Here’s something I love to do – throw myself under the proverbial bus for the sake of a story. Maybe it’s because I love attention, maybe it’s because I’m a masochist. We will never know, because I refuse to ask my psychologist.

Anyway! After the runaway success (read: sheer humiliation) of me asking all the guys who ghosted me why they didn’t love me deeply in their souls, I decided the next spirit-crushing experience I could tackle was people I’ve had crushes on.

FIRSTLY some ground rules. I have not gone near people who seem to have families or partners, because it’s frankly creepy. I will tell you about them however. SECONDLY, let it be known all of these crushes are now old news. THIRDLY, I left out a *few* people that I still kind of have crushes on because I still see them around the traps, and also hi I might be a straight-up menace but I’m not completely immune to deep humiliation, okay?

JONATHAN

Jonathan was my first-ever-ever-ever crush. I was like, 10. It was primary school. He had a Jonathan Taylor Thomas undercut. How could I resist, you know? I was left devastated when he told friends he had a crush on Jennifer Aniston.

Anyway, Jonathan is now this hugely successful political journalist who lives in Washington (!!!) and covers The White House (!!!) which is hilarious to me, because I am ALSO a journalist? But I write about which emoji heart means what and why baker boy hats are the worst. Anyway here’s what he had to say.

“I had no idea. Was this at Vaucluse Public or Woollahra? I think we went to both together, right? I remember you and can still picture your face but was oblivious to any romantic feelings, I have only vague friendly memories of you but nothing specific. I had a heavy crush on a girl called Carmen, lol.”

PATRICK

Patrick was my second ever crush, I was in year 6, and I was sooooooo in love with him. I remember telling a friend at a sleepover that I had a dream we were on a pirate ship, and he was the captain and I was a… maid. You know, super normal level of obsession there. Also heaps feminist, baby Mel. Anyway it all died in the butt when he asked his mate to ask my mate to ask me (lol) to the Year 6 formal, and I said no bc I was a late bloomer and T E R R I F I E D of actually going out with the boy, OK? And then he asked my friend Tess. Heartbreak City, population tiny Mel.

Patrick is like THE hardest person to track down on social media, it is literally impossible so he’s either dead (I hope not) or one of those weird off-the-grid people, which is extremely attractive to me, the person who wants to start a commune.

SOME GUY FROM LITTLE ATHLETICS

I did Little Athletics from the ages of 8-14, and around the 13-year-old mark I developed a crush on some guy down there. I can’t for the life of me remember his name. I want to say Nick? But it might have been Charlie? Clearly I have NFI. I used to watch him throw the javelin (I can’t believe they let us throw giant spears around as pubescent idiots) and dream of those sinewy arms wrapping around my body. FULLY CLOTHED OBVIOUSLY, guys.

Anyway I can’t even remember his name (Alex? Adam?) so he’s cancelled.

ALLAN
Okay so I got really into church, like Justin Bieber born-again vibes, when I was 14 and didn’t leave until I was 24. Right in the middle, like at 18, I developed a huuuuge crush on this guy Allan. He was in the worship band with me so I feel like 90% of it was this fantasy dream of becoming a music supercouple. Anyway I actually TOLD this guy at the time, but it never went anywhere and the crush soon passed bc I ended up meeting another dude who went on to be my first boyfriend, and Allan ended up marrying one of my best mates, April (I was a bridesmaid at their wedding) which I think tells you how extremely brotherly the feelings are between us now. They have 5 kids and are moving up to Byron to be one of those perfect hippie coastal families. Bc they’re my mates I hit them up for this story, because it seemed… less creepy.

I was 20 and I was stoked that a girl liked me. I thought Mel was an awesome girl, beautiful and funny with an amazing voice, easily the most powerful and passionate singer I have seen. Everybody loved Mel and she was the extrovert everyone loved having around. 

ALEX THE UNI GUY

When I was in Uni, I had a long-term boyfriend. But right towards the end I met this guy in a tutorial and I feel like there was a VIBE. I had a huuuuge crush on him, but obviously did nothing about it bc of said boyfriend.

Anyway, I somehow remembered his WHOLE NAME bc that is the kind of creep I am… but I looked him up on Facebook and he has a wife and 2 babies now. I feel like cold-messaging a dude who doesn’t even remember me to tell him I had a crush on him once when he’s got this cute family is fucked up. SORRY GUYS.

JAY FROM BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO

By 24 I was firmly out of church-life and working at Blockbuster Video, before streaming services hit and people actually hired DVDs. Lol. Anyway, I got all obsessed with this guy Jay who worked there, probably bc he had long hair and was all ~coooool~ and shit. Eventually I was “let go” from the video shop (lol) and never saw the dude again, but we are weirdly Facebook friends still, so I hit him up. At first he said “I can’t reply right now as I am working”, which my Dep Ed Henno roasted me supremely over, saying “he’s basically telling you he has a real job and cannot indulge this buffoonery”. But the ultimate response was fine.

This sounds horrible but I honesty can’t remember how I felt back then. In my defence it was a long time ago and I have a shocking memory. But I think it’s great. Why wouldn’t I? I also think you should have told me. I was a very dumb and insecure 22 year old. Who knows…  I’m now a dumb and confident 31 year old. Married. No kids. Love my job. Living gratefully.

WILLEM

Right before I started my journo career I worked at T-Bar, which is now part of Cotton On but back then was this like, artistic hub thing where emerging artists designed tees or something. Whatever. Anyway, I ended up with a HUGE crush on my manager, and I did actually tell him but since we’re covering off people I crushed on but never actually dated, it felt right to include him.

I actually spoke to Willem for my other piece on guys who ditched me. He lives in Amsterdam now with his girlfriend, and they look super loved-up and grossly into each other. So I’ll just include what he said back for the other article.

I didn’t want anything serious back then.. the world revolved around me and couldn’t revolve around anyone else back then. I liked hanging out with you, it was nice when you told me you liked me before you went on holidays, got me thinking. But I think I was scared to hurt your feelings.

CONNOR

I’ve been friends with Connor for YEEEEARS and I had a low-level crush on him in some capacity for ages. You know the kind where you’re like hmmmm something *could* happen here but probs not? And it just hovers in the background? That kind.

Anyway this was by far the most fucked-up message to send since we are actually mates, but also BECAUSE we are mates it wasn’t that weird? Like bygones, right?

“OK. Well I was surprised by this news, but pleasantly so. I guess I felt something similar – a probably-not-but-what-if. Being super fine is great, but a mutual love of dogs, memes, and dog memes can really help keep someone you haven’t seen IRL for a long time in the back of your rat-brain.”

There you go, mates. Hope you enjoyed my humiliation bc I probably just ruined my entire life forever, haha!

Image: Scott Pilgrim