Slobbing the knob, slurping the gherkin, smoking the johnson.

There might be a million and one ways to describe the humble beej, but there’s only ever one result.

One big, wet, panting one.

papi knows wat i mean

Like surprise presents, pets and pizza, blowies are inherently good. They’re hard to screw up. Penises are usually just really stoked to be revived with some mouth-to-spout.

But again, like surprise presents, pets and pizza, some are just better than others.

A frozen pizza, while delicious and satisfying on a hungover Sunday, is no match for a freshly-baked marg from 400 Gradi. You’d rather cuddle up to a Labrador puppy than a hermit crab. You’d be stoked if your rents gave you a Mazda, but if they bought you a Maserati? Fucketh me up.

If you’re interested in taking the act of fellatio and making it an art, a new Aussie book may prick your ears.

Freshly conceived publishing house Lost The Plot has released a compendium of advice spoofed out by an “international panel of gay men”, and it’s aptly titled Just the Tip: Sex Tips for Chicks by Gay Dudes.

The book is thicc with saucy smang advice ranging from perineum-heavy petting to the most innocent art of the kiss. Sex advice for straight women, from people who have penises who like pleasing penises? Genius.

We’ve trawled through the little pink book of sexrets and fished out 6 of the best tips for playing the skin flute like a pro.

1. Use your hand and your mouth.

This is basic blow job 101, but an important one to revisit.

While it is really nice to have a mouth focus on the whole penis, it is unrealistic to expect someone to sustain that for the duration of an entire blow job.

Use your hand and mouth in partnership, with your hand focussing on the shaft and your mouth on the head of the penis.

2. Your hand and mouth should ‘kiss’ in the middle of the penis shaft.

Many make the mistake that when their hand goes up the shaft of the penis towards the penis head, that their mouth should also move upwards off the penis.

However, most men reported that it feels better if the mouth and hand work in opposite motions, so that they continually meet in the middle of the shaft.

3. Apply firm pressure above the base of the penis. This will make him cum faster and more intensely.

When the blow job is underway, and you think your partner is getting closer to the point of no return, place your hand above the base of his penis (just underneath their bladder).

Press firmly and rub back and forth like you are massaging that spot.

This will really intensify things and make them blow harder.

4. Speed up before the climax

Your speed will effect how much the man will blow. A harder or faster blow job can result in a more intense orgasm.

5. Non verbal feedback is good

One suggestion, if you are comfortable, is to grab your partner’s hands and place them on your head while you are mid blow job. This will act as a guiding light to help them show you their ideal rhythm/speed.

5. Give him a hummer

It is as simple as it sounds. While you are giving your partner a blow job, hum.

Unless you want a good laugh, it’s probably best to avoid humming an actual song. It is suggested you make a “hmmmmm” noise while your partner’s penis is in your mouth.

The vibrations from this will send tingly vibrations down his shaft.

It was reported that lower pitch humming created slower vibrations while higher pitch humming creates faster one. And if you really want to intensify the feeling, focus on the head of the penis as the vibrations are most intense right at the opening of your mouth.

It isn’t suggested you keep this up for the entire blow job, but certainly add it to your repertoire of licking, sucking and ball play.

And that’s how you suck a dick, folks.

Use all of these, simultaneously? Vesuvius 2.0, baby.

Just the Tip: Sex Tips for Chicks by Gay Dudes is available for purchase from all good booksellers or the Lost the Plot website.

Image: Old School