I’m so starved of men at the moment. The only ones I get to see regularly in these Coronatimes are my roommate and my barista. I can’t go there with either of them for more than obvious reasons.

I really miss men. Don’t get me wrong, men are confirmed trash, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. I miss making out with them. I miss pretending to laugh at their jokes. I miss crying when they like photos that aren’t mine on Instagram. I find myself looking at pictures of their faces on the internet sometimes, just to be reminded their species exist.

Like, River Phoenix

The fucking prototype.

And, Donald Glover.

Dreamy.

Pics of Slowthai‘s face are never far from my Chrome history.

Steamy.

Bernie could get it, in twenty damn years he could still get it.

But as I stared into Dusty‘s tattooed calves, I couldn’t help but finally feel the presence of two men, two men who have been there for me all along.

Two men who have stood beside me through the ups and downs of the pandemic.

Two men who sit on top of my desk every day while I work, who were staring at me in the face with warm smiles that whisper softly “You are not alone”.

The very two men who created the spicy veggie burrito with brown rice that I eat on the daily for the small (sizeable) price of $15.90 plus delivery (still worth it).

The two men with two iconic names: I give you, GUZMAN Y GOMEZ.

It hit me like a tonne of bricks: Guzman Y Gomez are my Iso daddies, and have been all along. They have impacted my life and bowel movements immeasurably, yet I know nothing about them. I’ve drop kicked Dusty at this point, as I’ve decided to redirect my love (and juicy fruit) only to the men who care for me in turn. I carefully folded up the paper bag with the logo and stashed it in my backpack with the intention of having a maz to them later on in the evening.

As I peered into their faces, I could feel myself catching feelings. But for whom- Guzman? Or Gomez? I couldn’t tell. I would need more than their logo to find out who I would fuck first.

The task was simple. I would size Guzman Y Gomez up against each other in a head to head battle. I would research the following topics:

  1. Who is better looking?
  2. Who has better style?
  3. Who has the best jokes?
  4. Who really started the business and who rode the coat tails?
  5. Who is divorced and looking for a hot young thang such as myself?

These are definitely issues that need more delving into, I spent a long time online trying to find any shred of info on them – nothing. I naturally reached out to their corporate team for comment on the above questions, with an emphasis on number five.

Remember when you found out Santa wasn’t real? Was it a similar feeling when you found out GUZMAN Y GOMEZ ARE NOT REAL PEOPLE???

I’m The Situation, Pauly D is my vibrator.

I had fallen for mythical creatures, like little girls did with Aladdin, and grown men do with My Little Ponies. But I decided it wouldn’t stop me from finishing my mission. The good people at GYG offered up the following information amid my panic and disbelief, to calm me down.

Guzman is on the left (no moustache) and Gomez is on the right (our ‘fuller’ and more robust friend!)

Great! Solid info here. My research had legs again, I just had to work off some more questionable factors: 

Round 1: Names

In the battle of who has the best name. I would have to say Guzman. When ordering Guzman Y Gomez food I usually say “I’m ordering Guz-daddy tonight”, it rolls off the tongue well. Gom-daddy or Gomez-daddy does not work as well. I assume this would be the same saying their names during sex. Also If I were to marry Gomez (not that I’m getting ahead of myself at all), I feel like Selena Gomez will be outshining me from the get go. People might ask if we are related, it would annoy me quickly.

Round 1 winner : Guzman

Round 2: Facial Hair

Guzman sports a clean shaven face where as Gomez rocks a mo. I’m not usually a fan of a stand alone moustache, but I couldn’t picture him without it, it suits him so well. Gomez seems to groom his eyebrows better but might have a few nose hairs but I’m willing to overlook these. Gomez also seems to have a fuller head of hair too while we are on the topic. These are the sort of genes I wish to pass onto my offspring. Winner.

Round 2 winner: Gomez

Round 3: Smile

The GYG logo is like the Teletubbies sun, except instead it’s just fraternal twins of Mexican decent who have grown up. This will be tough because they both have nice smiles. I would say Guzman has the more genuine smile here. Gomez is of course smiling too but he also looks like he just remembered he was double parked at the time this photo was taken.

Round 3 winner: Guzman

Round 4: Looks

Now these are the words of the corporate team, not me, but: “Gomez is on the right (our ‘fuller’ and more robust friend!)”. It’s no secret, I’m a fan of a good dad bod, so Gomez has to win this one. It also tells me he’s a good time guy, enjoys a good burrito and tequila like me. I’m never going to be one of those couples who go to the gym together and neither is Gomez. I love his cute little double chin, makes him look jollier to his counterpart.

Round 4 winner: Gomez

Round 5: Personality

I don’t have alot to go off here so I’m going to fill in the blanks. Gomez is seemingly standing infront of Guzman. He is saying “Here I am world, I hope you like your burrito”, while Guzman stands behind. I like an assertive man, he might bring that sort of energy into the bedroom. This sort of stance leads me to believe that Gomez might be the real brains behind the business, making the big daddy decisions, where Guzman might have been the financial backer with the 51% stake. Don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with a bit of coin, Guzman. But I like a man with ambition.

Round 5 winner: Gomez

So, to answer the age old question (a couple days old). In my humble opinion, I would be choosing Gomez for one night in the sack with me. Hola Papi!!! Don’t @ me.

Adios! xxx