Asamoah Gyan, the current captain of the national soccer team of Ghana, has been forced to deny rumours that he murdered Ghanian rapper Castro – who has been missing for months – as part of a ritualistic, sacrificial killing.

That, my friends, is an actual English sentence.

The whole saga began when Castro – real name Theophilus Tagoe, which is an infinitely better name than Castro, let’s be real – disappeared along with his girlfriend whilst holidaying with Gyan and his brother following the conclusion of this year’s World Cup. The pair’s bodies were never recovered, and it was presumed they drowned following a jet-skiing accident.

But locals have taken the fact the pair’s bodies could not be found and gone completely batshit insane with it. In what could probably be called one of the most epic games of Chinese Whispers ever conducted, Ghanian public are starting to believe that Gyan might have enlisted the powers of black magic to ritualistically sacrifice the pair – potentially for monetary gain. The rumours are great enough that Gyan’s family has felt it necessary to call a press conference to set a few things straight – namely, holy shit is that whole “black magic” rumour as dumb as hell.

Even the local media is getting in on the act. Gyan and his brother have a court case to attend to soon, which was taken out on them by a local journalist who accuses Gyan’s brother of slapping him after the journo confronted Gyan and asked him to clear the air on – and I swear to God I wish I was capable of making something up this incredible – “this allegation that you sacrificed Castro for whatever reason.

Far be it for me to tell you what to do with any of your lives. But on the off chance you should find yourself in Ghana… I’d consider just keeping yourself to yourself. Yikes.

Photo: Carl De Souza via Getty Images.