Anna Heinrich Wins Lifelong Love On ‘The Bachelor’, Doth Protest Rumours Too Much

A terrifying ventriloquist dummy modelled in the likeness of Kate Miller-Heidke, brought to life by some black magic and taught to practice criminal law, Anna Heinrich, was handed a flower by a thirsty chiropractor named Tim on national television last night under the watchful eyes of 1.22 million Australians who couldn’t find the remote, thus concluding the first season of The Bachelor Australia.

In addition to the common garden varietal rose, Bachelor Tim also gifted unto Anna “a promise ring”; which exact pledge that ring symbolises is at the time of writing unclear amid reports that Timothy is either still single and ready to mingle or back with his ex-girlfriend. In an attempt to quell said rumours, Anna posted a screenshot emblazoned with the Bachelor logo on Instagram, very authentic, and submitted to the kind of pithy anecdotal evidence that she should know would never hold up in a court of law, saying that she and Tim are “100 per cent still together. We’ve been having secret rendezvous which is like a must, and we’ve been speaking to each other every single day, texting all the time.” 

“We haven’t discussed moving in together yet but I’ll definitely be bringing my toothbrush around to his place,” continues Anna.

“We will definitely be together for a very long time.”