Whilst we may be boring headlong in to winter, the northern hemisphere is entering their summer months. And with it being a year, it’s time again for an arbitrary collection of nations to gather together and see who can get from one point to another the fastest. The 2014 Commonwealth Games are being held in Glasgow (that’s in Scotland – go Rangers!) starting on July 23, and today we’ve got our first official look at the uniforms our Aussie athletes will be sporting when they march into battle against the world’s best few remaining nations the Queen has a loose affiliation with.
Firstly, a look at the men’s uniforms. A slightly softer shade of green than what we’re used to – perhaps promoting some sort of environmental edge or greater connection with the earth or some hippy nonsense like that. And, of course, the most vital of vital accessories when walking into any games held in a summer environment: a scarf. What better way to immediately stamp your authority over opponents than by strutting into their stadium and shoving the fact that we’re even better at seasons than you right in their smarmy, Scottish faces?
A closer look at the men’s jacket reveals a baffling level of layering with minimal regard for any useful function whatsoever. Offcuts from the Winter Olympics? Capes that were abandoned halfway through? Or simply some manner of hybrid belhop/butler style jacket? Maybe, if it’s the latter, it’s a visual warning that we’ll be serving up a thrashing in the pool. STRAYA, etc.
Onto the women’s uniform now, and with wings this large, our athletes are sure to be flying down whatever track they’re on. And, as an added bonus, if funding falls through at the last minute and the athlete’s village is shut down, the jackets also double as one-man survival tents, capable of shielding an entire human from the ravages of a savage Glaswegian summer night.
And finally, because nothing says I am faster, stronger, and a better athlete than you quite like a woollen fucking knit. Particularly one that, quite frankly, might well have been yanked from Cotton On’s winter collection three seasons ago, saved from incineration, and had a coat of arms badge smacked onto the front of it for an added tinge of national pride. I’m beginning to think that the design process for this wasn’t so much painstaking drawing and sewing as it was more knick-off down to the Big W with the company credit card and drop the rest of the budget on a boozy Friday lunch at the Pig & Whistle.
But, y’know. Knock ’em dead and such, guys.
Photos: Mack Horton via Getty Images.
