A job interview is essentially a friendly game of psychological warfare. You need to get your opponent interviewer to a place, emotionally and psychologically, where they think hiring you is actually an okay idea, which will solve at least some of their problems, and will voluntarily knock their King over.
Unfortunately, convincing people who (hopefully) have more experience in the workforce and at least a few extra years of life on you that they should pay you will require some strategy.
This is probably a lot of the same shit you’ve heard over and over already, but this time it has moving pictures and if this doesn’t get through, with respect, you just straight up deserve to be unemployed.
So, what’s your potential employers problem? They have a job that needs to be done, they want it taken off their hands and for it to be performed well by someone they can stand seeing everyday. Always keep that in mind. Otherwise:
DON’T BE REFRESHINGLY HONEST
Produced in association with Lipton Ice Tea Sparkling
DO PREP
Now, what’s cooler than being cool? Going for a job that you actually really want and getting it. Also, ice cold.
To prove to an interviewer who gives up a large portion of their week to work for this particular company, that you would also please like to do the same: know their shit inside and out. Try and find as much information as possible on the company; Google, LinkedIn, ask friends who may know, find out what they’ve currently got going on in the way of campaigns, events and projects.
Always. ALWAYS bring a fancy colour copy of your CV, résumé and, ideally, some additional material. In the way of extra goodies, think case studies from a project you’ve worked on, visual aids, examples of work you’re proud of, ideas for their company and the role you’re going into. If you’re going for a job that actually requires some cold hard facts, bring your numbers game and lay a data smackdown on their candy ass. Don’t just forcefully whip all of this out, but if it feels right, or comes up in the course of your discussion, having something tangible to show speaks volumes.
Seems obvious. Rarely happens. Always impresses.
Basics. Do not neglect hygiene. If you’ve got bad breath, BO or unchill levels of perfume/aftershave happening in an interview, the interviewer will not wait around to see how much worse your stench can get on a 9-5 basis.
Also, on this one occasion, it’s not cute to be aggressively hungover and/or still drunk.
Have it mapped. Know where you’re going, how you’re going to get there and allow for variables. There is nothing worse than arriving late with the SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on a loop in your head.
Q&A. Now that you’ve researched and know so much about this company you would like to get a paycheck from, have the thoughtful and interesting questions you want to ask ready; questions that demonstrate how your thoughts regarding the position have strayed further than ‘paycheck’. Don’t wait patiently till the end of the interview to throw these out either, make it a conversation. This is your chance to show that no, you are not just one of the many graduates/entry level/experienced candidates going for the job, but rather you are a sentient being with depth and the ability to think critically.
DO HAVE STRONG PERSONAL BRAND
Dress 4 Impress. You know yourself what kind of company you’re walking into (on account of all that sweet prep juice you’ve squeezed and slammed down your throat) and so can most likely judge the dress code vibe (suits vs “creative”). Always try and dress like You™ though; just like, the best possible version of you. Having said that, if ‘you’ is 90% bare legs, thongs, or stained clothing – suppress your inner glow. This is also one of the only cases where the popular saying ‘get it right, get it tight’ is only half applicable; if your pants are so incredibly form-fitting that the interviewer could paint an anatomically correct diagram of your front bulge post-meeting, chances are they were not listening to a word you were saying.
^Too formal
Speaking of pants – keep it in them. There’s a fine line between charming and flirting, and if you’re naturally prone to underwear dropping your fellow humans, keep it in check. You ideally want the hiring of you, as a professional person, to be a completely platonic transaction, otherwise that could come back and bite you in the arse later, maybe even literally [winky emoticon]. If you get to the interview and decide that yes, you would very much like to rub naked bodies with this person at some point in your life, that’s coo’. Just save it till after you have/haven’t got the job.
You is kind, you is smart, you is important. But it’s entirely up to you to sell your own personal brand of Kind x Smart x Important. After researching the company and job description you will have a good idea of what they’re looking for and if you don’t, they weren’t clear enough or you’re a blithering idiot. Identify the key skills their hearts desire and figure out ways to show how you just so happen to be fuken sik at those things. Also, ‘transferable skills,’ yo. Finding your skills and showing how they apply to the position is especially important if you’re looking entry level and are struggling to differentiate yourself from the pack. Think hobbies, extra curricular situations, internships and your life as a whole.
Believe your own bullshit.
I:D
DO NAIL FIRST 5 MINS
Small talk. If you are a dillweed when it comes to chitchat, prepare for the eventuality that words will evade your mouth when you need them the most. This is, again, where good prep comes in – if you can walk in and be all ‘you guys must be busy with ________ going on at the moment?’ et cetera, you’re going to get them talking and give you time to chill your tits a bit.
Firm handshake and maintaining normal levels of eye contact. So important.
DON’T BE A DUD INTERVIEW
Astral Projection. Gently separate yourself from that stupid meat sack you call your ‘physical body,’ float across the table and plop your tush down inside of your interviewer. Breathe deeply. Feel how much work you have to do today. How much you probably just want to go eat some tasty lunch. How much you don’t want this interviewee to completely suck at just being good. Deep breaths. Now imagine a room where you are talking to a person, they are asking you questions, they seem interested and interesting, and they are likeable. You are immediately relieved. Ask yourself ‘does this little turd sound like they know what they’re talking about?’ Do they ‘get’ it? Considering you will spend almost more time in the presence of this person than you will with your own flesh and blood, are you graining on their attitude, swerving on that big brain (swerve), surfing all in their good-good?
Read the room. Basically you want to suppress those unflattering parts of yourself that become more pronounced the more goon sacks you sup. Nerves are also chronic for bringing all of those fun ticks on, so be wary. Also, look to those interviewing you for the vibe of the day – if they’re a bit more casual and display an actual sense of humour, whip yours right on out too! If they remain frigid and intimidating, keep it professional, or slip
them some MDMA.
Anthropology 101. Yet another reason why having good questions ready to go is essential: to assist in your study of the complicated human society and culture that exists within this workplace. If this is a job you want to keep for at least a year, you NEED to find out how much you would love/hate living in the habitat. THIS CANNOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH but also depends on how desperately you need cash/any job that is going. On the flipside, you not getting the job could come down to your personality and the ‘culture’ fit of the place, which can suck but ultimately it works out best for you too.
DO POST-INTERVIEW
Follow up. Sending an email to say ‘thx 4 ur time m8’ [but better] is not just good manners, but is also the perfect crime/chance to further seal the deal. It’s the time for ‘that thing we were talking about reminded me of this www.interestingarticle.com that you are just simply going to adore’ and ‘after our chat I had a chance to think, here are some other ideas for that thing we were talking about’ et cetera.
Multiple baskets. If you’re seriously job hunting and not just going for a more desirable job whilst already gainfully employed (greedy), since you’re waiting to here back from your delightfully written follow up email, get back out there. No matter how securely you perceive your nailing of that last interview to the fucking wall to be, there’s always the chance that some heavenly creature with more experience than you will swoop down from their perch upon high to graciously accept ‘your’ job contract. Not only do you want to keep applying for jobs, you want each CV and resume to be lovingly tailored specifically and demonstrative of how much you really want that job. Even if you would rather yourself attracted to cacti than working there.
Weeeeeeeee! The job hunt continues. 
