There is no news story so irrelevant that Sportsbet won’t try and mussel in on, but in this case, we’re genuinely pretty interested.

Why? Because the latest bizarro event that you can bet real dollars on is ‘Who leaked Turnbull’s speech mocking Trump?‘, and for some reason they reckon the #1 choice is former Tony Abbott chief of staff and eternal loyalist Peta Credlin.

She’s currently the favourite to be leaker, paying a modest $3.50. “Peta is no fan of Malcolm and is never too shy to let that be known,” says Sportsbet. “As Tony Abbott’s No. 1 supporter, the leak would make sense to embarrass the PM.”

Well, mission accomplished.

“Abbott was also a no show at the event,” it continues, “which raises even more suspicion!”

Errr… does it? If you ask me – which Sportsbet somehow incredibly didn’t – Abbott probably just doesn’t like to socialise at parties with the people who rolled him more than is absolutely necessary. Also, he looks like the sort of bloke who just fucking hates a good time (i.e. parties).

Paying $4 each are Jacqui Lambie and Pauline Hanson. Jacqui makes absolutely no sense to me, but Sportsbet reckons she’s a goer because after nine years in politics (and four years as an elected Senator) she might still be too green to understand why leaking ‘off the record’ stuff is a big bloody deal.

And as for Pauline? Sportsbet simply says: “Because.” Fair enough – she’s certainly having a grumble at everyone sledging Turnbull for his impression.

Alright, ‘person who sued the ABC for $1.75 million for playing Pauline Panstdown‘. Tell me more about killing the Aussie larrikin spirit.

Then you’ve got Bill Shorten, who’s paying $6. This plays along the lines that any embarrassment for Turnbull is a political gain for Shorten, which Sportsbet acknowledges might just be “too obvious”. Everyone is indeed suggesting it, after all. In fact, Laurie Oakes himself – who published the original footage – even took to Twitter to claim Shorten categorically *wasn’t* the leaker. Hmmmm. Sounds like something the leaker might ask the publisher to say?

And finally, you’ve got the big dog himself, Malcolm Turnbull, paying $7. “In a twist that would sit nicely in any episode of ‘House of Cards[the lamest one], what if the PM leaked it himself in an attempt to prove he’s no pushover in regards to dealing with Trump?” says Sportsbet. “A bit of a stretch but not totally ruled out?”

A bit of a stretch? Listen, fellas. The absolute only way this leak came courtesy of Turnbull himself was if he’d made a special effort to hire the lamest staffers in existence, who thought his piss-poor impression was “totally funny” and “literally had me in stitches lmaoooo” and genuinely thought leaking it was a good idea. Possible, but not that possible. 

If all of this wasn’t enough, you can also bet your very real dollars on the potential fallout. Trump mocking Turnbull on ‘Saturday Night Live‘ is paying $13, Turnbull getting banned from entering the US is paying $34, and Joe Hockey being kicked out of the country is paying a whopping $51.

There’s just no way any of this is going to happen, of course (don’t waste your money), but christ, I’d happily pay $51 to see the look on Joe’s face when he’s told the jig is up.

You Can Now Bet Real Life $$$ On Who Leaked The PM’s Trump Tape

The really important thing to take away from this is a) that betting on dumb news stories is dumb, and b) it probably wouldn’t take a genius who also attended the Midwinter Ball to figure out who the leaker was based on the camera angles.

You Can Now Bet Real Life $$$ On Who Leaked The PM’s Trump Tape

If you know, HMU. 

Photo: ABC News / Twitter; The Project; Mark Metcalfe / Getty.