Tomorrow’s Victorian State Election looks set to be one of the more interesting in recent memory, less for the lower house and more for the rag-tag makeup the upper house could legitimately wind up having.
While the major parties have been busy trotting out various policy announcements for weeks now – Premier Daniel Andrews leading his incumbent Labor charges to a likely victory in spite of themselves, Liberal Party leader Matthew Guy trying fervently to convince the public he isn’t a cursed marionette stuck halfway between complete real boy-ism and inanimation, and Samantha Ratnam scrambling to assert voters the Greens are fine, everything’s fine – when punters roll up to the ballots tomorrow they’ll be faced with an ocean of other options.
Ballot papers, particularly the Upper House ones, are set to be filled with a variety of minor party candidates, all running on different, often absurdly specific platforms.
A confusing motley crew of minor parties and frankly insane people are vying for your vote tomorrow. We feel strongly it’s best to arm yourselves with the knowledge needed to make your vote count (**VOTE BELOW THE LINE** AT ALL TIMES THANKS), so we’ve done the hard yards to get to the crux of what each party or independent candidates stands for.
Very thorough stuff, this. Definitely wasn’t written in the dying hours of the working week while half cut on work beers. Hope it all helps.
ANIMAL JUSTICE PARTY
Straightforward. Left-wing pro-animal anti-cruelty party proposing a raft of animal-related policies like a ban on greyhound and trots racing, and a ban on recreational hunting.
AUSSIE BATTLER PARTY
What would’ve happened if One Nation had formed via one of those increasingly weird-named white supremacist Facebook groups like True Blue Crew or United Patriots Front or like… Get A Dog Up Ya Australia, or whatever. Proposed a raft of policy promises such as 10-year good behaviour bond for new migrants, eradicating Safe Schools, and a 100% Australian products aisle in all supermarkets. All of which they backed the hell away from when the media quizzed them about it. Practically guaranteed to get one seat in the upper house thanks to some bananas preference deals.
AUSTRALIAN COUNTRY PARTY
Probably the most confused party on the ballot. Does not like national parks at all and believes strongly that all trees should be logged at one point or another. Wants to introduce a US-style 3-strikes system that would introduce a mandatory life sentence for repeat offenders. But also wants a 10c recycling rebate for drink containers like they have in SA. Pick a lane ya dummies.
AUSTRALIAN LIBERTY ALLIANCE
Absurdly moronic party preternaturally obsessed with preventing the “Islamisation” of Australia, whose candidates include piece of shit professional agitator Avi Yemeni who has repeatedly doxxed left-wing journos and called for the ABC headquarters to be bombed. Enough said there, probs.
DERRYN HINCH’S JUSTICE PARTY
Much like the man who formed it, the Justice Party runs on a platform of cranking jail terms for violent offenders up several notches while also proposing sweeping reforms to Victoria’s maligned bail system. Also like the man who formed it, presumably is keen to use Parliamentary privilege to publicly name people on the sex offenders register one-by-one.
FIONA PATTEN’S REASON PARTY
Formerly the Sex Party, Fiona Patten’s Reason Party adopted a name change to draw less obvious heat from the more inflexible portions of political discourse. Still running on a platform that champions weed legalisation, sex work decriminalisation, the implementation of more supervised safe injection centres, and freely available pill testing at music festivals.
Running in Victoria’s South Eastern Metropolitan region are independent senate candidates Tarang Chawla and Nicole Lee, campaigning collectively as Team Chawla. They’re running on a platform championing domestic violence legislation reform, with both having horrible past experiences with DV; Chawla’s sister was murdered by her partner in 2015, and Lee suffered for a decade at the hands of an abusive partner who was also her disability carer.
HEALTH AUSTRALIA PARTY
Swears black and blue it is not the anti-vaxxer party despite being, quite obviously, the anti-vaxxer party.
HUDSON 4 NV
A party set up to help one single bloke get elected in Northern Victoria that, with just over 12 hours to go til the election, is yet to announce a single actual policy. He promises, however, that he is “non-controversial,” whatever the blue hell that means.
Doing that fun thing where they put “Labour” in their name in the hopes of scoring votes by confusing people into thinking it’s the same thing as Labor. It is not. Hyper-conservative drivel with a dogged opposition to same-sex marriage and abortion. Not that they want you to know about any of that, because they nuked their policy page on it.
Same deal here re: naming themselves weirdly to sneak votes via confusion. Deeply weird Libertarian party that birthed the feckless wonder known as David Leyonhjelm unto the Federal Hansard forevermore. Incredibly horny for importing single shotguns, doing virtually nothing in parliament, and chucking huge sooks whenever they get called out for harassing women or using slurs.
SHOOTERS, FISHERS AND FARMERS VIC
They like shooters. They like fishers. They like farmers. The BLT of political parties: If you’re expecting anything else you are absolutely mugging yourself. They also aren’t big fans of new national parks and would very much like it if all a y’all big city types would shut up while they take pot shots at ducks and the like.
Are you reasonably wealthy, middle-aged, and sick of all those high-rises being built four suburbs over? Ever glowered at a new back fence neighbour because they laid down Tall Fescue grass on their landscaped lawns when neighbourhood watch by-laws clearly state the only permissible grass is Zoysia? Keen to incessantly demand the Victorian Government curtail immigration numbers even though that’s really a Federal issue? This is the party for you.
TRANSPORT MATTERS PARTY
A group of Taxi drivers so violently aggrieved by the presence of Uber and ride-sharing that they formed their own political party purely to provide a platform upon which they can gripe about the cost of hire-car licenses. Running solely on the platform that ride-sharing should be outlawed, Uber should be prosecuted for operating illegally in Victoria, and also that all public transport should cost no more than a gold coin. That last one of which ain’t actually that bad.
Comrades. They’re keen to de-privatise public transport and power companies, who would be directed to commit to 100% renewable energy sources. Also keen to build 50,000-odd new public houses. Making a hard charge to get Yarra City councilman Stephen Jolly a seat in the upper house, but faces some stiff competition from the more singularly focused parties who bothered to play the game and do preference deals. Admirable stance to take, sure. But it’s a hell of a hill to climb now.
VOLUNTARY EUTHANASIA PARTY
Goods as advertised. Grim goods, sure. But goods nonetheless. Does pretty much what it says on the tin.
VOTE 1 LOCAL JOBS
A party consisting of three members of the one family: A father, current upper house MP James Purcell, and his two sons Nathan and Aaron, who James has already written off as having absolutely no chance of winning. Which, frankly, is very funny.