Christmas is so so close. You know what else is close? The imminent chk chk boom of questions about why you are still single, live in an expenno cesspit and work a crappy job. It’s never easy when you don’t have your shit together come December 25, and it’s no easier being in a crossfire full of transparent, sympathising looks and nods.
I GET IT I’M A COLOSSAL DISAPPOINTMENT AND NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK ME.
To avoid the utter shite that is family banter yet somehow always ends up revolving around you and your own neanderthal existence, we’ve compiled a list of bullet dodgers. By the time you’ve pulled out all these distracting convo starters, there’ll be no time left to focus on you, and that is a feeling sweeter than mince pies (which are disgusting but will be referred to only because of holiday appropriateness).
1. J-LAW ABIDING CITIZEN
Everyone loves Jennifer Lawrence, unlike the Kardashians who can and will divide an entire table with the mere mention of their surname. Plus, her clumsiness will prove to your fam that you can be a mess and still be 100% loveable, and like, successful AF.
A few things to remember when creating meaningless chit chat about her include, but are not limited to, the fact that 2017 saw J-Law in her most cooked role yet in Mother.
By discussing this, you can also discuss great flicks you saw in 2017. Get Out is one that will definitely move the conversation away from “So, are you seeing anyone?”
2. YOUR DAILY BAILEY
This is among the most mundane subject you can talk about, but a strong go-to when scrambling. Knowing Australia and our fascination with the sun, supermoons, pink skies and the high possibility that Christmas will be the hottest / coldest / rainiest day in X amount of years (shock fucking horror), the convo should go on for a sufficient amount of time.
3. DUMB, DUMB TV
We know you’d rather talk about the latest Netflix / Stan OG which has far more substance than say, ‘The Bachelor‘, but unfortunately the latter’s what everyone on your table would’ve watched. Even if you’ve never watched it you can just mention that exact fact and witness them all have a bloody field day over it.
“ZOMG NEVER?! I looooovvveee that show.” Yes, Aunty Sharon, we’re well aware that you’ve been in a loveless marriage for years now and live vicariously through Osher Gunsberg‘s matchmaking skills.
Plus, if you’re a fan of Stan’s UnREAL (eg. everyone) you’ll get a chance to tailgate that onto the back on the conversation. As if you don’t want every chance available to talk about that absolute doozy. Again, take a real hold on the conversation so you can shut down any mention of your own, non-existent love life.
4. KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
Not like that, you sick fucks. If there’s one thing you all have common ground on that’s your own messed up fam. Talk about Tracy’s skint wedding. Bob’s out-of-wedlock baby. What your cousin Justin is up to now that his outta jail or rehab. Chances are there’s someone in that lot who will make you look like a shiny barbie doll in comparison.
5. THE GRUB
Food is the easiest and most natural thing to bring up considering you’re, you know, eating the stuff. Talk about the art of peeling prawns. Heck, talk about your favourite and least favourite food, because that’s about as scintillating as the next hour’s conversation is going to get anyway.
6. THE YEAR THAT WAS / THE YEAR AHEAD
There’s a lot to be debated about in terms of 2017’s news events. Steer clear of that kind of conversation, however, if you must, bring it out during desert because at least there is an exit strategy.
Alternatively, since you’ve made it this far, go around the table and ask everyone their highlight and lowlight of the year and plough through the never-ending time at the table. Tack onto the back of that what everyone’s new year’s resolutions are. They’re always the fucking same, so at least you can rehearse your reactions accordingly.
Congrats, you made it out the other side and weren’t made to feel like a piece of shit in the process.
It’s a Christmas miracle.
Image: Photo: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation