Fuck, And I Cannot Stress This Enough, Sourdough

Sourdough bread fucking sucks. There, I said it!

It is absolutely the worst of all breads, and I simply will not stand for this overhyped nonsense anymore. Sourdough is bad. Get rid of it. Replace it with bagels, English muffins or even a nice slice of rye. I don’t care, just throw it in the bin.

As a giant carb monster, I spend a truly unhealthy amount of time thinking about bread. I’ve even gone so far as to rank them from bagels (the king of carbs) to sourdough (which doesn’t even deserve a spot in my brunch ‘gram).

I’m pretty picky when it comes to my brunch foods, I mean, I hate avocado, bacon is gross and I’m legitimately scared of tomatoes. But nothing really compares to the sheer hatred I have for the devil’s bread, sourdough.

It has come to a point where I will eat that gross gluten free toast that costs you an extra $3 at your local cafe in attempt to avoid sourdough. I mean it when I say, I fucking hate it.

Usually when I ramble about my unpopular food opinions, I give a list of reasons why it’s so bad. But when it comes to sourdough, there’s only one point that really needs to be made: it hurts.

When I go out for breakfast and I’m enjoying a big ol’ plate of eggs Benedict, I don’t want a side of razor blades to the inside of my mouth. You know what really ruins your brunch? The taste of blood because the way-too-crunchy sourdough bread absolutely obliterated your gums and the roof of your mouth. No thank you.

Everybody loves a bit of crunch with their bread, but that’s why toast exists. Toast is *already* the crunchy bread. We don’t need to add an extra layer of crunch that turns your otherwise-delicious toast into a weapon of mouth destruction.

Why the hell would I put myself through all of that pain for a bread that doesn’t even taste that good? Even if you ignore the fact that the crust is made of razor blades, it’s just a really average bread.

Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that you need a chainsaw to actually cut through it. Who wants that? Nobody! Get out of here with your sourdough nonsense.

Excuse me, let me just bust out my chainsaw to slice you off a piece of the devil’s loaf.

But despite being inarguably the worst of all breads, it’s pretty bloody difficult to avoid sourdough, especially if you’re a brunch-loving zoomer like myself.

Which begs the question, why are we forced to eat this sub-par carb when there are so many better options out there? Has no cafe owner ever heard of a bagel? You get that delicious hint of crunchiness, but also a tasty, chewy flavour. AND it looks like a little savoury doughnut, what’s not to love?

But even if they aren’t going to give us the good shit (bagels), cafes could at least give us an English muffin! A nice piece of Turkish bread, perhaps? Fuck, I’d even settle for a slice of Wonder White at this point.

And don’t even get me started on the whole “baking sourdough in iso” trend that is going around right now. I love cooking, I have basically dedicated my life to being a full-time Martha Stewart wannabe at this point, but the sourdough trend simply must be stopped.

You’re all baking a big ol’ block of mouth pain. Stop it! You’re embarrassing yourself and I can’t bear to look.

If you feel the need to bake something in iso, there are far superior options: cinnamon buns, bagels (the best bread), those cute little dinner rolls, some delicious Turkish bread. The options are endless, so please, I’m begging you, do not make sourdough. Put the starter down, Sharon, I’m looking at you.

Don’t do it.

Do not give in to the peer pressure.

Fuck, and I cannot possibly stress this enough, sourdough.