Can we all just agree with my statement here – why the fucking fuck are the royals still insisting on holding to the tradition of wearing hats and fascinators to a royal wedding. Why.

Sure, in 1470 I bet it looked fucking great. And also made sense given that everyone was always wandering around in a useless hat all the time, probably to hide some sort of mass infection of hideous head boils from whatever disease was rife back then (there’s plenty to choose from, everyone was diseased in the 1400s).

But it’s 2018. No one wears useless hats anymore and if they do (I’m looking at you, people who insist on ignoring my advice about those awful baker boy hats) they are stupid and bad and should be removed from this planet and placed on some other, inferior planet where they can live out their useless hat fantasies away from sensible, normal folks like myself.

See, people are for the most part very bad at fashion. Especially British people of the upper class – they do not know how to dress. And because of that, we end up with 500 eyesore “hats” accosting our eyeballs on what is otherwise a joyous and delightful occasion.

I was so offended by the bad hats I decided to write an entire story about it, here it is, enjoy.

This is a giant maroon poo and you cannot tell me otherwise.

Did we learn nothing from Carrie in Sex And The City: The Movie. Nothing? About wearing birds on your head? The lesson was don’t do it or your fiance, who sucks by the way and you shouldn’t even be marrying him, will have a zesty panic attack 5 minutes before your wedding and leave you standing on the steps of the library with a large dead peacock on your head.

There were many flying saucers but this one was the most flying saucery of all.

SERENAAAAAAA! We were all rooting for you, how dare you! The saddest thing about this curly wurly chocolate except make it fashion WHATEVER (because its not a hat and it barely passes for a fascinator) is that her general outfit was a 10 and she’s in my best dressed wrap. Le sigh.

I can’t decide if this is the act of a psychopathic genius or a grave fashion error – either way at least 6 people lost their left eye yesterday, RIP them.

No.

The same no bc they are basically the same black flimsy lumps, except extra no points because it’s sliding precariously down her face.

Oh look! Another flying saucer. I also called these the “fried egg hats” last night because from above you are basically looking at a very nicely formed fried egg.

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I don’t even have words here for the large hand made of feathers.

OH WAIT YES I DO – someone set fire to that immediately, then burn the ashes again for safe measure, then put them into one of those safes that has 400 locks like at the start of that ’50s TV show, whatever that was called and one of the Agents was called 99? Anyway THAT show intro, a safe of that level, then throw it covered in rocks into the deep bit of the ocean where those scary see-through demon fish live and hope one of them eats it. Good lord.

That’s a mollusc.

CAMILLA HONEY FOR FUCKS SAAAAKE. That’s a fried egg hat but then you let Princess Charlotte’s kindy class decorate it like this is the fucking Easter Hat Parade. Get. Your. Shit. Together. Camilla.

Fried egg, but make it zesty.

Fried egg, but add one single piece of fettuccini. Also you can’t see.

You can’t see either.

Honestly if you’re going to wear a useless hat at least give me the decency of wearing it ATOP YOUR HEAD, not halfway down your mug. What kind of sun protection is this.

Babe why do you have a flower ON your hat, then a flower UNDERNEATH your hat. There’s actually at least two flowers UNDERNEATH the hat. I am so confused by the craftsmanship here. Was someone on the Scotch when this was designed? Did they accidentally hot glue some flowers under the hat in a drunken fugue, and then go “oh shit let’s just see if she notices”?

I’ve riled myself up now and need to go have a calming chamomile tea, as is the royal way.

Image: Getty Images