American Apparel Recalls Hazardous Nail Polish

The product recall of American Apparel’s new line of eco-friendly nail polish (under initial claims of toxicity) has given nail biters everywhere even more reason to be nervous and edgy, and therefore continue to bite and chew, and so the vicious cycle continues…But for now, unsightly nail beds are the least of their problems.

In an admirable effort to be environmentally aware, the American clothing giant has removed formaldehyde, Di-N-Butyl Phthalate and Toluene from their nail varnish. Chemicals which, are not only detrimental to the environment and hard to pronounce, but with repeated exposure, may trigger symptoms of descended or incompletely descended testicles, problems with breathing and the nervous system, asthma attacks, and eye, nose and throat irritation.

With the threat of descended testicles hanging above them, bloggers expressed concern after news broke of a full product recall on all American Apparel nail polish bottles. Could it be toxic? they asked. Not quite. According to an internal memo ensnared by Jezebel, the nail polish’s bottles are actually to blame: “Due to some quality issues with the glassware used in the American Apparel nail polish we are requesting all bottles be taken off the sales floor immediately. We are working closely with our vendor to improve the product, and will be shipping an improved polish within 5-10 days. Please remove the nail polish from the floor and store it in the back. We will let you know how to dispose of it on the Monday back stock conference call”.

So to make things clear, American Apparel nail polish won’t kill you but the VOLATILE SHARD BOMBS they’re housed in might. In other health related news American Apparel advertisements are still likely to cause Cardiac Arrest in older men and make pre-teens feel “funny”.