Last week I turned the internet against me when I dropped the truth bomb that avocado sucks. But if you thought that was controversial, I’d advise you to look away now because I’m about to share another unpopular food opinion that is sure to offend.
Bacon is overrated as fuck.
There, I said it.
It’s greasy, it smells sickening and it just tastes like salty animal carcass. So, can we PLEASE stop it with the over-appreciation of bacon?
In recent years, thanks to the internet, bacon has been hyped up more than moustaches in 2010. You can buy bacon bandaids, bacon soap, bacon lip-balm and for some terrible reason, bacon air-freshener. It simply needs to stop. I have had enough.
Granted, I don’t personally eat meat anymore, but but this isn’t about my vegetarianism. When I I still ate meat I thought bacon was fucking disgusting. If you spent your teen years working the morning shift at a fast food restaurant like I did, the smell of greasy bacon is probably etched into your nasal passage forever. The smell of bacon, even the expensive, good quality kind, makes me feel physically ill.
But it’s not just the smell of this sub-par breakfast food that really sucks, it’s everything.
1. It Smells Like Cheap Fast Food
I feel like I’ve already covered this for the most part, but just to drill it home – bacon smells like shit. I’m a sucker for cheap fast food, hand me a $2 cheeseburger or some onion rings because they taste good. But bacon smells like cheap fast food but doesn’t have the same delicious taste. HARD. PASS.
2. It Has The Texture Of Burnt Leather
Bacon tastes like flavourless beef jerky. It’s crispy, chewy and fatty. I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer my eggs without a side of leather briefcase, please.
Like I said, I don’t eat meat anymore. But I can still appreciate the texture of a well-cooked steak or some fried chicken wings, but bacon has the texture of the old leather jacket that’s been sitting in my dad’s wardrobe for 25 years.
And don’t even get me started on crispy bacon. Get that brittle, crunchy shit away from me. Gross.
3. It’s A Big Ol’ Grease-Fest
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a strict calorie-counter or anything, but I’m not a fan of wasting my fat intake unnecessarily either. It’s similar to the reason I think avocado is a terrible food, I’d rather get my fat source from something tasty, like a fondue pot or a cheesecake. Which brings me to bacon, it’s just a huge grease-fest. No thank you.
You’re basically starting your day with a big artery-clogger and you’re fucking up your plate at the same time. You put bacon on your plate and it’s all downhill from there. Your toast goes soggy from the oil, your sauce goes all oily and gross. It’s all over. You may as well just throw the whole plate out. Ruined. Donezo.
Greasy food is gross, but greasy breakfast food is way worse.
4. It Has To Be Cooked Really Well
Any food that requires a Michelin-star chef to prepare it is not worth my time. I am a busy woman with seven houseplants to look after, I don’t have time to perfect the art of cooking bacon.
If you cook it for too long, it goes crunchy and you feel like you’re going to break a tooth, but if you don’t cook it for long enough, it’s soggy ham. You’ve got a very small window of time to perfect it, and even when it’s good, it’s still not very good. You’re always better off getting the spinach and mushies or the smoked salmon.
5. It’s The Worst Part Of A Breakfast Plate
I love a good breakfast. Eggs? Yes please. Honestly, just drown me in hollandaise. Give me sausages, spinach, smoked salmon or mushroom, literally anything else. But for the love of God, please keep that greasy bacon bullshit off my plate.
Starting your day off with bacon is honestly just disgusting. All of the other breakfast foods give you a bit of nutrition, and if you don’t give a shit about your health, stop pretending to be an adult and just get the Golden Gaytime waffles like I do and shut the fuck up.
If you’re over the age of 11, there is no excuse for having bacon and eggs for breakfast. Grow some tastebuds.
6. Pigs Are Adorable And You’re Satan If You Eat Them
I’m not about to turn this into a “you shouldn’t eat meat” story, but pigs are really smart and cute. Considering they’re really not that tasty, you probably shouldn’t eat them.
According to this random Psychology Today article, pigs have a high level of social, intellectual and emotional intelligence. They can display an extensive range of emotions and have even shown problem-solving abilities.
They’re also just big puppy dogs and eating them for a meat that doesn’t even taste good is rude. Eat meat if you will, I’m not going to stop you. But at least eat meat that tastes good. Stop killing animals for meat that tastes like salty, oily cardboard.
7. It Tastes Like Humans
Congratulations, you’re basically Jeffery Dahmer if you like bacon because it tastes like human flesh. I bet you think it’s gross now, huh?
According to Reddit user throwawayhumanfood, who claims he/she’s eaten human flesh, it tastes “exactly like bacon.”
“Alright I’ll own up, I ate human flesh. First some background: friend of mine had some scarification (kind of like a tattoo but done with a scalpel to carve symbols into the flesh) done and he got to keep the skin. Me, him and a couple of others fried it up and ate it. How did it taste like? It takes like bacon, like exactly like bacon, which is why I don’t eat pork anymore.”
This is very disturbing and yes I am alarmed. But my point stands.
Similarly, and less creepily, researchers at NEC System Technologies designed an “electromechanical sommelier” back in 2006, that was capable of identifying food and beverages like fine wines, cheeses and meats. When a reporter placed his hand in the robot’s mouth, his high-tech palate identified it as bacon, WIRED reports.
Mmm… human bacon.
Bacon isn’t the absolute worst food in the world, but it’s definitely overhyped. Sorry Karen, you can’t just buy a “mmm… bacon” coffee mug and tote bag instead of developing a personality.
We’ve seen it before with the moustache epidemic of the early 2010s, and now we look back at that cringe-fest with some serious regret. I’m telling you, that’s exactly what we’re doing to bacon. This is just another trend for people with no real interests. Go get a hobby! Start crochet! I don’t know! Anything!