Like the watery java of Starbucks or the horrors of iSnack 2.0, when the Australian public decides to collectively hate something, you best roll over and play dead lest people take your demise into their own hands (and they will!). We’re great at hating after all – must be that inherent tall poppy syndrome or our authority adverse past (we can still blame current behaviour on “Australia’s convict history”, right?) – and in August when clothing brand Ed Hardy, the 99% accurate douchebag designator and gaudy garb preferred by porn stars, announced it would go into administration, close six Westfield stores and barely survive a year they described as “turbulent”, you, nay we, hated with every fiber of our cynical, blackened hearts.
But that kind of retail demise just isn’t enough for some people. Just when Ed Hardy would go gently into the night, bringing its motorcycles, mermaids and bedazzled abominations to Hell along with it, someone had to put a bomb under the Ed Hardy deathbed and post a (fake) council notice in Melbourne’s Chapel Street.
We know it’s a fake because they’ve misspelled ‘Stonnington’. Also, the phrase “fuck-head Jersey Shore wannabes” probably exists outside of council’s communication style guide. Just a guess.
Reads the notice:
“The City of Stonignton [sic] and Chapel St [sic] Precinct hereby announce that Ed Hardy shall cease trading immediately.
Despite claims of financial troubles, Ed Hardy have [sic] actually contravened style and taste laws, and are [sic] no longer permitted within a 20km radius of Chapel St.
In turn, all you fuck-head Jersey Shore wannabes can go back to the suburbs, to spend the exorbitant amounts of cash you were going to use on bedazzled wifebeaters, on your illegitimate children instead.
Please do not return.”