Following Premier Dan Andrews’ press conference on Friday morning, The Age has published a series of Q&A’s to help Melburnians understand the lockdown limits on exercise. Seriously, this is the *most* Melbourne piece of content I have ever seen.

To put it simply, you can’t leave your suburb unless it’s for work or essential care-giving. If you want to exercise or shop, you must remain within your suburb or risk a hefty fine. Obviously, there are some exceptions if your suburb doesn’t have a grocery store, but you can’t just galavant across the city to visit your favourite shops.

Clearly, we’ve all had a hard time comprehending that, so The Age has decided to answer all of the niche Melbourne questions we’re all ~dying~ to know.

Let’s kick it off with the important topic: booze.

“I live in Fitzroy North, can I go to the bottle shop in South Melbourne because it has better gin?”

“No. You should go to the bottle shop closest to your home.”

It’s unclear what sort of person from North Fitzroy would ever venture south of the Yarra for a bottle of gin, but apparently they do exist.

Or, if you’re more of a fitness guru, can I go for a walk in a more aesthetically pleasing area if I don’t live near one?

“I live in Coburg, but I love exercising around the Botanic Gardens, is this OK?”

“No. You should exercise in the park closest to your home.”

But just when you thought the Q&A couldn’t possibly get any more Melbourne, feast your eyes on this:

“There’s three coffee shops in my suburb, but my favourite is three suburbs away. Can I go there?”

“No, you should go to the closest coffee shop to your home.”

At this point, it’s unclear if these are real questions submitted by Melburnians who are just super desperate for a cold brew, or if The Age has just nailed the vibe here. But either way, at least we now know that you cant hop across three suburbs to get your favourite single origin long black.

So now that we’re all on the same page about suburb hopping for the sake of booze, caffeine or an aesthetically pleasing walk, let’s all try to do the right thing here, shall we? Stay home, wear a mask if you have to leave the house and wash your bloody hands!