‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Turns Out Telling Everyone You Want To Fuck A Crew Member Will Get You Booted?

We are back for another week of The Bachelor Australia recaps and by we I mean me (Josie) and my poor sickly colleague Mel, back from her dreadful flu. Finally I don’t have to talk to myself about Bachie anymore, everything is right in the world again.

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Mel was welcomed back with quite the little nugget of an episode here, with Rachael getting herself into some hot water by deciding she’s hot for a crew member. Let’s sink our teeth in.

MEL: I’m back from my tuberculosis! And by that I mean a common flu that I did at one point think may have been tuberculosis but I don’t think you can even get that in Australia. The point is – I’m well, and I am back on the Bachie bullshit. So we started this ep with all the ladies waiting patiently to see who would get the coveted single date. There’s still several gals in the house who have barely seen Matt‘s face, let alone spent 6 hours in his presence. But the date goes to…. ELLY.

JOSIE: Yep, Osher popped out from the small hole in the wall that he’s really made into a lovely home to deliver the date card, and when Abbie announced it was Elly there were some serious filthies going on.

JOSIE: I kinda get it. It’s like how last season Brooke had gone on 165 dates in the first fortnight. They don’t hate Elly, they are just sad and also jealous because some girls haven’t had a single date yet and she has.

MEL: Absolutely, and it’s kind of ridiculous to take someone on multiple dates when the entire purpose of this show is to find your one true love or whatever. Cool, you like Elly a LOT. But maybe you’d like MARY a lot if you spent more than 2.2 seconds speaking to her? These women gave up their jobs to come on this show, and YES probably just so they can get some good Insta spon $$$ out of the 5 minute fame window but technically they did it for you, Matt. Give ’em a chance.

JOSIE: As much as I like Elly, even I was a bit off it, tbh. Then I saw what they had to do on their date — fire twirling. I know it’s a TV show and it’s designed to entertain, but why does every date have to be a giant SPECTACLE or a challenge needing FEATS OF COURAGE? I get that an average dinner and drinks wouldn’t be visually entertaining but I just seriously wonder what next season will bring. Maybe they’ll borrow the set of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and make Bachie go on dates in an actual snake pit?

MEL: Right?? Just get them to do some cute horse riding or go on a romantic rowboat ride! Why do I need to watch two people try to fire dance and almost burn their bits off in the process? As a side note, I did enjoy Matt’s modelling of the hideous leather protective vest. You can definitely see he and Elly have chemistry, they seem to enjoy each other’s company a lot and it’s all very natural.

JOSIE: And even the leather vest caper was quite a bit more banter than we’ve seen between them before, like they’re loosening up around each other and feeling comfortable. I have to admit, when they said they had to “perform” the fire dance I was definitely hoping it was going to be in front of all the judgey Bachelorettes, but they ended up just performing it for no one and then having a big old smooch, a lovely chat and then he gave her a rose. Nice, yet predictable.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, there was a lot of chit-chat about Rachael’s so-called ‘Plan B’, aka a bloke in the crew who she thought was quite the looker.

MEL: Now THIS is the shit I live for – DRAMA. I have to say Rachael’s become quite the mood of late. Remember when she was all “I don’t care for Abbie or Monique, but I do enjoy drama”? Enjoying the blunt honesty. So I actually had no issue with her having a crew member crush because like, I’m sure some of the crew are babes! I did think she maybe should have refrained from telling everyone within a 100 metre radius about it, though. As we’ve learned from dog cunt – these ladies are not your mates.

JOSIE: YES I adored her blunt comment and shit-stirring last week. And absolutely, remember in UnReal how hot the cameraman bloke was? He definitely fucked a contestant if I recall correctly. Anyway yes, totally fine to think someone other than Bachie Matt is hot but yes, ballsy to gasbag about it when everyone’s this competitive and literally here to win Matt over. Side note, how good was her comment saying the crew member was a “SMART goal”? As in Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. Obsessed with that, love a girl with a SMART goal.

MEL: Hahahaha obsessed with it. And I get it too? It’s clear from Matt’s behaviour that he’s barely interested in Rachael. Why not cast your net a bit wider if some babe is hanging in the wings? It’s a weird situation because of the premise of the show, but at the same time fuck it – dating life is not putting all your eggs in one basket! I was Team Rach on this one. So then it’s time for a group date, the most pointless of dates.

JOSIE: I agree, plus it wasn’t like she was actively carrying on a relationship which would have been pretty shady. She was just checking out some dude and joking around. She literally called him “Plan B”, which implies he wasn’t the main reason for her being there. SIGH.

Group-date wise, I really enjoyed the subtle symbolism of getting the ladies to write their biggest relationship fears on pieces of literal baggage. Some inspired Cosmo magazine circa 2008 stuff right there. It was quite emotional for Kristen, who did get kinda choked up talking about her self-doubt issues. Bless her.

MEL: You know how I feel about Kristen — the front runner in my heart. I think she’s a great match for Matt, and I think she’s pretty genuine and wasn’t turning on the waterworks for attention. It was extremely jarring to go from Kristen softly crying over her self-doubt issues from childhood to “AAAAND NOW WE JUMP OUT OF A PLAAAAAANE!” I do think the producers could maybe have segued that a little slower, but whatever – we’re jumping out of a plaaaaaane!

JOSIE: Which also happens to be Kristen’s biggest fear! Poor thing really went through the ringer on this so-called “date”. Honestly, when they were up in that Toyota Tarago of a plane I was getting involuntary butt clenches. Skydiving is an absolute nightmare scenario of a date. They were all shitting themselves, including Matt but mostly poor Kristen who was actually screaming as if she was being chased by a murderer. The entire time they were up in the air.

MEL: Here’s a thing – why does anyone need to “confront” their fear of anything? Unless it’s like, crowds or elevators. Things you have to deal with daily and probably should work on. But fear of skydiving? Not a fear I feel the need to overcome thank YOU very much. Especially not alongside a guy I’m kind of into but don’t know well yet, wow no.

JOSIE: Hard agree. It reminds me of how my boyfriend tried to make me face my insect fear by bringing me the large, dog-sized huntsman spider he’d just caught in a Tupperware container, and I legit jumped up and ran screaming from the apartment and down two flights of stairs. He never tried that again.

MEL: The fact those words came from Abbie’s mouth was hilarious to me, it must have been planned or edited that way. Also since when are Sogand and Abbie pally enough to sit within 50 metres of one another? They were having that little goss sesh and looking like dog cunt never happened.

JOSIE: It was very suss indeed. But then it turned out to be Mary who did the blabbing. Abbie would have been so proud! That line “I don’t want to be a gossip or a snitch…” was ripped straight from Abbie’s Handbook Of Being A Gossipy Snitch. Wonderful stuff. But Matt was NOT impressed, which was weird because as you pointed out earlier it’s not like he’s shown any interest in Rachael at all.

MEL: I did not understand Matt’s quiet tantrum over this. I think he has looked at Rachael once in his life. He may actually have needed reminding as to who Rachael even is. And now he’s emotionally wounded because this woman likes a crew member? I call bullshit.

JOSIE: The man tried to hit on her mate when she rocked up on the very first night! I hate his overreaction so much. And Rachael told him it was a joke, but he was back on his “you’re lying and I don’t like it” crusade.

MEL: Why is Matt Agnew the Lie Police? He is so obsessed with lying and honesty, I have never heard so much conversation around lying in my life. His whole reasoning for being mad was stupid – just admit your ego was butthurt like we all know it was, dude.