BACHIE RECAP: All Hail Our New Queen, Kiki’s Savage Mum

Second last episode of Bachelor In Paradise 2020! I would say I’m not ready for the fun to be over but actually, we’ve been blessed with The Bachelor starting literally a few days after the finale so I’m fine, tbh.

But we must finish this epic marathon first. Before we get into the good shit, we have to get through a rose ceremony where we literally know exactly what is going to happen. I mean, we knew Brittney and Jackson were going to drift off to sea before the meet-the-parents stuff, right?

They both seem happy with the decision, it’s very beige. And we totally knew Scot and Mia, who have known each other a hot second, would do the same.

Again, both seemed fine – although it was a bit awkward for Scot to essentially dump Mia at the rose ceremony, even if she was mutually dumping him.

We also expected these two to be deeply obsessed with each other:

And Conor/Mary, Renee/Matt, Ciarran/Kiki. No surprises here. On to the families! First we have Alisha, and she’s extremely emotional because, as she explains, this was when shit fell to pieces for her last time she was in Paradise.

So it’s understandable that while Glenn is clearly a completely different (read: not fuckwit) type of guy to Jules circa 2019, she’s got her doubts. As she’s sitting there in Doubtsville Arizona, A VISION APPEARS.

Honestly I love a mum on a Bachie show. They’re always sassy and get really into the Fiji/South Africa/Bali/whatever vibe big time. Alisha’s mum Donna is no stranger to this in her cute off-shoulder number and WALKING WITH HER SHOES IN HER HAND, I’m just really here for this “I deserved this” vacay energy.

When Donna sits down with Alisha and hears about Glenn, how he’s 32 and not a fuckwit, she’s like “oh good I don’t have to wait too long for grandkids.” Alisha’s like:

She’s like ok, don’t say that to Glenn please. Her mum clearly didn’t get the memo of “every family reunion always involves tears” because she wore the most un-waterproof mascara and immediately started crying because, well, IT’S THE FAMILY REUNION EPISODE!

To be fair, she tells Alisha how hard it was to watch her in so much pain after the Jules situation, and I almost cried? Alisha says she has to go in and assess Glenn when she meets him.

Meanwhile, Glenn has brought his clone to Paradise.

Okay fine – it’s his twin brother but honestly it’s like, EXTREMELY TWIN brother Neil. They even sound the same. It’s almost like Glenn is playing some sort of long game where he leaves his twin brother as his replacement, runs off into the Fijian jungle and changes his entire identity. Honestly having an identical twin would be so useful, specifically for using as a dupe while you disappear.

I’m on a roll here so I’ll just continue simply for my benefit – how are more people NOT doing this? Scenario: you schmooze your way into the upper echelons of society, some sort of esteemed club of rich people. Country club, whatever. You charm an elderly lady with incredible wealth, STEAL ALL OF HER JEWELS, then switch yourself for your twin and run away into the night a rich man.

I did not think this through and have since realised in that scenario, Glenn would win a bounty of jewels while poor Neil would have to like, go to jail or be murdered. Oh well.

Back to regular programming – Alisha brings in her mum and there are lots of “lol what if I accidentally kissed Neil” jokes.

Alisha then takes Neil off while Glenn (maybe… we don’t know if the switch has occurred) chats to Donna.

All goes well. Donna’s obsessed with Glenn, Neil’s obsessed with Alisha, etc. Everyone loves each other and Glenn/Neil DEFINITELY didn’t swap shirts to stage their ultimate heist, nope!!

When they sit down for drinks afterward, they’re both smitten kittens.

I always find the “I love you” part of any Bachie show utterly cringe-level painful, because it’s all VERY raw and I don’t even like seeing couples hugging let alone declaring their love to each other for the first time, but at the same time I always end up grinning to myself like an idiot?

It’s so cute! But awkward. But adorable! But I want to die.

They kiss, they’re in love, they’re obsessed with each other, it’s the best.

Over to Conor and Mary. Mary has brought her friend over, while Conor’s gone for his mum and stepbrother. His mum has also gotten the “Extreme Bula” memo for fashion.

