Here’s Your Normal Person’s Guide To The Melb Cup’s Ridiculous $1800 Per Ticket ‘Birdcage’

If your horse racing knowledge is limited to animal abuse and those pics of Jacob Elordi at Fashions on the Field, perhaps you haven’t heard of Melbourne Cup’s The Birdcage. Well, dear reader, let’s take a peak behind the veil at this $1800-per-ticket haven for people with frankly too much money.

The Birdcage is a collection of big fuck-off marquees which traditionally have only been open to Victoria Racing Club members. This year, it’s open to non-members. For the very very low price of $1800, now us normies can score entry via Victoria Racing Club’s Villa Paradiso tent! Wow, consider my weekend plans booked the fuck up.

That $1800 buys you a seven course dining package and unlimited drinks, as well as the opportunity to talk to other really rich people. Come for the oysters, stay for the investment banker loudly mansplaining cost of living.

The Birdcage features a bunch of massive sponsors like champagne brand Mumm, wine company Penfolds, beer company Furphy, TAB, Paramount and car brand Lexus.

According to The Age, the Mumm marquee features “roaming oyster shuckers, Champagne cocktails and croque monsieur using ‘smoked crocodile instead of ham’”. Tell me that’s not the favourite meal of a Disney villain.

There’s also a private dining space for eight people in the marquee, which some folks will be invited to. Damn, this is really giving the Capitol in The Hunger Games.

The Lexus marquee offers dining sessions and a dessert bar, plus a “take-home souvenir fragrance”. Yeah, you’d hope there’s a goodie bag included.

In contrast, the Furphy marquee is essentially the fancy pub. For just $6, I could have a Furphy’s at my local. Yeah, the carpet is sticky and there’s no celebrities but at least it doesn’t cost $1800 to enter.

Per The Age, a number of the marquees have “key guests”, including model Duckie Thot, actress-slash-model Elsa Pataky and actress Rachel Griffiths.

Here are some other things you could buy with $1800: A ticket to Berlin to commemorate Berghain’s closing. Enough Squishmallows to build a fort big enough for three grown adults. Two weeks of rent in Sydney. A pet alpaca to live in your garden.

Or you could go and rub shoulders with Melbourne’s wealthy elite and drown your sorrows in a mind-numbing quantity of champagne.