HELLO AGAIN, it is Josie (Head of Editorial) and Mel (Senior Style Editor) here to bring you more Bachelor In Paradise content because we literally can’t stop/won’t stop/refuse to do our real jobs!
Given we must SURELY be coming into the home stretch of this trash fire of a reality show (I mean that in a good way, like a fun and zesty trash fire that warms your soul) there’s probably only a few more weeks we can really milk our obsession with reality has beens, and you bet your sweet bippy we WILL be milking it.
So here’s another weekly fashion round-up from the sludgy rain-drenched hell hole that is whatever Fiji island they selected at the WRONG time of year for this show.
SWEET BABY OSHER
JOSIE: I love Osh and everything he does. He cannot fail in my eyes. Even if he turned up in, like, a stained tracksuit I’d be here for it. Plus the finger guns just elevate this look to 100.
MEL: Osh is consistently winning best dressed for me on this island and look, it’s not a hard thing to achieve is it. I will ask if he is sweating literal buckets in that hefty jacket but I also applaud him for wearing real clothes – unlike the other plebbos in this show.
JOSIE: What is this, what is happening here? Is it satin shorts under a dress? Is it long sleeved or no sleeved? I feel like this outfit is a representation of Leah as a person: indecisive and annoying. She and this dress should just leave the island immediately.
MEL: I am supremely sick of people wearing silk or satin and NOT IRONING it on this show. We’ve seen inside those bungalows, you have amenities. Fix this. I’m also absolutely terrified that the little bit of thigh silk there is actually a secret bike short. It better not be, Leah.
JOSIE: Look, I said it in the recap and I’ll say it again: did Megan just straight up wear her fave swimmers to the rose ceremony that night? Granted, she looks killer in this but it’s missing something. Like actual clothing elements, maybe?
MEL: I get underboobs ok? But this looks like she accidentally pulled the top up too high and part of her baps popped out of the bottom accidentally. And maybe that happened! THINGS HAPPEN. Once I had my nips showing bc my bra was see through and my top was white. Shit just fucking happens but also it should not happen in a professional photo shoot or on a show where there are 204702 cameras pointed at you, so whoever didn’t tell this sweet girl her tit was out, fuck you very much.
JOSIE: I do quite like this dramatic mature look on Keira but there’s something about wearing black in Paradise that just bugs me. It’s so stuffy and Fiji is supposed to be easy breezy. She kinda looks like she’s going to a Fijian funeral.
MEL: Nup, I hate it. If I saw her on a July evening in Melbourne at a swanky cocktail bar – sure. Into it. But she’s in 50000C degree Fiji, we are meant to at least be PRETENDING the weather is schmick there and that lolling around in a bikini is standard, so let me live that fantasy Keira. You wearing a black, long-sleeved cocktail dress with extremely vampy makeup is ruining my tropical vibes.
TARA AND SAM
JOSIE: Tara is so cute and I really dig her style. It’s fun and plays on the vacation vibes but it’s still “noice” enough for the cocktail party vibes. She nails it every time. Re: Sam – I actually said out loud to my boyfriend Julien when Sam came into the screen: “wow Sam looks amazing in that shirt!” And Julien, who fancies himself QUITE the fashionista. Had to agree. The linen is bang-on brief for Paradise (just ask Known Linen Aficionado Jarrod) but this colour is nothing short of spectacular. It really suits him and it’s the colour that tropical ocean waves are supposed to be (which unfortunately we are yet to see on the actual show).
MEL: See I disagree re: Sam because yes, I’m into the colour but the shirt seems too tight? Like he’s going to explode out of it, bellow, turn into a mutant shark and then slowly eat all the contestants. Which… would make for the best show ever, IMO. I NEED to know why he does his hair like that. Which means, I need him to prove he has a bald patch he’s Donald Trumping. I also am enjoying Tara’s Paradise looks. She’s nailing the pastel holiday vibes, and her dress is gorge but also totally weather friendly.
JOSIE: Aw bless him, he looks like he’s about to bound off the screen and straight into your heart, doesn’t he? I really appreciate that Apollo (when he’s actually wearing clothes, which to be fair is only about 10% of the time) releases the zest in terms of fun prints and colours.
MEL: WHAT. IS WITH. EVERYONE. BEING ON. APOLLO’S DICK. Not literally (maybe literally we don’t know) but figuratively – I don’t get it. This might be because he looks like my cousin-in-law, idk. Anyway that’s irrelevant just a side observation from yours truly there. Shirt – cute. I mean dead lobsters is a weird choice but he’s so smiley he has been forgiven. The shoes are FOULTOWN ARIZONA and should be burnt.
JOSIE: This is basically Sasha in an outfit: spicy and a bit weird. I dig it – she of all people can pull it off but anyone else would look ridiculous. How did no one give this woman a rose, I’ll never know.
MEL: I froth this so hard, the only thing I wish is that the top was less ill-fitting – it doesn’t seem to cross over enough. But damn, what a jumpsuit. I already miss her.
LUKE AND LISA
JOSIE: Even when this intense convo was happening I was like – shouldn’t they be more dressed for a fight / make or break chat? They’re basically both nude which made it all the more surreal to watch. Also, i think Lisa borrowed this outfit from Elora’s Tahitian Princess Crocheted Sock With Armholes range?
MEL: See controversial but I like this little crochet thing. My issue with Elora’s was the sock look of it – this is like a bikini and a skirt. But agree that they are so naked to be having such an intense “what are we” chat.
JOSIE: Okay I may be biased because I think Ali is an angel but I love this. The colour is so good, she looks like a tropical Tahitian Princess. Elora must have been fuming.
MEL: She’s ABSOLUTELY doing tropical Tahitian Princess better than Elora, who has suddenly decided activewear is the order of the day (every day). I personally have a violent aversion to watermelon coloured clothing but hey, she looks great and clearly has found the solution to humidity hair is one large aggressively tight braid.
JOSIE: I love how Jarrod wanders around all day in a crinkled linen shirt and shorts and for the After 5 portion of the evening just wears all of the above but in black. Well played.
MEL: I’m 1000% with you now on the black-in-paradise thing. It just seems weird like you’re going to a funeral, but not before a QUICK OCEAN DIP!
JOSIE: Oh for FUCK’S sake I wish he’d get off this Polo Ralph Lauren bullshit? You’re in Fiji not about to meet the parents of your well-to-do girlfriend at the country club for a nice 3 course lunch? Boy needs to take it down a notch with this incessant Polo branding or the company will order a bloody cease and desist.
MEL: Jake, you’re not going to your snooty asshole private school 10 year reunion where you are a hedge fund banker who regularly cheats on his yoga instructor wife with a woman you met at Ryan’s Bar.
JOSIE: OMG. So the dress is… whatever but I can’t get over the foundation they smacked all over her chest to cover up her mahogany sunburn. It’s ridiculous and makes her look like a store mannequin at Myer or something.
MEL: I feel like they’ve airbrushed the terrible patchiness of it out in this photo but on TV it was WILD, right? Like this big, grey-brown patch in the middle of her chest. If she roasted herself good just leave her pucey, don’t try and cover that shit up. You can NEVER cover up sunburn. This dress is hideous, the end.
Live and die by Bachelor In Paradise content? Hit up our latest batshit recap here.