best man at his wedding.

bachelor in paradise
Britt 2 adapts to wedding vibe immediately

Eventually Timm runs for the hills with Brittany in tow, while Jamie promises Britt 2 AGAIN that he’ll give her a rose. It seems like he actually will though – Mary has a chat with him and he says he’s 100% set on Britt 2 getting the rose, and how he likes her.

Except then Abbie is freaking out – she was expecting her rose from Jamie. She sits down with him and he tells her about the Britt 2 situation.

bachelor in paradise
can you at least give me the margarita

Abbie tells Jamie she feels shit in Paradise and like no one likes her/she’s annoying everyone/etc. It does sound genuine, but you can also SEE her panicking and look, I don’t wanna accuse the woman of manipulation but I think maybe sub-consciously she knows what her words are gonna do to Jamie, who is obsessed with her?

YEP. He promises HER his rose.

To the ceremony! Jake picks Cass. Timm picks Brittany. Glenn picks Helena. Niranga picks Mary (have they even spoken?). Ciarran picks Jess.

We’re down to Abbie, Jaynie and Britt 2. For a while I thought Jamie was gonna be a dog and pick Abbie, who he likes but who clearly isn’t into him, instead of Britt 2. But he picks Brittney! THANK GOD! THEY’RE SO CUTE!!

bachelor in paradise

Like literally nothing against Abbie coz she really just had a shit run of it, but I’m glad Jamie picked a gal who was romantically keen on him, not someone to just save as a mate. Oh god, am I getting attached to these people again? Invested in their lives which I know nothing about? HELL YES I AM.

‘Til next time.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.