Can we all agree that the second episode of any Bachelor Australia season is far better than the first? Agreed? Agreed. Things got way spicier tonight on Bachie, with disappearing contestants and drama over people being Persian. Weird flex.
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Basically, 8 new ladies joined the gang – starting strange rivalries considering the “old girls” had been in the house for 0.002 minutes. Sogand gets a date but doesn’t like that there’s another Persian woman in the house (??) and Vakoo literally vanishes into mid-air.
There’s more, but that’s what this recap is for right? Join me (Mel, Senior Style & Features Editor) & Josie, Head of Editorial as we deep dive.
MEL: We’re back! So can I just say, I really enjoy when all the ladies peel off those uncomfortable dresses and show up in their casual wear. I’m always like “who the fuck is that” and “who the shit is she” and “that person has broken into the complex, someone alert security”.
JOSIE: I swear you screeched “Who is THAT” four times and each time, it was Abbie. So of course the episode kicked off with some light reminiscing about the rose ceremony the night before and some speculating over a potential single date, but Osher soon appeared from where he lives in the wall of the mansion brandishing that single date card for Sogand. No one was more pissed than Kristen the China Fan, who thought that the references to another language meant she was a Shanghai shoo-in. Sorry doll!
MEL: I need to know where exactly Osher lives during filming. Does he have a sad single bed under the stairs, like Harry Potter? Does he have a luxury guest house filled with bowls of candy that fuel his permanent energy overdrive? Maybe he really does live within the walls and he’s like the Mind Flayer from Stranger Things, folding down into bits of guts and just wedging right in there.
JOSIE: It’s definitely the Harry Potter one, reading a little book by torchlight in his sad single bed. So I was quite happy for Sogand to get the date, her and Matt had a nice connection and dare I say it, she’s very age-appropriate for him? Some of these girls are SO YOUNG.
MEL: I forgot how young some of them were! It’s so dependent on where you’re at in life obviously, but I just can’t see many 23 year old women wanting to settle down with a srs astrophysicist, you know? Maybe I’m being a judgey bitch but I just feel like me at 23 was like “yoooo where’s the cheapest bottles of prosecco it’s Wednesday I wanna get fucked up!!!”
But also can we talk about their date bc, I don’t think I saw enough advertising for Adrenaline.com.au.
JOSIE: Mel, let me tell you about Adrenaline.com.au. We have helicopters! Touchdown helicopters! And you can find them right here on Adrenaline.com.au.
MEL: Weren’t sure where to find us? That’s adrenaline.com.au, here we’ll do a looooong focus on the name so you definitely get it! It’s also behind Matt’s head here! And here, on the side again!
JOSIE: And in case you can’t remember what kind of helicopter you want, that’s written in extra big capital letters: TOUCHDOWN.
MEL: Also – who is going to be watching this going “you know what, now I really want to hire a private helicopter”. To be fair, they probs needed the helicopter to be sponno bc that date was PRICEY. Random forest formal wear? A full orchestra who absolutely did not want to be there? Champers? Goddamn.
JOSIE: It was a LOT. Thought to be fair it seemed quite sketchy at the start as they flew through the gloomy skies to a patch of bushland and Matt led her through the trees into the darkness.
MEL: Yes that was all very Ivan Milat areas, I was a bit like Matt, you’re making it weird, don’t say in a deep voice “all will be revealed” to Sogand when she asks what’s going on. Never sounds normal, always sounds murdery. Also the orchestra was playing the most depresso music I’ve ever heard. Sorry we do not want Debussy No. 5 you guys, give us some basic bitch shit. Give us like, Popcorn, for example.
JOSIE: I know, it was real depresso. Sogand looked excited for 0.2 seconds and then they launched into that dreary tune. You could tell she was internally hoping for, like, a Jason Derulo banger. So then they started chatting and it was kinda boring and we zoned out but then BAM! she fucken kissed him!
MEL: I was so into this! I feel like the women are always waiting for the Bach to kiss them, and I get it – like, you don’t wanna be rejected on TV and also it’s v. clear that he’s gotta date 28 women and may not wanna up his chances of catching glandular fever so much, but I think she saw the vibes and took the initiative. Big energy.
JOSIE: It was incredible, I was here for it. She went back to the mansion and was prettyyyy smug about it though. Let’s take a moment to appreciate Mary’s face.
MEL: Her hyper-enthused reactions give me anxiety. She’s clearly been stealing Osher’s secret lollies. Which I have just realised sounds like I’m referring to drugs. Some of these people definitely seem to be on something though, even if it’s an overload of caffeine.
JOSIE: True story when I went to the Bachie mansion on a set visit for the Sam Wood season, Osher was HUGELY into the lollies. (And I actually am talking about lollies.) Another moment of appreciation, this time for Emma’s face when hearing about the kissing.
MEL: Omg yes, Emma during the entirety of Sogand’s smunty bragging was epic. She was basically saying to camera “how dare she kiss my husband, what does she think this is, a competition?” Also can we just acknowledge a highlight for Sogand was that she got to keep the forest formal gown, and it’s like ok cool but where the shit are you going to wear that again? It’s like, glad I have this completely unwearable ball gown for all those… royal events I attend every year.
JOSIE: I’ve got this vibe that she’d just wear it around the house on a Saturday night in while downing a bottle of Pinot Grigio, a box of Jatz and several episodes of Selling Houses Australia. Okay so the next morning it was group date time, and for some reason that meant – BACHIE IN GLASSES.
JOSIE: It was yet another Fun Sports Challenge Date, which of course we had 6,000 of during Honey Badger’s season. But thankfully they cut the coverage of it because back at the mansion, a Hummer full of randos showed up.
