While we all link arms on the inexorable march towards Scott Morrison‘s pet Religious Discrimination Bill, an entirely pointless piece of legislation that offers legislative protection to a group of people currently in need of precisely no legislative protection, at least one religious group – and definitely not one that Morrison had in mind when concocting this whole cockamamie scheme – has vowed to attack the bill on the front foot, by exploiting it to its fullest and most annoying extents.

The Noose Temple Of Satan, a lovely group of nice people who have committed their lives to praising the glory of almighty Lucifer himself, have issued a public vow to ensure as much of the proposed bill is applied to their spiritual practices, just as it would any other legitimate religion.

In a Facebook post over the weekend, the Satanist temple posted their call to arms regarding the bill, stating that while the church’s official view is that the legislation is “unnecessary,” and a “waste of the Federal Government’s time,” they will nonetheless focus all efforts to ensuring the unfettered privileges it affords the religions Morrison has custom built the bill for also applies to their own beliefs and practices.

The letter, which serves as on official submission to the Federal Government during the bill’s open public reply period, was posted to Facebook on Friday, and is an absolute belter of a read.

In full, it reads thusly:

“Satanism has a message so powerful that we do not need laws to protect it. Simply put Noosa Satanists feel the proposed Religious Discrimination Bill is completely unnecessary and a waste of the Federal Government’s time.”

“Having said that, should this Parliament vote to enact this legislation then Satanists across Australia will aggressively use this law to ensure that we can access all the privileges it guarantees.”

“From access to street evangelism, school breakfast programs, school chaplaincy programs, school personal development programs, school touring bands programs, school weekend camp programs, Federal, State, and Local grant programs, access to public facilities, etc. The list is endless.”

“We shall use our local Federal Member, Commissioners, and courts to defend our newfound rights under this proposed legislation.”

“Satan has great plans for the future of Noosa and Australia, and we intend to use every avenue available to us to reach our goals. Hail Satan!”

It’s gonna be a real gas watching Federal Politicians do the legislative gymnastics required to block any of this from happening, I tell you what.