This week, we got an email from our friends at UberEats. They predict – having determined data from over 8,000 restaurants – that the food of the year will be none other than the glorious pickle.

People only love or hate pickles. Now, you may hate pickles. You are a monster, but it’s your personal choice to be the worst person on Earth.

But if you love the salty, vinegary delights that are shrunken cucumbers – you’re in good company.

All this thinking about pickles got Courtney Fry, our resident Bites Editor, and myself talking about the joy of a good pickle. And because it’s Friday and 0ur Editor is in a meeting and therefore not here to control us, we decided to just write out our conversation for you.

MEL: So, this entire conversational piece was thought up because UberEats told us that 2018’s number one food prediction is the humble pickle. Which we both love. Like, aggressively love.

COURTNEY: I cannot tell you how much I love a good pickle. I once got our sweet staff writer Ben McLeay to bring me a jar of special pickles from Brisbane. A delicious jar of Picklehead pickles with a terrifying logo of a dude with a pickle for a head on the label. They’re up there with some of the best pickles I’ve ever had.

MEL: What constitutes a special pickle.

COURTNEY: Ok it’s got to be whole, or at least cut into lengths. None of this sliced pickle business unless it’s on a burger.

MEL: Yes actually – what is your favourite pickle? I will only – ONLY – eat “Polski Ogorki” when I’m having pickles as a solo snack. I think this is the traditional dill pickle variety, you know, salty and vinegary with no sweetness. But I just look for those words on jars, really.

COURTNEY:  I love the little cornichons when I’m at a picnic. Like the teeny little ones. But… give me a fuck-off huge chode of a dill pickle with my Bloody Mary and I’ll be stoked.

MEL: HUGE CHODE OF A PICKLE. Why have you put that thought in my head. Hey, do you just stand in the fridge and eat pickles out of the jar sometimes? I do.

COURTNEY: YES.

MEL: It’s quite a psychologically soothing thing to do. Mindfulness, pickle style.

COURTNEY: And olives. But mostly pickles.

MEL: Excuse me Courtney, take your olives out of this conversation.

COURTNEY: Just get a fork and go to town on a big jar of pickles I bought that day at the shops. None of these small jars you get at Coles/Woolies. Nup. Gotta go to those fresh fruit & veg places that sells the suckers in like massive jars you could climb into. Also look at this phenomenally large pickle boy. Imaging goin’ to town on that thicc lad.

MEL: YES. That is a mighty pickle boy. I want to kiss it, is that weird? Actually this is a good moment to share this photo of my sister at a USA State Fair – I think it was Arizona – eating a whole pickle. Because they just sell those babies as a snack. Americans know how to eat.

COURTNEY: OH OH speaking of American snacks, one of my favourites that I can only have sometimes is frickles. Which are deep fried pickles. You get ’em at this Canadian bar in Bondi. They’re so bloody good I get craving for them all the time.

MEL: Love a deep fried pickle. I’m more partial to the pickle slices in that scenario. You can get the full ones at The Norfolk, but you’re talking about Stuffed Beaver, correct? Whatever the case, a fried pickle works.

COURTNEY: Yessss. Let’s go to The Norfolk soon.

MEL: Controversial, but I have no time for sweet and sour pickles. Pickles should always be extremely savoury IMO. Unless you’re having those bread and butter ones with a square of cheese, Kath and Kim style.

COURTNEY: Mmmm, sweet and sour pickles are starting to cross over to the British understanding of a ‘pickle’, which is like a chutney spread. Still tasty, but serves a different purpose. Very good on ploughmans sandwiches.

MEL: What is that called… it’s like pumperpickle… no… but WAIT, that reminds me of picklebacks, which are absolute heaven. And I hate whiskey with the fire of a thousand suns.

COURTNEY: UK pickles are like Picalilly and Branston Pickle and all that. I’ve never had a pickleback though!

MEL: They’re basically a whiskey shot chased with a shot of pickle brine. They will absolutely fuck you up.

COURTNEY: I am so into this idea. One pickle-based beverage I love though is pickle beer. It’s a pickle sour made by a local small brewery here in Sydney, and it’s legit like drinking brine. But alcoholic. And beer.

MEL: I absolutely need to consume one of those.

COURTNEY: I wish there was a pickle shop, like on Uber. And I could just order different pickle variations to my house.

MEL: Yes I wish someone would just sell me large, briny pickles for when I’m hungover. Do you eat everyone elses burger pickles on Maccas runs?

COURTNEY: YES.

MEL: It will never cease to shock me that people can hate pickles to such a level that they’ll pull one tiny sliver off a cheeseburger. What even is your cheeseburger without that pickle? Just flavourless bread and meat. Hey, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve added pickles to.

COURTNEY: I feel like I’ve absolutely eaten pickle with like ice-cream or something.

MEL: Once I ate them with eggs. Like next to my scrambled eggs at breakfast.

COURTNEY: You eat everything with eggs.

MEL: This is not a lie. Anyway to summarise – pickles = good. Any last thoughts you desperately want our readers to know?

COURTNEY: Everyone that hates pickles = get the fuck out of my face. And my 2018 goal is make my own pickles.

MEL: GREAT GOAL. Bring ’em into work. OK I’m ending this convo with a picture of Pickle Rick.

Image: Rick & Morty