MEL: I deffo think they were trying to emphasise that Matt DOES need glasses and they absolutely 100% did not just put him in glasses to make him appear sciency. Sure, Jan. And yes, I did not care about the date and it seemed the producers didn’t either? Because that Kelly chick or whatever the shit her name was got a rose, but we were never told why. All anyone cared about were these new women, who rolled out of the disgusting group hummer like the D-listers they (probs) are.
JOSIE: Kelsie? Chelsie? Cheesy? He just threw a rose at her and that was it. Very confusing. Meanwhile these Hummer People were like “Ohohoho we’re the New Girls and we’re here to show the Old Girls a thing or two HahaHAhahAA” and it’s like calm the fuck down, the “Old” girls have been here for like 24 hours max.
MEL: It was absolutely Cheesy. A hundred percent, her name is Cheesy. Yeah what the fuck was with the old girls/new girls bullshit? These women have been in the mansion for maximum 24-48 hours, I think we can all agree it’s an even playing field, you guys.
JOSIE: Osher told the girls on the group date the news and they did not take it well. There was a lot of “Not my husband!” and worrying about the competition, which as you pointed out was stupid because there’s already like 15-18 people to be worried about so what’s 8 more?
MEL: So then we head into a rose ceremony, where all the new ladies do the meet-cute with Matt while the producers force the “old girls” to watch from afar. Great shit from the producers. Meanwhile you and I lost our brains for 5 minutes and really went Sunny In Philadelphia Pepe Silvia trying to work out who has and hasn’t had lip fillers.
JOSIE: We won’t name names in here, but ladies we are ONTO YOU. So there was yet another parade of girls, the first being some chick with a ukulele who all the other girls lost their actual minds over. Meanwhile I’m like… if you have a ukulele and you’re not playing Vance Joy’s “Riptide” then play nothing thanks.
MEL: Ukelele’s should not be produced unless ‘Riptide’ is going to be played, or that cute version of ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’. That is IT. I swear to god, any other song… Anyway the rest were uneventful until The Other Persian arrived. We aren’t being racist, because Sogand literally whisper-screamed “OH MY GOD SHE’S PERSIAN” and then lost her goddamned mind over the fact another woman of her background had appeared in the mansion. Apparently this meant to Sogand that she would be ousted because there couldn’t possibly be TWO Persian women this season?
JOSIE: You know what was the biggest vibe, was when she shouted ‘Get out!’ in Persian when Danush was done meeting Matt. But the best thing about it was that later, Danush was entirely unconcerned that she was the Second Persian. Like Sogand dragged her away and started saying intimidating things in Persian and Danush was just like ‘Get away from me’.
MEL: Omg, when Sogand ripped Danush from her nice, comfortable chat to corner her on a couch to interrogate her, I wanted to die in my soul. Danush genuinely – not editing, entirely genuinely – looked like she wanted to be anywhere but sitting next to a maniacal woman who was grilling her about the Persian language.
JOSIE: Meanwhile, over in More Unhinged Than Sogand Land, Emma was having a fucken meltdown to Abbie over the “new girls”, acting like they had personally attacked HER by coming into the house? As if it was their own choice to do that? Honey child it’s a TV show, there’s this little thing called producers that decide this shit.
MEL: She was like a borked robot “Not being a bitch, like I don’t wanna be a bitch, I’m not a BITCH” she said “bitch” four times. Actually four times, though. In one sentence. Is she a robot? Maybe they just made her for this show as a fun, zesty addition.
JOSIE: Whatever she is, I enjoy her (for now). So then it was Rose Ceremony time, which we knew because Osher suddenly appeared from within the wall looking like a human blueberry.
MEL: They needed an eyecare warning for that suit, I had to squint. Have to say though, Osher makes everything look good. He could walk in wearing a lycra unitard and I’d be like “this just in: unitards are fashion”. So Osh tells us all that there’s 17 roses, and 28 women, and 2 have roses… we were not following.
JOSIE: Literally while we were sitting there doing mental maths and looking like human re-enactments of the Maths Lady GIF, Osher actually SAID HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE GOING HOME but we were so loudly doing terrible maths that we missed it and had to rewind. HAHAHA.
MEL: We spent a strong 3 1/2 minutes trying to work out the mathematics and Osh like, saw through the TV and goes “Oi you dumb bitches, it’s 6.” So it was all blah blah boring boring – Matt picked a LOT of the “new girls”, but mainly you and I were deeply concerned about Vakoo. Where was she? She hadn’t been seen since the group date? I was actually getting very anxious, Josie.
JOSIE: I was surprised that he gave his first rose to Female Vance Joy. I think the “old girls” were too. And the girl with all the tatts, I did not picture her as Matt’s type. But maybe he’s spicing things up, going through a metal phase for his quarter life crisis. Anyway, as he’s rattling off these names that’s when it dawned on us: VAKOO WAS MISSING. And it was quite easy to notice, really, as she was quite the amusing comic relief in episode one. But suddenly: GONE.
MEL: I was NOT COPING. Did she fall down a booby trap? Did Emma murder her and hide the body? Was she quietly impaled by a soft-ended arrow during the group date? We rewound and rewound – no fucking Vakoo! Particularly upsetting because she was such a mood in episode 1. Like I wouldn’t give a shit if one of the nons disappeared, you know? But NOT VAKOO. Do not remove my Vakoo without telling me where she’s fucking gone, ok.
JOSIE: We were literally counting girls (yep, Maths Lady returned) and couldn’t see her anywhere. it was very upsetting. So of course I emailed the good people at Channel Ten DEMANDING ANSWERS (actually just politely asking where Vakoo was). And they explained that the poor thing was struck down by conjunctivitis! Turns out she is safe, Matt wanted her to stay — of course he did, she’s the greatest — so gave her a rose off-camera. Mystery solved.
MEL: Thank GOD. Vakoo lives to see another day. Phew.
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