Valentine’s Day is a kick in the balls for anyone who’s single – in fact, you could say it’s a kick in the balls for people who are in a relationship too, but that’s a story for another day.
It’s a pretty shitty day to have on the calendar considering people who are in love have anniversaries and crap to commemorate regardless, and that they, you know, should appreciate each other the remaining 364 days of the year too.
But anyway, when it comes down to it, what’s that great about being in a relationship anyway? Someone to cuddle? To scratch your back? To give you sex on tap? To answer the door when your Menulog arrives and you are a hung daddy?
I get that love is great (and patient and kind and all that), but if you can’t score the actual respect and gratitude that some partners know how to give, then here are the superficial benefits of a relationship that you can replace this V Day, from dildos to spooning pillows:
SPOONING POTENTIAL
Wave your bloody pitchforks all you want, but human warmth has got to be the best part of a relationship – that’s why long distance relationships are so rough (and, yeah, also ze lack of human-to-human sex). So why not mount and dismount a pillow substitute next time you’re feeling lonely and or cold?
There’s the Lap Pillow (wearing a miniskirt, crouched in what would IRL be a v. uncomfortable, v. breakfast-revealing position), the Boyfriend Pillow (who legit wears a collared shirt like he plonked out straight after work) and even a tit pillow (so you can remember what it was like to nestle your head between those comfy fun bags).
THE SADDEST BOOK ALIVE
Photo: Fox 11.
“Microwave Cooking for One” is a legit book which actually exists – dating way back to 1986 – and it makes me wanna crank (read: cry wank). It’s a fucked up gesture from author Marie T Smith – tbh I’d rather pay extra for single-person servings of YouFoodz than engage in such tragedy. If you feel differently, buy it here.
YOU SCRATCH MY BACK, I’LL GIVE YOU THIS PRODUCT TO SCRATCH YOURS
Not at all weird and / or creepy! Painted nails an obvi bonus.
Your back is a place that just – no matter how hard you try and be double-jointed – can’t get the love and attention it needs when you’re single. The pain is real for those who know how near impossible it is to scratch a rogue itchy bite, or get a near-even sunscreen, moisturiser, aloe vera or fake tan application.
Alas, there is a no-lover-required loophole in the shape of back scratchers and (imo) this revolutionary self tan back applicator (which, fuck it, you can use for anything else that needs to be slip, slop, slapped on your rear side too) and also this Roll-A-Lotion which (lucky you!) now ships to Aus. You got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one mmhmmm.
Got a hairy back? No dramz with this back razor.
LET’S MAKE OUT LET’S MAKE OUT LET’S MAKE OUT
Photo: Etsy.
Prepare to projectile, because here’s something so sad it’ll make the death of a loved one feel like a walk in the park: a “practice kissing pillow“. They’re made with the same rubber mouths you’d find on a CPR dummy, and are described on Etsy as follows:
“You can practice making out with it, but it is really intended as a silly present to give to someone.“
Well thank fuck. They really had us there for a sec.
A PERSONAL DRESSER
I’ve given up on fitting rooms because of the difficult zip situation alone. (No, I will not ask for assistance from someone who will con me into buying something that looks utterly shit on me, just so she can make the day’s budget). But there’s a solution and Jesus, Mary and Joseph – why is there not more hoo-ha around such a device?
Called ZipMyself (apt, I know), see a demo on how the gadget works above. Alternatively, if you’re wearing a button up shirt and can’t get those buttons around the wrist, it works for that too! Now that’s what I call a wristy.
GENITALIA REPLICA
Photo: Sex And The City.
There’s a reason even happily in love folk play with sex toys – and that’s because they can’t disappoint like ordinary humans can. From dildos to flesh lights and blow up dolls, you’ll feel more satisfied than your friends in long terms relationships this V day. Meanwhile, they’ll be awkwardly lying there waiting for a towel so sit on that and rotate, eh? Head here for all the goods, or your nearest staircase next to a still-standing Civic Video.
Just to be clear, I don’t actually condone purchasing any of the tragic items above.
Except the dildos.
Go to town on that one.
Photo: Lars and the Real Girl.
