I have an opinion I’ve been sitting on for a long time and I’ve run out of friends, boyfriends and family to rant to.
Are you ready for it?
Avocado fucking sucks.
Let me clarify something – I’m a basic bitch at heart. I love brunch, Instagram Boomerangs and having a “cheeky wine”, so I should love avocado. And trust me, I tried. I really did. But I don’t. It’s disgusting, it’s overrated and it tastes like creamy grass. The devil’s food.
I would legitimately rather shit on a piece of bread and eat it than have to eat some avocado smash or whatever the fuck the kids are calling it these days.
No. Thank. You. Sir.
Avocado is disgusting and I can’t believe you’re paying $7,000,000 for brunch because they chuck half a fucking avo on top. They don’t even charge any less if you don’t want to subscribe to the goopy green bullshit, so you’re left opting for the boring avo-less option, or paying for a big pile of green shit that’s destined for the bin. Absolute daylight robbery.
It tastes like grass, you only get 37 seconds of ripeness before it goes off, and your local cafe will charge you an arm and a leg for it with your googs.
1. It Tastes Like Grass
Anyone who tries to tell you avocado is tasty is a fucking liar. I know people claim that avocado is tasteless, but it’s actually a step worse. The only thing worse than having no flavour is having the very subtle taste of lawn clippings and what I imagine it’d taste like if you licked a green tree frog.
It tastes like creamy grass. Honestly, I’m convinced it’s one of those plants we’re not actually meant to consume, and that’s why it tastes like a freshly-mowed lawn.
If your taste in food is the colour green, might I suggest some spinach? Maybe a side of spring onion? A celery stick? There are so many other green foods that don’t taste like explosive diarrhoea.
2. It’s Actually Terrible For The Planet
It’s also a huge chore to grow, and uses an obscene amount of water. We’re in the middle of a drought, and y’all are munching on green goop like it’s nothing. According to the Department of Primary Industries and Regional Development in Western Australia, avocados use a whopping 560 000 litres of water per hectare to grow. That works out to about 2,000 litres of water per kilo of avo, compared to about 822 litres for the same amount of apple or 790 litres for a kilo of bananas.
So, sorry millennials, but your avocado loving is ruining your chance of buying a home AND depleting our precious water.
3. It’s Not Even Good With Other Shit In It
And don’t even get me STARTED on guacamole. No. Sorry, ‘avo’, you can’t just chuck some tomato (the other devil food) and onion in there and call it a dip. Get some fucking culture. It’s hummus or it’s nothing.
Most responses to people not liking avocado go something like this:
“You’ve gotta add paprika, lime, salt, pepper and the sweat of your first born child. Then it tastes great!”
Well sorry, Sharon, but if I have to empty the entire contents of my spice cabinet onto a food to make it not taste like grass, it mustn’t be a very tasty food.
Stop being obsessed with foods that require so much effort. If I was going to spend half an hour preparing something, I’d make a fucking meal. If avocado is so great, why do I need to go full Martha Stewart to be able to actually enjoy it? Huh?
4. So Many Other Foods Are Cooler
There are so many foods that deserve to be trendy instead of avocado. Pumpkin is basically the food equivalent of a warm hug from your mum on a cold winter night. Cauliflower is versatile as fuck and has basically no calories. And don’t even get me started on tofu. Let’s make tofu scramble trendy so I can get rid of that horrendous green shit off my brunch plate.
I’m not sure who decided that avocado was the ‘gram-worthy food, but I’m convinced they must be an infant, because nobody who eats solid foods would put avocado on such a pedestal when there are clearly much more deserving fruits and veggies out there.
Avocado is shit. End of story.
Don’t even try to convince me otherwise. I don’t want to hear that I’m eating bad avocados or not preparing it right. I am a hardcore white trash human being and I wanted to like avocado so bad. My Instagram needed it. Imagine the food pics, the Boomerangs. Gosh, won’t somebody please think of the Boomerangs!
Avocado is fucking disgusting and this is a hill I’m willing to die on.Image: Getty Images / Xander Heinl