It’s that time of year everyone! The most joyful, sparkly, accepting, frantic night that every little human looks forward to. But most importantly, it’s the night where you find out if you have been naughty or nice. No, I am not talking about Christmas. It’s Mardi Gras, and it’s time to find out if you have been naughty or nice because you’re about to run into everyone you’ve ever slept with. Judging by either the cringing sound you just made or the “so what” look on your face, I think you already have your answer. 

Okay okay, before you come for me in the comments with your “omg just because some people sleep with a lot of people doesn’t mean they’re naughty!!!” Helen, calm down. WHAT I’M SAYING IS, maybe you spoke to that girl on that dating app for a few days, finally got a drink, had sex, realised there was no spark and decided to ghost her? Or maybe you’re about to run into someone who you dated for only one week and told them you loved them? Or maybe you run into an ex that you had a very mutual breakup with and now happily co-parent a cat together? OR MAYBE you’re about to run into all three of them and you’re very overwhelmed about it all and need to figure out a way to celebrate the night without fear. 

What we need to remember is, you WILL run into them. It’s the queer community. Everyone knows everyone. You’re probably dating your ex’s best friends ex right now! Also if you’re sitting there next to your loving monogamous partner of 10 million years saying “Oh I’m so glad WE never had to deal with this, we met straight out of the womb and just KNEW we would be together forever” Then shhh, you JUST HAD VALENTINE’S DAY. Let us hopeless singles make out with whoever we want and not have to deal with the repercussions. 

Look, the mature thing to do would be to message everyone you have ever wronged in the dating world in the “spirit of Mardi Gras” and make amends. But who has the strength to do that. NOT ME! So instead, I hope these suggestions help.

1. Wigs

If you’re like me and have never changed your hair colour, wigs are the perfect solution! I have pitch black hair, always have. But last Mardi Gras I wore a blonde wig and no one was the wiser! The more it covers your face the better. Why do you think Sia started wearing her wig? SHE’S A NOTORIOUS GASLIGHTER.

2. Body Glitter (bio-degradable of course, please don’t cancel me) 

In the same vein of covering your face, why not just cover your entire body in glitter! It’s festive and secretive! You will 100% end up with glitter over everything you own for eternity, but it’s all worth it to avoid the conversation with your ex about why you were never emotionally available.

3. Full Body Costumes 

This is if you don’t think the first two are extreme enough. This doesn’t mean you’re going to throw on some wings and BAM you’re an angel. I am talking, head. To. Toe. Costume. Why not grab a white sheet and go as a ghost? You’ve already ghosted half the people at this event, why not lean into it? Plus you can still be a sexy ghost, just cut out holes in the chest area! Voilà!

4. Pretend You’re Someone Else 

Owning up to your mistakes and being a grown up? No way! Use this event to practise your acting skills! Just pretend to be someone else. You have never heard of this person they are speaking about, but wow they sound cool! Here, take this handy template as an example.

Person: Hey [insert name here]… you know you really hurt me when you left our date without saying goodbye

You: Sorry, I am not them. I do not know [insert name here]. 

Person: [insert name here] I know it’s you, grow up you’re 28! 

You: Sorry friend, I am not them! But I am sure they have a reasonable explanation for doing that and they are actually a really lovely person! 

Person: You are right. I forgive them. 

FLAWLESS!

5. Literally Change Your Identity 

If you think the above may work but you need to go even further, then it’s time to change your entire identity. I am talking fake passports and birth certificates, shaving off your fingerprints, giving yourself an entirely new online presence.

No idea is too small in this case. Some may say, why don’t you just not go to Mardi Gras. To them I say YOU’RE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO GROW UP you can’t just “NOT GO” to MARDI GRAS! Pathetic. 

Anyway I hope that one of these ideas helps you get through the festive season! I for one will be taking part in all five and hoping for the best.

Also, on a totally unrelated topic, while I have this public platform, I would like to say (and you know who you are) that I am sorry for ghosting you after we went on that date. It was immature and I should have just used communication to explain that I wasn’t emotionally ready to start dating again.

I am also sorry for using a public platform to apologise to you instead of just texting. I am also sorry that this is really generic and could actually be directed to anyone.

Which brings us to TIP NUMBER 6-

6. Become A Comedian, Start Freelance Writing For Pedestrian.TV

Use this platform to apologise instead of contacting them directly.

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!

Jenna Suffern (once labelled a Prominent Newtown Lesbian and is rolling with it) is a Sydney based comedian. You’d be a fool not to follow Jenna in either real life, or Instagram: @jennasuffern