Trump’s Doctor Says He’ll Live To 200 With Some Slight Dietary Adjustments

In what was lowkey one of the more bizarre White House press conferences, Donald Trump‘s physician gave a incredibly thorough hour-long rundown about the president’s health.

Dr. Ronny Jackson – great name, by the way – spent four hours examining Trump last week, and he had nothing but positive things to report about a man who, if we’re being perfectly honest, looks like total shit. Trump does not look like a well man at all, but Dr. Ronny says he’s in absolutely perfect shape. “Overall, he has very, very good health,” Jackson said.

Jackson even said that Trump’s health is “excellent” compared to other 71-year-old American men. However, at a height of six feet and three inches and weighing 108 kilograms, he is considered borderline obese. Apparently, the doctor and Trump have decided that he should lose about six kilos, which they intend to do

The physical also included a mental acuity test – which isn’t normal – to assuage concerns of some people in the media and public that Trump is, for want of a better turn of phrase, off his bloody rocker. After some reports that Donald displays signs of mental decline, he apparently insisted on the test. He received a perfect score.

“I have no concerns about his cognitive ability,” Jackson told reporters from the briefing room. “I’ve found no reason whatsoever to think the President has any issues whatsoever with his thought processes.”

The president is mentally very sharp, very intact … He is fit for duty. I think he will remain fit for duty for the remainder of this term and even for the remainder of another term if he’s elected.

Well there you go. He’s good all the way through to 2024, folks.

One questioner asked what was basically on everyone’s mind: if the president’s diet is basically McDonald’s cheeseburgers and Diet Coke (with no exercise to speak of) how can he possibly be in good health? Well, Dr. Ronny has an answer for you: it’s good genes.

Wonderful! With some minor dietary adjustments, he’ll live to 200. This guy is a superhuman. How could we ever have doubted him?