I once got given a nicely wrapped packet of condoms as a gift. I’m pretty sure it was for Valentine’s Day, but I honestly don’t remember because I’ve repressed that part of my life. The point is some dude I was seeing gave me condoms. Not even a whole packet either, like half a packet of a shitty brand wrapped in cellophane. With all the shit flavours. Romance. Now I don’t think I’m after a lot when it comes to gifts, but I like / appreciate effort. So since Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, I thought I’d rank a whole slew of extremely random V-Day gifts from Fuck Me Now to Fuck Right Off.

Let us begin.

Nicely Wrapped Condoms

Okay yes, I really did receive this as a “haha” gift. And I genuinely had a laff, but that was it. That was the gift. There was no, “AhhHAhaHAHhhahA, now here are some flowers”. The condoms were it. Unbelievable.

A Funny Card From Typo (and that’s it)

I’m sorry, but if you can walk into the chaotic store that is Typo, not elbow a child in the face, decide on a Valentine’s Day card, manage not to buy a whole bunch of useless but atheistically pleasing shit, pay, and exit the store then you can also buy a gift. End of story.

Personalised Vouchers

I’m talking about those handmade vouchers with like, ‘One Free Back Rub’ on it or whatnot. I don’t care what you say, this shit is 100% last minute. Even if it’s covered in cute love hearts and squiggles, it’s a total last minute job. It’s also fucken bullshit. ‘Get Out Of Doing The Dishes’ pass? Maybe I’ve had a shit day and don’t feel like doing the dishes, DARREN.

Electric Shaver

So one time, when I was a wee babe, I accompanied [REDACTED] to the shops for a Valentine’s Day gift. I don’t want to be aggressively disowned so I’m keeping this one anonymous. Back then, I didn’t know much about gift-giving but I feel like I knew enough to know that buying [REDACTED] an ELECTRIC SHAVER for Valentine’s Day was a Bad Idea™. It was absolutely from a place of goodness, though – [REDACTED] did say they wanted a new electric shaver, but C’MON NOW. You should’ve seen [REDACTED]’s face when they tore the wrapping away to reveal a pastel pink shaver. As a young lass, I could only describe [REDACTED]’s face as puzzled. Now I know it was a strong What Da Fuck.

Physical Exercise That Isn’t Sex

Couples bouldering? No.

Coles Group Gift Card

On one hand, this is last minute as hell and shows minimal effort. But on the other hand, COLES. I bloody love Coles. But not just Coles – Coles Group so Myer, Target, Kmart, Officeworks, Liquorland, and the alcohol joints.

Flowers

Flowers are da best (unless you’re severely allergic to them). J’adore a bouquet. They smell good and they’re pretty. And you can’t really kill them ‘cos they’re gonna die anyway, unlike that plant your significant other gifted you even though you don’t know how to look after it, and now you stress constantly about it because you don’t want it to seem like you don’t care. Wow, what a ride.

Jewellery / Watches / Accessories

This is tough because unless you know each other’s taste to a T, you could end up buying something expensive only for them to hate it. It happens. But if it goes well, you’re a bloody winner. If not, just emotionally guilt them into wearing it. Just kidding! Don’t do that. Bad.

A Personalised [Your Name Here] Kit

I reckon this is cuuuuute. Like a box packed with shit that you like that you would otherwise have to buy / order online separately. Also, it shows they care and know you and all that. Although, said personalised box could be used as a passive aggressive gift of encouragement. Like, here’s a box full of things for a car – get your fucking licence. Romance.

Any Sort Of Baby Yoda Merch

This is not at all a subtle hint to my boyfriend, haha! But anyway, do you know you can pre-order Baby Yoda Pop! toys? The adorable little things won’t ship ’til like May but what a cute lil’ gift, haha! A Baby Yoda mug is also cute and available now. Haha!

Cheeky Sex Toy

We love a cheeky sex toy. Especially if it’s a really funny one that you didn’t even know existed. Or like that shiny leather body suit from American Horror Story. OR, make a trip out of it. Head to your local sex shop after dinner and pick something out for the two of you. Cute, cute, cute.

Garlic Bread

You have my heart. That is all.

Image: Bridesmaids