PEDESTRIAN.TV has teamed up with Melbourne Night Noodle Markets At Home to bring signature dishes straight to your abode.

Although a certain state is currently going through another certain something that rhymes with schmockdown, that’s not stopping Melbourne’s Night Noodle Markets At Home from getting a tonne of food in our gobs.

Given my new hobby is eating for no reason whatsoever, this news pleases me.

Partnering up with Citi and DoorDash, the Night Noodle Markets At Home look a touch different to previous years and instead of hitting up different stalls in person, they’ll be bringing the same food to your doors. It’s a great time to not wear pants – let it all hang out.

Last night, my lucky housemate (for multiple reasons, living with me is a damn delight) and I got to try a tonne of food from well-known Melbourne joints like Hoy Pinoy, Flying Noodles, Twistto and Kariton Sorbetes, none of which my ignorant ass had eaten before so look Ma, I’ve made it.

The first dish on the carpet — tables are for rich divorcées — were these glorious sticky Filipino Skewers that covered my hands in enough sauce to paint our very bare walls. I briefly considered doing it, as art can cost a bomb in this economy.

The dish I was most sceptical about, the potato Twistto, turned out to be like a glorious spiral of potato cakes far superior to any I’ve scoffed down at my local Fish ‘n’ Chips, which is truly saying something because I would put a ring on a potato cake’s finger and knock it up so fast you’d get whiplash.

Moving down the line, we spied a serving of Lumpia Shanghai — chicken spring rolls absolutely doused in banana ketchup and mayo. If you’re not a banana fan, rest your head and shut your mouth because you can’t even taste the banana, you little big boy banana baby. They were legit though, I’d highly recommend ’em.

What else, what else? Oh christ, the wings. How could I forget the wings? Pak Pak Inasal is slow-smoked wingettes in garlic, lemongrass, ginger and annatto, which were heavenly but I simply hate eating with my hands because I, too, am a little big boy banana baby. I powered through though and just thoroughly washed my hands when I was done and dusted.

Onto the mains, they loaded us up with Flying Noodles higher than the eyes could see, accompanied with some more sticky sauce from heaven that, unfortunately, I spilt on the carpet. Look, I didn’t say eating on the carpet was a flawless plan, did I?

At this point I was already starting to get the meat sweats, but we still had a Lechon Kawali rice bowl as well as a Liempo rice bowl to fling down our throats without hitting the sides, which were the final nail in my stomach’s coffin. In a good way though, if my stomach was going to die this is the way I want it to go out.

I thought I was tapped out at this point, until…

The desserts. A trio of ice cream, Yema-bon (a fancy-pants ice cream sandwich) and a Turon Trifle (a wild combo of banana jam – avert your eyes, little big boy banana babies), custard cream, butterscotch and caramelised spring roll pastries, the three desserts well and truly shook me to my core.

I was officially tapped out.

Minor feedback: I excitedly opened my fortune cookie expecting to be told I was going to marry a recently-separated father of three, only to find this absolute non-fortune.

What in the holy Fortune Feimster is this? While I appreciate the sentiment and it’s the first time someone’s told me they love me soy much in years, it is not a fortune.

Does this mean I simply have no future? What’s going to happen to me? Do I meet the attractive father of three? Way to make me spiral.

Fortune cookie aside, I implore every Melburnian to treat themselves, hop on DoorDash and get your Night Noodle Markets At Home fix tonight. Just make sure to whack your suburb into the app to ensure they deliver to your area.

You have until June 30th, but I’d suggest doing it tonight. If you do miss out, the Night Noodle Markets will be returning (in person, stalls and all) in November, so that’s a nice little treat.

Image: Disney