I just think we all need to embrace tropical fashion a bit more in these ~unprecedented times~. Nothing enlivens the soul quite like a splash of teal and orange, don’t you think?

Anyway Conor’s mum is an angel from heaven. Midway through the convo, Mary lets slip that she loves Conor (!!!) and his mum all but screams at her to tell him that. When her friend returns she says Conor seems like a good dude, it’s all very positive.

When THEY sit down for drinks, Mary immediately tells Conor she loves him and it’s SO FUCKING CUUUUUUUUUU-UUUUU-UUUUTE!!! I hate them all!!

They, like Alisha and Glenn, just look so bloody in love and seem like the real deal.

On to Matt! He’s brought his dad and he talks to him like a bro. All “hey mateeeeee what’s up CHAMP! Good to see YA buddy!!!”

Honest to god it looks like he’s just invited his Broseph to have a few Froth Whitlams in Fiji with him.

Renee, meanwhile has brought her NAN AND POP OH MY GOD.

They are so adorable. Renee explains how Matt is in Nitro Circus and is always away on tour, which is like BRAND NEW INFORMATION for us but ok, bring it up right now when we’ve gotten all invested buddy!!

She tells them she wants them to decide if he is ready to commit or if he’s going to let his lifestyle override their relationship.

Pop then tells us, with suitably intense music behind him, that he was a police officer for 15 years and he knows how to read people. It sounds like he’s Liam Neeson in Taken.

Matt’s dad like IMMEDIATELY throws him under the bus as soon as the two families sit down. Not even under the bus, his dad like, ties rocks all over his body and pushes him off the cliff edge. He basically, for NO REASON, brings up that Matt’s job leads to scores of beautiful women clamouring for his attention, then just fucks off out of the convo by pulling Renee for a chat. Matt is like:

But he manages to swim out of the sludgy depths, can you believe! He wins over Renee’s grandparents and all is well.

When they sit down for drinks it’s clear their romance isn’t on the same level as Glenn/Alisha or Mary/Conor, but they’re both into each other and want to see where it’s gonna go, then Matt asks Renee to be his girlfriend.

Last but absolutely not least, we have Ciarran and Kiki. Straight outta the gate, Kiki tells us that she only JUST found out, from Mary of all people, that Ciarran kissed Abbie on their date, shared a bed with him, and then shared a bed with Renee. She is livid.

She sits down with her mum who VERY much got the Extreme Bula memo, look at this tropicana deliciousness.

Kiki tells her mum all the Ciarran shit and her mum is sitting there like:

Honestly, same? Kiki seems like this heaps smart legend and I have NO idea why she’s putting up with this much shit from Ciarran. Ignoring what he did to Renee, he’s been shady as hell with HER.

Anyway, she says she’s giving her mum permission to do a “full Morris grilling” which is as fantastic as it sounds.

Ciarran has brought his friend Brad along, and it seems Brad had no bloody idea that Ciarran’s been swinging his dick all over Paradise and not, as he thought, in an idyllic relationship with Kiki.

But obviously what we really came for was Kiki’s mum. She absolutely slays Ciarran. Guts the man like a fish. Squashes him into a small fuckboy box and tosses him into the ocean.

She tells him it was a dog act to sleep with Jess and keep it from Kiki. She grills him over all the women he hooked up with and all the lying. She is OFF this guy, Mama Morris does not fuck around.

Meanwhile, Kiki breaks down talking to Brad, saying she isn’t even sure she has the guts to face Ciarran about this new wave of lies.

When she sits down with Ciarran, she tells him about the Mary comments. He lies (!!!!) again (!!!!) and says he just “lay down” with Abbie for a bit. We’re treated to flashbacks just in case we weren’t aware that in fact, he was there all night.

Kiki says she’s almost ready to throw the entire relationship into the ocean because it’s all so high school. Honestly, please? Do? Why are you still with this man he is the wooooooooorst!!

She showed up in the promo for the finale so I’m gonna put it out there, I think Kiki’s signed up for more bullshit unfortunately!

Oh my god guys. It’s almost the finale!! What will we do with ourselves 40 nights a week?

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.