If I had to be buried with one CD (bury a Discman too, otherwise it’s useless), it’d be The Little Mermaid soundtrack.
You may be curious as to why I’ve decided that my departure from this world requires an out-of-date Walkman and a dusty old CD, but it’s simple: the nostalgia factor.
I mean sure, afterlife me could stream The Little Mermaid on repeat, but that’s not the way I want to go about it. I need the slight skips in songs. I need the frantic wiping of the CD in order for it to work properly. I need inconvenience at the highest level.
More specifically though, I need just one song from that soundtrack and I’ll be set for (after)life: Kiss The Girl.
We all know it. We all love it. We all used to listen to the bootleg remix of it while imagining ourselves with our main crush, à la Prince Eric and Ariel.
But what exactly makes it stand out from the rest? Good question, no one. Let me break it down for you.
That intense hit of nostalgia
As previously stated, the nostalgia factor of Kiss The Girl is next level.
As soon as the vocals of Sebastian (Samuel E. Wright) kick in, I’m immediately transported back to my old bedroom, where I’d built a makeshift boat, sitting opposite the soft toy that was most reminiscent of my crush, pretending that I was being serenaded by a crab.
Yeah look, I was a slightly left-of-centre kid, but I’m sure there’s someone out there who did the same thing.
Please. Anyone? I need this.
Samuel E. Wright’s soothing voice
I don’t know the science behind it, but I have a very strong emotional reaction to Samuel E. Wright’s voice. It’s just…I dunno, in another world I just feel like we’d be a cute couple, y’know?
Just to be completely transparent, I do not want to date a crab – just the crab’s voice. That’s far less weird.
But who can deny that E. Wright crooning, “Boy you better do it soon, no time would be beetterrr” is by far the most invigorating line in any song that’s ever existed?
In a nutshell, Sebastian’s singing voice is perfection.
The sheer number of remixes it spawned
Sure, the OG bootleg remix I mentioned will forever be my #1 (next to the official song), but there are hundreds, nay, thousands of remixes out there which are sure to satisfy each and every one of you.
And let me be very clear about this: people do not just remix any old song. They only remix songs that they think are worthy of their time.
So, if Kiss The Girl has the stamp of approval from DJs, what else really matters?
Ashley Tisdale herself froths it
I like whatever Ashley Tisdale likes.
Unnecessary belts around the waist? Sure, why not? I can buy a belt, I earn money now.
Disney crossovers that don’t really make much sense? If I was a Disney star too I would certainly do that.
Getting married to the love of your life? Well sure, in a perfect world I would be happy to do that, but not all of us are Ashley Tisdale so how about we just lay off the scrutiny – I’m a catch.
This took an interesting turn, I’m just going to move right along.
It just makes you feel ~so~ ~good~
A song can be technically perfect but it just doesn’t hit you in the face as you expect it to.
Not only is Kiss The Girl technically a masterpiece (keep in mind I’m neither a music professional nor do I have two working ears), it gets you right in your gut.
No song has won me over in the same way Kiss The Girl did, and I’m more than content with that. Why search for another tune when my songmate has been with me this entire time?
The entire song and scene as a whole
If you told me there was an alternate universe that hadn’t been gifted with Kiss The Girl, I would weep harder than I did when Mum threw out my jar of avocado pips.
From the very beginning, when Sebastian requests turtles, ducks, grasshoppers and reeds to act as his percussion, strings and winds, you know it in your heart this is an experience like no other.
I get genuine butterflies when he sings, “She don’t got a lot to say, but there’s something about her”, and I just can’t explain why. Perhaps we’ve all felt the same way about someone we like? The entire song is essentially the background music to every interaction anyone’s ever had with their ride-or-die.
If you’re in a time crunch, do yourself a favour and at least watch from 1:56 – AKA the climax of the song. Everyone’s involved and the suspense will kill you every damn time.
Take my word very seriously: Kiss The Girl will be my funeral song. If I hear anything other than the perfect ’80s banger then you can expect some serious grave-rolling.