Nintendo Says Mario Is No Longer A Plumber & Everything We Know Is A Lie

Nintendo‘s flagship character Mario has always been a plumber. He’s always been a fucking plumber, dammit. Why is he no longer a plumber, Nintendo? Why have you done this?

According to his newly updated, official Japanese profile, Mario isn’t actually working as a plumber and it’s triggering a crisis inside me. Everything I know is a lie. Here’s what his profile says now:

“All around sporty, whether it’s tennis or baseball, soccer or car racing, he [Mario] does everything cool. As a matter of fact, he also seems to have worked as a plumber a long time ago…”

What the fuck? When did he hand in his resignation? I demand answers. Sure, he had a lot of side hustles. Remember that time he was a sketchy pill dealing doctor and also a pastry chef? But he earn’t the majority of his wages as a plumber, I’m sure of it.

Mario made his first video game appearance in the Donkey Kong arcade game back in 1981, but he was called Jumpman. According to his creator and Nintendo genius, Shigeru Miyamoto, he was originally a carpenter, which made sense given the game was set on a construction site.

In 1983, his brother Luigi was introduced and the pair became plumbers because of all the pipes featured in Mario Bros. From then on, he stayed a plumber and I just can’t accept that he’s anything else. My brain absolutely will not allow it.

If anyone wants me, I’ll be questioning my existence in the corner.

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