Look, it’s fine. Nobody panic just yet. This is speculation at best. But Peter Dutton, a man whose physical appearance is morphing into that of a cartoon supervillain by the literal second, is **VERY REPORTEDLY** on the verge of launching a challenge to Malcolm Turnbull‘s leadership of the Liberal-National Party.

Or, to put it another way: Fuck-a-doodle-doo Lord Lucifer Walnut is trying to become our Prime Bloody Minister.

There are extremely sketchy reports floating around the traps this afternoon from some scarily reputable sources that a meeting has been called for the Liberal party room on 10am Monday morning, and that Dutton is currently doing the ring around to consolidate his numbers for a leadership challenge against Turnbull.

It should be stressed with the utmost seriousness that this is not, in any way, confirmation that political blood is going to be spilled on Monday and that the weekend will be spent sharpening knives.

But, as we all know with these sorts of things, the presence of smoke tends to indicate an imminent fire. And given Turnbull’s historic run of shocking poll trouncings and Dutton’s incredible ability to fail upwards in politics… Jesus.

At this stage the best way say with any firm degree of certainty is that, as of right now, it’s not NOT on.

Either way, I think I speak for all of us when I say very firmly: FUCKEN NO THANK YOU.

Image: Getty Images / Stefan Postles