Here’s VIC’s Top Cop Calling The Bank Staffer Who Tried To Chuck A Roni Sickie A “Dickhead”

Generally speaking, even in the worst case scenarios a failed sickie isn’t gonna make you the subject of any national news. Unless, that is, you try to fake a positive COVID-19 diagnosis at the peak of pandemic anxiety. Then you’re gonna get sworn at by the Police Commissioner. Those are the rules, as far as I’m aware.

Victorian Police Commissioner Graham Ashton has teed off on a bank employee who, for unclear reasons, faked a positive COVID-19 test result, which lead to a major evacuation of the bank’s headquarters in Melbourne.

Company officials reportedly fired the employee after subsequent testing uncovered the ruse, but not before a mass-exposure scare was put across the bank’s 6,000 employees.

Yesterday, Commissioner Ashton was asked for his thoughts on the matter, and he certainly didn’t bother mincing any words.

In a ten-second press clip, Ashton manages to call the unnamed ex-employee a “dickhead” three times, in what’s probably a landspeed record for swearing in an official police press conference.


“It’s not a crime to be a dickhead” – Official advice from the Victorian Police Commissioner. What you do with that information is totally up to you, I guess.

That said, probably not the time to be calling up the boss and telling them you’ve got the Roni. Might want to chill on that tactic for a few months yet.