There is truly nothing better in life than loving something unashamedly. For some it’s Pokemon Go, or getting all weird about Furbys. For me, it’s leaning into the first proper alcoholic beverage I had when I was [REDACTED] years old – Vodka Cruisers.

Yep, my first tipple as a young lass was a Mudshake. Sugary and milky and definitely a cursed drink, but those sweet little alco-pops have stuck with me for many moons. If you know me, you know that my go-to holiday drink is a four pack of Cruisers. Need proof? Here you go then.

vodka cruiser ranking
The ol’ Fruit Salad.
vodka cruiser ranking
Drop the knee, bend the elbow.

The Vodka Cruisers family tree is wide and extensive. They’re a lot more fruit-based than the straight up boozy sugar water that they used to be (legit wtf is Pom Pom flavour?) so I thought it’s best to rip the scab off a few and rank them in definitive order.

Without further ado, here is my very important investigative journalism into my beloved beverage of choice.

vodka cruiser ranking
Every season is Cruisey season.

PTV’s Definitive Ranking Of Vodka Cruisers Which You Cannot Argue With Thank You

Sugar-Free

Some real bottom of the pile bullshit here. What’s the point of drinking a Cruiser if it’s got no sugar in it? There is none. Next.

Mudshake

The only thing worse than no-sugar Vodka Cruisers is putting milk in it. Reserved only for old chooks who can’t find a bottle of Baileys and those insane teens who think a big bucket of Cowboys twist shots is an acceptable thing to take to a house party.

I’m allowed to make this call because I literally revisited the Muddy boy last night and it was a fucking ride, I tell you what.

Berry Blend

What berries are even in this blend? Gooseberries? Boysenberries? You say it’s bold but you’re not bold enough to tell me what you’re made of. Quit being so vague.

Lemon-Lime

I revisited this flavour this week and wow I forgot how much this one kinda…sucks? It smelt like a sherbet-y fruit tingle and the acidity (?) cut my mouth to pieces. No thank you. Not again. (I have another one in the fridge, help.)

Orange & Passionfruit

Eh look, not the best but also not the worst. A truly meh flavour, but not one that I would reach for if there were options.

vodka cruiser ranking
Before…
vodka cruiser ranking
Annd….after. At 2am.

Strawberry

A flavour that falls victim to the “tastes like what a computer imagines it to be”. Meaning that it’s not really strawberry, but more like strawberry lollies. Which can be good in a pinch and/or desperate times, but not…great.

Watermelon

Same deal as the strawberry, not bad if you have like one (1) bottle but any more and I’m kinda regretting putting myself through it.

Pom Pom

An original flavour, back from before Vodka Cruisers went through the whole rebranding thing. What even is Pom Pom flavour? Who knows! It tasted like…purple. That’s the best way I can explain it and I refuse to look into it any further.

Pineapple

Pretty refreshing, nice for a couple. Feels like you’re in a little tropical holiday, and mix it with the odd Midori Splice and you’ve jettisoned yourself back in time to a beachside house party in the early 00s that the popular kids put on and you snuck into.

Electric Pink

Ahh, a fallen hero. Similar to the old Pom Pom in that it’s no real flavour, and more of an experience. I distinctly remember a couple of friends at uni once arrived to a house party with a slab of the pink babes, and a bottle of top-up vodka. You do the math.

Blueberry

Does this even taste like blueberry? No! Is the vivid blue kinda unnerving as you sip on it? Absolutely! Enough of these bad boys and you end up with a blue tongue like the beloved lizard.

Raspberry

Getting towards king shit here, the Rasperry Cruiser is like the cleanliness in that it’s next to godliness. Delicious and fruity, a real treat for the senses. My go-to if my #1 fave isn’t in stock, and then if that’s not there then I don’t want to know about it.

Guava

I mean, this is obvious. I don’t need to explain it and I refuse to give my reasons. Guava is the best and I will not hear anything against it.

Now if you want to get right into the vibe of where I’m at in isolation, please join me in listening to this extensive playlist.