Once a pawn a time, the chess world was in perfect harmony. Grandmasters would coexist, there was no beef between players, and everything was glorious. But now, the chess world has been absolutely shaken, rattled and rolled. If you’re looking for the ultimate recap of all the drama in the world of chess, rook no further than this yarn right here.

Our story starts with 31-year-old chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen, from Norway. Carlsen is considered the best chess player in the world by the International Chess Federation (FIDE). He has prided himself on never quitting or withdrawing from tournaments (an important fact to remember later).

Carlsen went head-to-head with a young American chess prodigy named Hans Niemann at the Sinquefield Cup in St. Louis on September 4. At the time, Carlsen had played 53 classical matches of chess without a single loss.

But in a HUGE shock, Niemann defeated Carlsen in an over-the-board (OTB) match and world champion Carlsen decided to withdraw from the entire tournament after his defeat.

And this, friends, is just the beginning of the story. Let’s get into how we go from this to rumours of vibrating computer-informed anal beads.

A Cryptic Message

Following his withdrawal from the tournament, Carlsen posted to Twitter a cryptic video of football manager José Mourinho.

Mourinho is known for constantly losing his shit and accusing referees and the media of conspiring against him and his team.

“If I speak I am in big trouble, and I don’t want to be in big trouble,” Mourinho says in the clip.

Chess fans assumed that by posting this clip, Carlsen was insinuating Niemann cheated in their recent match, but couldn’t say anything about it. After all, that would be incredibly unprofessional without sufficient evidence.

Either that or he just can’t handle defeat. He’s a man of very few words, so it’s hard to know.

Niemann on the other hand was on top of the world after the match, understandably.

Keep in mind that it is very hard to cheat in over-the-board chess. You’d need something like a super-smart computer inside of your shoe or you know…  inside your ass.

Director-General of FIDE Emil Sutovsky tweeted his support for Magnus Carlsen, saying there would have had to be a very real reason for him to forfeit. After all, quitting is rookie behaviour (badum tss).

A Court of Grandmasters

Following this scandalous event, American chess grandmaster Hikaru Nakamura hopped onto Twitch to talk about it.

After all, when you’re a Twitch streamer whose sole focus is chess, I can’t imagine it’s every day that drama like this comes around. This whole mess is a goldmine for content.

“There was a period of over six months where Hans did not play any prize-money tourns [sic] on Chess.com and that is the only thing I am going to say on this topic,” he said.

The implication here is that Nakamura seemingly believes Hans Niemann has a history of cheating at the game.

Niemann responded to the allegations by calling them “frivolous insinuations”.

American chess grandmaster Andrew Tang also commented on Hans Niemann, saying his checkered past was the reason he stopped associating with him.

“I stopped talking to Hans because of his stuff on Chess.com,” he said during a Twitch stream.

So that’s two grandmasters now accusing Niemann of a history of cheating…

A Confession

And what do you know it, Hans Niemann did cheat. Well, when he was 12 and 16, but he swears that’s it.

As more and more speculation grew around Niemann’s match with Carlsen, Niemann was banned from the online chess platform Chess.com. Chaos is king, I guess.

“We have reached out to Niemann to explain our decision to privately remove him from Chess.com and our events,” wrote Chief Chess Officer Danny Rensch in a statement.

“We have shared detailed evidence with him concerning our decision, including the information that contradicts his statements [about] the amount and seriousness of his cheating on Chess.com.”

Pop off Chess.com.

The letter written by Rensch seems to hint that Chess.com knows more about Niemann’s past than he’s admitting to… the tea is PIPING hot in the chess world, folks.

The Anal Beads Rumour

And now we come to the anal beads rumour that has sent the entire world into a frenzy. Never before have so many people suddenly been interested in competitive chess.

Unfortunately, the rumour is untrue, as delicious as it is.

It all started after a Twitch streamer jokingly suggested that an anal bead or prostate massager would have to be one of the only ways someone can cheat OTB and get away with it.

And then what do you know, every person and their nonna is suddenly reporting on the fact that Hans Niemann used anal beads in his match. The media is a gorgeous landscape, isn’t it?

If that wasn’t wild enough, a Reddit user on r/Chess made a since-deleted post that claimed Magnus Carlsen himself became the best chess player in the world via anal beads.

How did Hans Niemann beat him then? Well, he stole the legendary super computer morse code anal beads, of course.

“The real answer is actually elementary,” the post reads.

reddit chess post anal beads
(Source: Reddit).

It goes without saying this Reddit post is not serious at all, but it’s wild to think that so many news sites ran with the anal beads story without properly investigating.

An Offer

Naturally, Niemann denied the ludicrous assumption that he’d cheat with anal beads.

“I have never cheated in an over-the-board game. If they want me to strip fully naked, I will do it,” Niemann told Sportbible.

“I don’t care. Because I know I am clean. You want me to play in a closed box with zero electronic transmission, I don’t care.”

In walks adult website Stripchat, offering Hans Niemann $1 million to actually strip naked and play chess to prove he isn’t using a supercomputer in his ass.

“I know you even offered to strip completely naked to prove to people you didn’t cheat,” a public letter from Stripchat read.

“Well, being that Stripchat is an adult entertainment webcam platform that receives 400 million views on average each month, I wanted to extend you an offer to do just that.

“Prove the haters wrong once and for all. Strip naked and play a game of chess live on Stripchat in return for up to $1 million.”

Honestly, if I was Niemann I would have just done it. One million dollarydoos can buy a LOT of chess boards.

The Rematch

Magnus Carlsen and Hans Niemann found themselves up against each other again on September 20 as part of the Julius Baer Generation Cup.

The chess masters filmed themselves via Microsoft Teams and used the online chess platform Chess24.

If the match was held via Chess.com, Niemann would not have been able to compete.

The chess world waited with bated breath to see how things would go down during this rematch, but after a single move, Carlsen turned his screen off and resigned.

“Magnus Carlsen just resigned. Got up, and left. Switched off his camera, and that’s all we know right now,” said announcer Tania Sachdev.

For Carlsen to quit once was astounding, but for him to quit a second time without even playing out the match is unheard of. Clearly, he’s convinced that something is up with Niemann.

A Statement

After a few days of silence, Magnus Carlsen released a written statement (the chess world’s version of a Notes app apology).

It’s incredibly spicy and straight-up claims that Hans Niemann cheated.

“I believe that Niemann has cheated more — and more recently — than he has publicly admitted,” Carlsen wrote.

“His over-the-board progress has been unusual, and throughout our game in the Sinquefield Cup, I had the impression that he wasn’t tense or even fully concentrating on the game in critical positions.

“There is more that I would like to say. Unfortunately, at this time I am limited in what I can say without explicit permission from Niemann to speak openly.

“I am not willing to play chess with Niemann. I hope that the truth on this matter comes out, whatever it may be.”

TEA.

Some folks online jokingly claimed that Carlsen’s post had some hidden messages in it.

The truth of the matter is that these allegations are incredibly serious. If Niemann isn’t cheating at all, we’re witnessing one of chess’ greatest players absolutely losing it over the fact he finally lost a match to someone better than him.

I’m sure this isn’t the end of the wild chess saga. Who knows, maybe anal beads really are to blame for this whole fiasco.

Image: Getty Images / Jordan Lye & Booty Bling