Human Sack Of Walnuts Ted Cruz Retains US Senate Seat By Skin Of Own Ass

By the skin of his own ass, Ted Cruz has survived a wild midterm election fight to retain his Senatorial seat in the US state of Texas today.

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Cruz got close to suffering one of the most almighty upsets in political history thanks to Democratic Party candidate Beto O’Rourke, who scored national attention and hauled in a huge amount of money to power a campaign that almost torpedoed one of the highest-ranking members of the Republican Party.

Beto is on the crest of a new wave of progressive Democrats currently rattling the GOP cage, and scored an endorsement this morning from no less a popular authority than bloody Beyoncé.

Beyoncé made a last-minute pledge of support for Beto this morning on Instagram, just as polls opened across Texas.

Not even that, though, was enough for the typically conservative Texas to flip from red to blue, with Cruz projected to retain his senate seat by a margin of about 200,000 votes; more than enough to make things a bit nervy for the Republican Party come the 2020 Presidential Election.

In fact, the hysteria for Beto is so great at this stage that there are already widespread calls for the 46-year-old who was once in a band with Cedric Bixler-Zavala of At The Drive-In fame to run for President the next time that job comes up for grabs.

So there you go. While Cruz wins this time around, “Beto O’Rourke” is probably a name you should start familiarising yourself with.

You might be hearing a coupla times over the coming years.