Animals: living organisms that feed on organic matter, scathing front row attendees and rude, ungainly accessories that won’t hesitate to turn against you given the chance to wring the life clean out of your neck.
The damn things were ~literally~ everywhere you looked yesterday on the second (technically third, but w/e) day of Mercedes Fashion Fashion Week Fashion, because what are humans really if not animals that have developed the crude ability to clutch two flutes of champagne in one hand and invent something like Fashion Week with the other.
Here’s everything you’d never profess to wanting to know about Day II up chic creek, sans paddlé.
BEST VENUE/THROWBACK TUESDAY
At the sunken Paddington Reservoir Colosseum, We Are Handsome served Britney Spears ‘Slave 4 U’ 2001 MTV VMAs vibes with a genius piece of Instagram bait: a real life snake emoji.
If the Internet has taught me anything, firstly I’d be surprised, and secondly it’s that people are cray for snake and boobs; put ’em together and what’ve you got? Bippity boppity snake boobs.
Also, prime ‘Likes’ material when layered atop WAH’s bold personal brand of swimwear (tropical digital prints, like watermelons and polar bears) and good time gal vibes (sassy models dancing half-heartedly to songs like Donna Summer’s ‘Bad Girls’, amongst other things).
Also, We Are Handsome take out Best Catering for fennel slaw and Models In Show Make-Up and Normcore Clothes Eating Magnums – the most Street Style thing you could ever imagine. It was catnip verging on p0rn for every DSLR toting blogger import.
Overheard: “That snake was a moment.”
BEST I’M LITERALLY DYING
Look, he was up against some stiff competition in the form of this ridiculous dog, but Toni Maticevski’s Orchid Metamorphosis show was next level.
Science fiction sportswear couture was rendered in neoprene and mesh on high necked ball gowns; the casting was excellent, as was the A1 soundtrack (a slowed down ‘Adore You’ by Miley Cyrus; ‘How Does It Feel’ by MJ) and the show had some of the week’s best styling by Jolyon Mason (neck braces from the future by Dinosaur Designs, orchid pacifiers by Doctor Cooper) earned and deserved a level of applause that sent this little hairy crumb into overdrive.
Overheard: “Can I get a selfie with your dog? You don’t understand. This is literally my dog.”
It was not ‘literally’ the famous slashie’s dog.
BEST USE OF AN ANTM CYCLE 10 ALUMNI
Monogrammed epaulets were a nice touch on the models at Christopher Esber’s minimalist S/S14 showing – a visual aid that helped confirm my hunch that Fatima from ANTM Cycle 10 was doing the rounds.
ICYMI, you are welcome.
BEST CROQUEMBOUCHE
The cream-filled choux pastry and spun sugar probably isn’t there still, but that shouldn’t deter you from visiting Romance Was Born’s soaring installation – a collaboration with Perth-based artist Rebecca Baumann.
The exhibition, which doubled as a party and a show without models but with ample cake, holds court at Carriageworks until May 11th. There’s a giant disco ball out the front – you can’t miss it and you’d be hard-pressed to walk right by it.
BEST ‘CAN YOU EVEN DEAL?’ OVERHEARDS
Here are some fun things I picked up with my gigantic ears and total lack of social grace in the Star Lounge, a thing that exists.
On a famous blogger (is there any other kind?): “[Name redacted], the face of [brand redacted] stole his phone charger! Like, you can afford it, for fuck’s sake.”
On an editor of one of Australia’s largest fashion magazines: “I mean, she used to tease her, this girl with frizzy [questionable slur redacted] hair and nek minnit it was like, what are these dicks doing here? Babe, I’ve gotta go, I’ve got a front row.”
On cash or credit: “Does your dealer take card?”
