Bachelor In Paradise is promising to be a breeding ground for dramatic, sexy, love hexagons between mansion leftovers and its very clearly going to be naughty as all hell. I, for one, am ready for the absolute shitfight that’s about to happen in our very living rooms – hook ups, tantrums, the lot.
If you’re a little confused about the show’s format, I – someone who has watched the American iteration several times – can teach you in dot point form below before we get into who will be ~exploring~ one another in paradise.
- The show kicks off with around 14 ex-contestants, with an uneven number of dudes and girls.
- The contestants start to get date cards at random, taking whoever they’re keen on away for some one-on-one time.
- Every second night, a rose ceremony is had. Who hands ’em out? This alternates between the guys and girls, meaning the power is constantly shifting between the men and women.
- The show continuously drops new hot tamales in, testing existing relationships on the island.
Now that you’re up to speed, let’s decide who’s going to crack on. Swap spit. Tongue one another. Consensually.
LISA + LUKE
Luke Mcleod, the only actual doable option from Sophie Monk‘s season, is the one who’s getting Lisa Hyde (Blake‘s season) wet in Paradise. Literally. Makes sense. Pretty much all of Australia would want a piece of this childless daddy, even if his motivational Insta Stories have a way of making me unwell.
They’re the hottest people on the show and possibly Sydney‘s Eastern Suburbs as well, so it would be rude not to.
JARROD + ALI
Jarrod Woodgate will definitely be planting a seed with cutie patootie Ali Oetjen, known for dropping the L bomb early on with Tim Robards. While they’re both cling-central and Channel Ten has been teasing the shit out of this hookup, I don’t see it eventuating. Will they even make out? Hate to say it but I reckon Ali’s gunna chuck a “I wish I liked him, I really do” and then venture off to someone who treats her like shit. Ain’t love grand!
JARROD + SIMONE
Ah, Matty J’s naughtiest girlfriend Simone Ormesher. Don’t remember her? She was the Brit who touched Matty J‘s junk mid-season. I applaud her. Jarrod will drop her – we all know that, right? A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do to end up with sass-queen Kiera Maguire. She just wants someone to love her for her, you guys.
JAKE + FLORENCE (OR TARA, CAN’T TELL)
Florence has spilled that her and Jake hooked up a few times before the show so you’ll definitely be seeing that rekindle in Paradise. Surely he’ll give Tara a crack but that’s a TBC until we see the front of this blonde’s fucking face, uncle fucker. They’d be Gold Coast royalty.
JAKE + MEGAN (OR FLORENCE, CAN’T TELL)
Looks like Megan’s scalp. Can’t be sure.
LAURINA + MICHAEL
I didn’t think paradise would end well for flirty street pie Laurina Fleure. This footage of her and Michael Turnbull (it’s him, right?), though – this could be the real deal. (Also, whatever she is wearing is not at all a wetsuit and I need to find out the truth immediately.)
But wait, didn’t we see a clip of Michael and Lisa Hyde from Blake’s season looking hot for each other? Fuck maybe it’s not Michael above.
Right. I think this sexy, slightly homicidal stare might just be Michael’s ~way of life~. This could be about his undying love for Laurina. I mean, Lisa and Laurina both went through the shitstorm that was Blake Garvey so they’re probably mates. Or maybe Michael wants to do the bad thing with Lisa! Time will tell!
GRANT + LEAH (MAYBE?)
GRANT + ALI
Who’s Grant? Grant Kemp is hot as all fuck and from the American series. Fun fact: on the last Bachelor In Paradise he was on he proposed, so he clearly doesn’t give two shits about people’s feelings. Can’t wait.
DAVEY + LEAH
Can’t deal with this gif. I’m so uncomfortable. Looks planted. Whatever floats your throat.
NINA + DANIEL
Look, this is a reaalllll stab in the dark. I can’t see shit. But it looks like Nina. And I’m definitely a “back” kinda girl, and I think I recognise this back. It looks like Daniel Maguire‘s back. Who dat? Oh, only an actual sex demon from the American series. Stay tuned. He’ll be there. I saw his face in the promo.
NINA + EDEN
Dunno. Can’t remember him either but they look happy so that’s nice.
MEGAN + ELORA
Anyone who’s anyone knows there is – what horny publications (not me, never) like to call – a “steamy lesbian kiss”. Literally saw that headline, don’t shoot the messenger.
GUYS THIS IS ONLY SOME OF THE ACTION.
The promo also shows lil milliseconds of: the rose-eating Russian Sasha and Perth girl Rach from Richie’s season, as well as Jared Haibon who is an actual angel from the American series but always gets cock-blocked by his head-case ex. Let me know if I’ve missed anything would you?
In short? Everyone’s going to get it on.Image: Channel Ten