Here To Slay: A Red Carpet Retrospective In Fifty Shades Of Leopard

A red carpet staple for the ages, today we’re taking the divisive print and running with it for a #tbt red carpet retrospective of the entirety of human history [the last ten years], arriving right on time for that period of the afternoon when your productivity has started to wane and my second warning for this month’s outstanding phone bill has just made itself apparent. 

But first – more importantly than any other issue we could be discussing right now – what kind of person dares to wear leopard on the red carpet? 

She’s a woman (64 pages of Getty Images archives generally don’t lie) who isn’t afraid of taking risks. She’s often a repeat customer (see: Reese Witherspoon). She’s ballsy as hell and thrives on Drama with a capital D. 

She’s a Helen Mirren in the boardroom, a Nicki Minaj at karaoke, and any of the Kardashians where it counts [an unfettered joie de vivre]. She’s also literally every woman* who made a red carpet appearance in 2011.

In celebration of a print nonpareil and the women who wield it, here are the unequivocal highs and lows of leopard flavoured red carpet appearances from the last decade, beginning with the year time forgot: 2004.

Sorry in advance for getting the ball rolling on what is undoubtedly a sad note, but Brittany Murphy’s dramatic leopard coat with strong lapel and shoulder game paired with sweetheart accessories is the epitome of ~glamorous~ red carpet styling circa 2004. A more innocent time if ever there were one (I checked, and there isn’t).

On a scale of ‘I cannot even’ [1] to ‘I literally won’t’ [10], approximately how much are you unable to deal with Angelina Jolie’s leopard trench, paired with hoop earrings, cherry red winklepickers and a flared jean? About a 10? Cool, me too.

At future congressional hearings [plural] into why Gwen Stefani has failed to age a day since October 3rd 1987, this photo will be used as one of many pieces of substantiating evidence in all our opening statements. A+

Have you ever read a more underwhelming sentence than “Actress Phoebe Price attends Showtime’s The L-World second season premiere.” 

Heads up: no you haven’t, nor will you likely again. 

Cherish this moment. Hold it close (but not that close).

If you hold up your thumb over Gavin Rossdale from the neck down, everything else about this photo is aspirational.

Rihanna’s belt. 

Can you believe Rihanna has been kicking around for almost ten years?

Pre-‘Umbrella’ Rihanna – or Bad Gal RiRi as we know her now – was a study in aggressive contrasts; that is, the contrast between the manifold shades of brown that combine to form a print the colour of a flayed leopard pelt. 

Old Robyn Fenty really, really loved leopard.

Calling the below garment a ‘HIGH’ is perhaps a bit of a stretch if we’re being honest with each other, but you have to give credit where credit’s due with this body-con column gown she wore to attend the 2007 Bambi Awards, though only if you’re in the habit of making exceptions for the Flower streak in her hair. 

You could compile an entire gallery – no, an exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum of Art with a corresponding gala – comprised of nothing but Paris Hilton’s leopard ensembles. 

To have only included two here was a feat requiring considerable restraint. This 2007 MTV VMA ensemble warrants inclusion for embodying the year that was 2007 in a single frame: the pose, the cockeyed smirk, the opulence, the artifice. Do you love it?

Remember that one time when your hall pass, Natalie Portman, wore a romper cut from fabric dyed in the pattern of an animal’s skin to launch her vegan shoe range, Te Casan? 

Remember Natalie Portman’s vegan shoe range? Miss you, 2008.

Cheryl Cole’s heinous fedora. 

Real talk: Chloë Sevigny is the only human whose name you could append to the sequence of words ‘tan scalloped hem short suit worn by’ to make it not only okay but also a viable option for your next public appearance. 

Note the benefits of leopard when it’s used not as an entire language, but as an accent. 

Therein lies the secret.

No, really, take your pick. This one’s on you.

Though it pains me to associate Dame Helen Mirren with a low point of any kind, this cobalt blue leopard print wrap dress with Fendi logo overlay is – well, it would sadden me if any of this meant anything. 

Anna Paquin’s sequinned cocktail dress, worn to a chill party at Valentino’s place, no big deal, is bangerz and a prime example of welding leopard print’s considerable powers for the greater good. 

That’s not hyperbole.

It’s a threeway tie! That seems appropriate. 

Congratulations, Kim Kardashian, Laura Dundovic and Kris Jenner.

Zoe Saldana is unfairly beautiful and regularly takes life-and-death red carpet risks. More often than not, they pay off with rewards as bounteous as they are inconsequential. 

Case in point, this lace and leopard Dolce & Gabbana pastiche party dress. Cute A.F. 

It’s another tie! Congratulations, Reese Mazzin’ and Adam Lambert for – excuse the expression – going balls to the wall and experimenting with both leopard print and eschewing their better judgement in favour of a better world for us all. Bless.

Jason DeRulo knows what’s up.

See what I did with the ‘every woman‘ thing from before? *Chaka Freakin’ Khan, ladies and gentlemen.  

From [our] left to right, you can almost read on the faces of these red carpet onlookers the Seven Stages of Grieving Katy Perry’s Mugler situation from the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards. 

First, there’s ‘Hmm‘, followed by ‘Oh‘, and ‘Ugh‘; then its ‘Okay, I see what you’re going for, kind of‘, which quickly segues into ‘*Laughter through pursed lips*‘, before climaxing at ‘Who, me?‘ and finishing itself off with ‘Oh, okay, if you insist *mean mugs for camera*.’

Sky Ferreira cares not for conventional glamour and that’s why she’s still the best person to wear leopard on a red carpet in 2013. Bye, haters.

Heidi Klum’s all like ‘Guten tag, tot leoparden körpersack!‘ 

You can Google that in your own time.

America Ferrera has had such a hard time on red carpets of late that I can’t bring myself to say anything untoward about her inoffensive leopard gown. 

I mean, ‘inoffensive’ is really high praise in and of itself when it comes to a floor-length print gown and that’s going to have to do.

To cap things off, let’s anoint our (read: ‘my’) all time least favourite and actual favourite leopard looks from the last ten years. 

First things first. If I told you this was the most SFW image of Sacha Baron Cohen in character as Bruno on the red carpet at the 2009 MTV Movie Awards a) I would not be lying and b) you’d have to believe me anyway because what are you going to do, conduct an independent investigation? 

My anaconda can’t.