Is it the final week of Bachelor In Paradise? I don’t even know what month it is. Smarch? What is time, even?

Whatever the case, we still have Bachelor In Paradise on most of this week, and the drama refuses to quit. Also I would like to take this moment to say I’m on the wines at 3pm in the afternoon, on a work day, and that my friends is the power of work from home.

hahahaha who am I kidding it’s 12pm

Let’s dive into it.

So we start the episode with the most alarming sight, honestly.

no one asked for this and yet this is what we have received

Yes, that is Ciarran and Kiki in matching togs running in slow motion along the beach. We are treated to this montage for no joke, five full minutes. It’s fun for about 30 seconds of that time. You can tell the producers are trying to fill the episode at this point.

that is 4 minutes and 55 seconds more than anyone ever needed

Honestly, I don’t remember a time BEFORE this montage. My life is now this montage. We are living a lie, and the lie is this montage.

Then we move on to Timm, who is having a meltdown in his demountable. He keeps twitching and staring outside like some sort of One Hour Photo-vibe stalker.

what’s your favourite scary movie

It turns out he’s all twitchy because he feels he needs to vamoose out of Paradise – he reckons it’s turning him into someone he’s not, and he’s already met Brittany so why stay? That’s the thing, though – he wants Britt to go with him and he isn’t sure if she’ll be keen. Plot twist! She’s keen to leave too so they fuck off with literally no fanfare. No goodbyes, just march off without suitcases or anything. Bye, then.

yeah no worries we’ll all just go fuck ourselves then, not like we got INVESTED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Elsewhere, Jackson and someone (who the fuck is that) are swinging sideways. This is apparently the height of entertainment at this point of Bachie. No wonder this is the last week.

this is where we are at. Sideways swinging makes it to tv.

Someone who isn’t living it up with sideways swinging and other tepid activities is Keira. She is, in fact, like this:

is this not everyones eternal lockdown mood

She’s basically sulking because Alex is drifting away from her. But in true Keira form, instead of just letting him go, she gives it one last shot via a private convo. It does… not go well. It’s basically Keira trying to maintain top dog status while Alex is like:

ok you can be top dog but also can you top dog over there pls

In the end, he ends their thing – which leads to her ending their thing even though he just ended it. She tells us that while they’re done, she’s still gonna gun for a friendship rose. Lol dream on my pal.

I can’t believe we’re getting new people this late in the game, but here we are. Some other random walks in – her name is Mia and she’s friends with Kiki and from Richie’s season. Apparently. I’ve never seen the woman in my life.

whomst

Scot seems super keen to meet her, but everyone else is pretty much loved up at this point. Speaking of, we get a shot of Mary telling Conor that if he gets a date and kisses anyone, she will “cut his dick off”. She mimics this alarming knife-cutting move that scared me, so I’m sure Conor is clutching his balls.

hahahahahahahahahaha wait what

Mia sits down as Kiki gives her the lay of the land. I have NFI what the point of this is since we all know the poor woman is going to be shafted out of Paradise in record time. It is TOO LATE FOR THIS GUYS.

THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU, YOUR BEST CHOICE IS THE BUS STOP RIGHT NOW

Nothing against Mia but what chance in hell has she got of making a connection this late in the game? The odds are stacked against her! Then, Alisha runs in with a date card. It’s for… Matt? What? The Fuck? Matt’s already had a date card, and you can tell everyone is fuming.

why did i bother with the fucking plaits then

It’s not a good date anyway, lol. They choof off to a park to fly a very non-aerodynamic heart kite.

never quite taking off, like all my past relationships

I like Renee and Matt as a couple, I think I was just like ok there are about 40 people here who haven’t even had a date and I’d rather see them rolling around getting grass burn instead of these two since I’ve already seen that, that’s all.

Like…Brittney and Jackson! They also go on a date. Well, make a date for themselves. It involves drinking on the beach and making out – the making out bit comes after Jackson tells Brittney he’s looking for something real, and someone he can have fun with. She asks if he’s choosing her and they kiss.

