If one year ago you asked me if I expected to be living in an 80-person hostel in London, with only four toilets and a room that smells like shit and that I may be allergic to — I would’ve said you’re dreaming. Well, I’m not dreaming, and this is the reality I live in right now.
What’s worse is that this isn’t even bad compared to other hostels I’ve stayed in during my recent travels. In Prague, I stayed in a 12-bed dorm which was impossible to sleep in due to the sound of people fucking and farting. In that very same hostel, this poor American guy had to change his pants because he accidentally sat in someone’s squirt.
In Paris, I had to bunk with an 80-year old man who set an alarm for 3am (not sure why) and didn’t even flinch when it blasted through the room at full volume. We also had to share a toilet that didn’t flush properly, so there were always little poo floaties in the bowl.
In Barcelona, I had to share a room with a guy who tried to mansplain Joe Rogan to me and in Amsterdam I got trapped on the top floor of my hostel because the lift stopped working. I had to eat this one girl’s sausage roll for sustenance.
The thing about all these stories is that I wouldn’t change them for the world. Looking back now ~it’s funny~ and at the very least it’s ~character building~. But after experiencing my fair share of horror stories, I was curious to uncover what other people’s cooked hostel stories were.
I decided to put the question to my
millions thousands hundreds of Instagram followers and the answers did not disappoint.
It was at a hostel in Prague and two girls came in really late at night with this random bloke. One of them went into the toilet with him and they started having a little bit of fun together. Then her friend ran across the room and tried to knock quietly on the door, but when there was no response, she slowly got more panicked and was like “Charlotte I’m going to throw up”. Charlotte then opened the door and the friend ran in, threw up everywhere and left. Charlotte just carried on having very silent sex and the guy left. Girlboss, if you ask me.
I stayed in a hostel for a school trip in Melbourne and on the first night the sheets felt a bit odd (like pointy). Anyway, the next night I thought I would readjust the bedding and as I took off the sheet I saw a few big black marks, and when I actually took it off I saw a bunch of dead SPIDERS and not all of them were small, there were several huntsmen. Altogether, my friends and I counted 19 of them just dead under the sheet.
In a hostel in London, an old drunk guy came into the room and started trying to fight himself in the mirror and spitting on the floor. We were the only two people in the room at the time…
I brought a guy back to my hostel room in Venice that I shared with one unlucky stranger. We started having sex and all of a sudden, I noticed that there was blood all over me, the sheets and him. It was like a murder scene. I didn’t know it at the time, but because I had just had an IUD put in, it pierced me from the inside and that’s what caused all the bleeding. I also didn’t realise how much noise we had made because the guy sharing a room with me ended up writing a scathing review about me/the hostel on Trivago.
OMG SO I was in Bolivia a few years ago and I was in a 10 or 12-person dorm, and one night the whole room woke up to this girl screaming. Basically, this other guy in our dorm was so drunk that he climbed down from his top bunk bed and for some reason thought he was in the bathroom, pulled his dick out and started peeing in her bed while she was in there asleep!!!!!!!!! It was so funny and fucked.
Me and my mate were in Mexico and were locked out of our hostel after a late night of drinking. We decided the best way to get in was for one of us to climb onto the neighbouring roof and jump into the hostel courtyard to open it for the other person.
My mate climbs on to the neighbouring roof and then BANG a gunshot goes off. The neighbour had taken a shot at my mate!! My heart skipped a beat and I was convinced he had been shot and killed for trespassing and I would have to break the news to his family.
After some frantic pacing he pops his head down from the roof and says “the cunt shot a gun at me”. I told him to get the fuck down and he stumbled back to street level.
Someone eventually opened the door, and we explained what happened. They then said: “Why didn’t you just ring the doorbell”. Safe to say we felt pretty dumb after that.
I stayed at this crazy party hostel in Prague. One of the most memorable parts was the receptionist blowing coke up my ass and us fucking in the downstairs bathroom of the hostel, after having our first conversation that lasted only 5 minutes. It was about butt plugs. Very memorable!
*I was actually there for this one, but thankfully in another room at the time.
I currently live in a hostel in exchange for free labour and I have to say, it’s actually been a lot of fun. To be fair, I’ve also spent a lot of time sulking and wondering why I’m here. However, the good times definitely outweigh the bad.
A lot of people are quick to hate on the hostel life, but without it I wouldn’t have made as many friends/or had as many fun experiences. More importantly, I wouldn’t have seen a middle-aged American lady take her bra off and get motorboated by the guy who always stares at people during a game of drunk Jenga.
It’s moments like those that I really stop to reflect on how lucky I am to be living in such a chaotic place with such chaotic people. Long live the grotty hostel, I say.