JUSTICE FOR LITTNEY

It’s very cute but I don’t yet trust Jackson so I’m a bit like DO NOT PUMMEL HER HEART MATE OR I’LL FIND YOU.

you may continue but if you break her heart I rip your balls off

Jackson then goes to give Cass the bad news.

i am so chill and fine about this haha so chill haha fine, i’m fine

She says she doesn’t give a shit but she clearly does – at least when it comes to where her rose is coming from. Elsewhere, Alex has a chat with Keely, who upsettingly shits on Keira. No Keely! Don’t be that girl! She calls Keira high maintenance before doing my most hated thing – clarifying that she, actually, is “laid back”.

Folks, we have ourselves a ~cOoL gIrL~.

Im NoT LiKe OtHeR GiRlS

I won’t start my thesis on this but there is nothing worseeeeee than a woman who uses her laid back attitude as a selling point by shitting on someone “high maintenance”. YUCK. Here’s hoping it wasn’t intended that way and she does nothing of the sort again.

Speaking of Keira, I kind of love her and Alex as mates – but she quickly fucks it by scheming for his rose. She tells a bunch of people (including Keely) that Alex has promised her his rose. When Alex finds out c/o Glenn, he’s like:

am i taking crazy pills

But it’s not just Keely and Keira Alex has gunning for him. Cass has miraculously fallen for Alex after 40 years of ignoring the man! She tells Mary and Conor about her apparently long-term feelings and they’re like:

didn’t you fall in love with a fern stem yesterday

She calls Alex over to divulge these deep rooted, secret feelings.

i have been deeply in love with you since 2 minutes ago

Alex, thank god, isn’t a fucking idiot and is like:

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmnobye

But Cass changes her tack, now saying he should boot the person who “will step all over other girls” to get to him. Uh, do you mean you???

hahaha ok friendship rose tho

She means Keira, but that is literally all Cass has done since the Brittney fiasco. Anyway, I’m super ready for her to get yeeted out of her to be honest.

Scot and Mia take a giant inflatable and make a run for it.

Paddle FASTER THEY’VE SPOTTED US

While everyone else plays some game, next minute Osh walks in looking his standard level of sweaty.

as always, a blazer was a terrible choice and yet here I am, never learning

He tells everyone that the rose ceremony tonight is a doozy. Two girls will be hightailing it outta here. Yikes.

Cue the rose ceremony. It’s mainly shots of Keely, Cass and Keira looking longingly at Alex and his rose. He takes Keira for a chat and she rambles on about choosing someone he likes hanging out with or whatever. Keira is a master manipulator and she’s all but said it herself but this is piss weak levels of scheme from her! It doesn’t seem to be working at all.

She tells us that apparently Alex is “well hung” (lol) and that the girls found out about it which is why they’re all suddenly keen.

lol Keira was actually on fire tonight

Next, Alex chats to Keely. It’s all pretty standard, NORMAL get to know you chat. Refreshing! Keira watches on like:

do not smile at him BITCH

Their chat lasts 2 minutes, and Alex then chats to Cass who seems to just be encouraging him to NOT pick Keira. It’s a bold strategy Cotton, we’ll see if it pays off for her.

pick anyone else but Keira, pick this daiquiri if you like

After this chat fiesta, we head to the ceremony. The usuals pick the usuals, the only thing of note is this smitten Brittney face!!

nothing brings me joy but this

She’s so happy and I’m so happy she’s happy and literally all I have in my life right now is my deep investment in Brittney and Jackson.

Eventually, it’s Alex’s turn. I literally couldn’t pick where this was going but I really thought he’d go for Keely? Instead he picks… KEIRA?

i blow dried my Fiji frizz for THIS?

Unbelievable. I can’t even read the guy – why Keira? Not in a WHY KEIRA way, but based on their entire convo today and last night, what is the point? I’m assuming Alex did it because he was guaranteed a rose at the NEXT ceremony, but still. He seemed to be vibing with Keely? She seemed cool?

Anyway. This means Keely is gone and it also means Cass is outta there. Her awful comments aside, she played the long game and should be commended for somehow making it to the third last day of Bachelor In Paradise episodes without once striking up a romantic relationship. That is some impressive hustle.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.